Christmas, New Year, and then Birthdays...

It's been a while. I've wanted to sit down and write a new entry for a couple months now, but just kept putting it off. I haven't wanted to cry and I almost always cry when I start writing, thinking, and remembering. I have cried over the last couple months, and quite a bit with all the holidays and everything, but it's different when it just comes over you almost out of nowhere instead of when you know it's going to come. So I guess since I know I will get sad and cry when writing I've put it off.
This past holiday season was a lot different from last year. Last year (2012) was all of the "firsts" so I mostly avoided anything to do with the holidays unless my oldest son was around and then I threw on the smiles. This year was just a mixture of so much that I confused myself. I've always loved Christmas...the lights, the decorations, the music, the busy stores with the crazy shoppers going nuts, everything! This Christmas I was excited again to see all the decorations and put ours up, but I was also sad and angry. Every time I wrapped a present for Davin all I could think was "What would Dayton like if he were here? What toys would I be wrapping for him?" So my emotions weren't all down and depressing this year, they were up and down constantly. I think I kind of expected this year's holidays to be a little easier, but in ways they were just as rough. I pulled my self together and went to all the family holiday dinners, but while there all I could do was hold back tears and act as if everything was fine.

It makes me really sad knowing that the only thing I can really do for Dayton, or buy for him is decorations for the cemetery. But, I do enjoy seeing it all fixed up with his little Christmas tree. I'm sure he would have loved everything about Christmas just like I do.
Christmas is over, a new year is here, and January is almost half over. And after January comes February....another month where my emotions go everywhere! For the first week of February I have to plan my oldest son's birthday party; he will be 7, and that's a little depressing for me too. Then, 6 days after his birthday my youngest son will be turning 2. Only once again I don't get to plan a party, buy presents, or watch him open gifts. And 3 days after Dayton's birthday is my birthday. I'm not sure how other baby loss mom's react on their own birthday's, but for me my birthday is just as rough as the other holidays. I don't know if it's because my birthday falls on Valentine's Day or if it's just because it irritates me that people are so happy and wishing me "Happy Birthday" just 3 days after my youngest son's birthday. But, just like every other day that I'm feeling sad I will have a smile on my face and no one will know how badly I want to cry and yell at them!

Living With Regrets...

I've wanted to write a new blog for quite a while now, but I just haven't really known what to write about. I've been in this weird funk where I just don't know exactly what I've been feeling. I've mostly been thinking about my "regrets" I guess you would call them. Looking back now there are so many things I wish I would have done differently.

1) I wish I would have gone to the ER right after I had tripped. Even though I didn't fall on my stomach, and even though my Dr said my fall wouldn't have caused Dayton's death and to not blame myself I still can't help but wonder WHAT IF, and blame myself. He was inside me and the only job I had to do was carry him, protect him, and keep my body healthy for him to have a safe place for 9 months....and I feel as if my body failed; failed Dayton and failed me. And what if I would have gone to the ER immediately? Would the outcome be different?

2) I wish I would have held Dayton longer. I was confused and unsure of how to handle the situation. I didn't know if I held him too long if he would start to get cold or change somehow and I didn't want to see that. But, now I just wish I would have taken in more. Looked at his little feet more, held his hands a little longer, kissed his cheeks and forehead a few more times.

3) I wish I would have had Davin come to the hospital. Even if it was just for a minute to hold Dayton and get a few pictures. I feel so horrible that Davin never got to hold his baby brother. I'm glad Davin was old enough to where he somewhat understood a little. He sees pictures of me pregnant with Dayton and pictures of Dayton and remembers and knows all about him. I love it when he draws pictures of Dayton in the clouds or talks about Dayton.

4) At times I wish I wouldn't have done the autopsy. The reason I wanted it done was because I wanted to know what had happened and if it was something that could affect a future pregnancy. However, the autopsy came back with nothing. No explanation, no reason. So, I feel bad sometimes that I had that procedure done to my baby.
I still just don't understand how there can be no reason, no explanation. According to the Dr and the autopsy results he was perfectly healthy and growing on schedule...his heart just stopped. My Dr said he didn't know what to say except it was basically like a case of SIDS that just happened inside the womb instead of later on. It sucks badly and terrifies me that that's the only reason I have....his heart just stopped. I'm scared something like that could happen again, but to Davin or a possible future pregnancy.

Like I said, my feelings lately have just been real confusing and kind of all over the place. The only thing I know for sure is that I am missing Dayton like crazy. I want to just hold him, snuggle him, smell him, and kiss him!

Oh how I wish I could rub those little feet and have those little hands hold my fingers!! Mommy loves you so much Dayton Asher.

Dayton's headstone

I didn't get to have a 1st birthday party for my baby with friends and family. I didn't get to have pictures of a baby with cake frosting everywhere. I didn't get to buy my baby new toys to unwrap and play with. Instead, for my baby's 1st birthday I ordered his headstone. I'm thankful for some caring friends that helped us to be able to order it sooner than we had originally expected, but having to buy a headstone for your child at any time is not something you ever want to experience. I could have waited and ordered it later, but seeing as how there really wasn't any thing else I could give Dayton for his birthday it seemed like the only suitable "gift" to get him. So, fast forward a few months and Dayton's headstone finally got finished and set. It's perfect, and exactly what we had hoped for. 

After the monument place had it set they gave me a call and thanked me for letting them do it because they had never done a train like that and they had really enjoyed getting to do something different. The train was the one thing that I knew for sure I wanted on there because his coming home outfit (which is what he was buried in) was a onesie with a train and a fleece train blanket. Davin was big into trains at that time so he was real excited for his baby brother to have train outfits and blankets. When we first went to see the headstone it was extremely hard to see Dayton's name and everything, but in a way it was also kind of healing. Now it just seems like it's not just another grave that just has flowers and stuffed animals for people to see as they walk by....now people can see his name and birthday and everything so I like that.

A little bit of Heaven in a box

I received a text Thursday evening stating that a much anticipated package would be shipped on Friday and that I could check my e-mail to track the package. I tracked the package over the weekend and it was scheduled to arrive on Monday. Today was the day. After anxiously waiting on a waiting list since April 2012 I finally received that special box on my doorstep. I knew the mail normally ran between noon and 2:00, so starting at noon I was constantly listening for the mail lady and checking my phone for the time. Around 1:00 there was a knock at the door and I knew it was my package. I opened the door and sure enough it was the mail! I looked down at that box and froze....it was finally here!! I picked it up and carried it inside; it was a lot heavier than I was expecting. I had imagined that when I received this box that I would open it immediately, but I just stared at it for the longest. I have been waiting 13 months for this!!!

My Dayton Bear made by the wonderful people at Molly Bears has finally arrived!!!

As I stated in my last post, Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears to help families who have suffered through child loss. My Dayton bear is 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton was when he was born. It felt so heavy lifting it up out of that box, but as soon as I laid it in my arms like a baby it felt absolutely perfect! I cried....a lot. It felt amazing to have that weight resting on my arms again.

Each bear is made unique so I had no idea what my Dayton bear would look like, but I absolutely adore it! It's perfect in every way. I like that's it's simple. Davin never got to hold Dayton, but today he got to hold our Dayton bear and feel what 7lbs and 4oz would have felt like. He definitely would have loved holding his baby brother!

Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is Bereaved Mother's Day. It sucks that this day had to be thought of because some mothers don't have any living children and aren't recognized as "Mother's" on the actual Mother's Day. You're a mom the moment you get pregnant, no matter how long the pregnancy lasts or the baby lives....you are always their mom. It's just hard for people who haven't been through a loss to understand the importance of being recognized as a mother to a baby who isn't on this Earth with you. Even though I do have a living child and am recognized as his mother on Mother's Day, today is a day in the baby loss community that I will be recognized as having another son, one who can't physically be here with me.
The roller-coaster they call grief has taken a sharp nose dive and dropped me back down a few levels.  I miss Dayton a lot, and the stress of other things are making my moods extreme. His headstone should be finished soon and I'm very anxious to see it and to put all of his stuffed animals back out there with him. It's taking a lot longer than they originally told me and I hate that all of his stuff is here at the house instead of with him. I also got an e-mail that my Molly Bear is going to be made this month and shipped to me no later than May 31! For those that don't know what a Molly Bear is: Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears for families suffering through baby loss. So, at the moment my Dayton bear is in production and will weigh 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton did.

The past few months I've done extremely well with the so-called "baby fever" and kind of pushing that feeling away and dealing with and focusing on my family and loss more. But, the past couple of weeks I've once again been punched in the face with baby-fever. I know so many people who are pregnant right now, and see so many posts/pictures on Facebook about babies/pregnancy. For those of you reading who are pregnant and post the updates or pictures, please don't take this the wrong way or feel bad. I have the option to hide your posts, pictures, and updates but I choose not to because I do like to know that your pregnancies are going well, and I do pray for each of your pregnancies to continue going well. Don't ever feel bad for being pregnant...enjoy every minute of it and take tons of pictures to remember these days with. I've just had days lately that are extremely hard because my pregnancy was normal and everything was great and Dayton was growing right on schedule and healthy, but I don't have him here with me and I still don't understand why and never will. So, I just ask that you please be considerate of my loss and understand that I will have my days where it's difficult for me to handle your happiness and pregnancy.
Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day where mother's spend the day with their kids, or get cute handmade gifts. But for some of us it's a difficult day because one or more of our children can't be here with us. And no matter what we do or how hard we try to be happy and enjoy the day, all we can think about is how badly we want all of our children to be present. So today on Bereaved Mother's Day I remember my baby Dayton and celebrate his short life. Even though he never took a breath of air, he lived inside of me for 37 weeks and I will forever be his mother. People who see me out with Davin always assume that he is an only child, but he is a big brother and I am a mother to 2 amazingly handsome boys!

I have my bad days, but I also have good ones. I have gotten stronger, but at times I am still weak. I've been knocked down but I always get back up. I have been through every parent's worst nightmare but I am still standing. I choose to continue living my life and sharing my story in the hopes that I can help others and shine some light on baby loss so that it isn't such a taboo subject anymore. Carrie Underwood's See You Again says it perfectly "Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on cause I know I will see you again, This is not where it ends, I will carry you with me til I see you again."

Easter

I don't have the time or the energy to get on here and write like I used to...or like I would like to. Davin is in tee ball now and we're busy with that at least 2 nights a week. Other nights I'm either tired or stressed and just want to relax and watch TV, or sometimes Davin makes me play the wii with him.

Last Easter was pretty miserable. It was supposed to be the first holiday that I would have gotten to dress up and show Dayton off, so I was pretty depressed and upset all day. I cried through just about the whole church sermon last year. We have just started going back to church. I've enjoyed it, but I'm sure we may try a few others before we decide on the one that's for us. It's hard when Jason and I were brought up in churches that are completely different in so many ways. But, I know we will find one that we both feel comfortable at!

This was Davin's Easter outfit! He helped me pick it out and he loved it. Davin is such a sweetheart, and he makes me so proud and happy every day! While we were at church on Sunday he took some paper and things to write with. He found the prayer card and asked if he could fill it out. He knew where it said "Name" that he was to write his name, and he did. Then he asked what the top said and what he was supposed to write. I told him it was a prayer card and he was supposed to write what he would like the church to pray about. His response......Dayton! So, that's what he wrote. We didn't know that at the end of church someone stood up and read the prayer cards; so at the end of church the man who read them said "And Davin would like for us to pray for Dayton." Davin was so excited and I had to hold the tears back! Davin is such a good big brother and always thinks of Dayton!

1st Birthday

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I wanted to share my day and a few pictures. Today we went to the cemetery and decorated Dayton's place for his birthday tomorrow. I can't believe that in just a little over 4 hours my baby will be 1 year old. I remember being in the hospital bed at this exact time last year hoping and praying that everything was OK. I wish he was here so we could throw him a big 1st birthday party, but I'm positive he is having the biggest and best 1st birthday in Heaven.

These are Dayton's birthday decorations!

And Davin wouldn't take a picture by himself, so his cousins Cason and Blair got in the picture with him. Davin picked out the alligator for Dayton, but wanted one too so they could have matching toys.

And this is my Origami Owl locket that my sisters bought for me in remembrance of Dayton. It's perfect, and I love it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAYTON! MOMMY, DADDY AND DAVIN LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!