Kindergarten blues

Tomorrow my oldest son starts kindergarten. I've never been a stay at home mom; he's gone to daycare since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm used to not having him with me during the day. But with daycare it was different. While he was at daycare if I wanted to keep him out and have a day with him I could. If I wanted to go pick him up after lunch I could. Now he will be in Kindergarten Monday-Friday 8am-3pm. No more keeping him home on days where I just need time with him, and no more picking him up early because I miss him. He's growing up....fast! 

I lost my youngest son Dayton 6 months ago, and now I feel like I'm losing Davin too. It's a different kind of loss though. With Davin it's just that he's growing up and becoming more independent. No longer Mommy's baby! Tomorrow is a huge milestone for Davin which will require lots of pictures! First day of Kindergarten! But it makes me sad to know that this is something that I won't get to experience with Dayton in 5 years....

Saturday

Saturday ending up being an OK day. Yes, it was sad, but I was able to make it a good, sad day....and not a bad, sad day. (If that makes any sense) With it being a Saturday I knew I couldn't just hide-a-way in bed all day because I had Davin. That morning we just stayed in our pajamas and watched cartoons. Then my mom text me and asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery with her. I'm glad she did because I was wanting to go all morning, but didn't really want it to just be me and Davin. So we got around and started getting dressed and ready to go. I know there's still a lot that Davin doesn't really understand, but I try to think of things for him to draw, make, or pick out at the store for Dayton. I bring Dayton up a lot because I want Davin to know it's OK to talk about Dayton and that even though we don't see Dayton, that Dayton sees all the things Davin makes or draws or the balloons he sends him! So this is the project we did for Dayton on Saturday and set on his grave site.

Then we went to the store to pick out some new, pretty flowers to take out there. I had picked out 3 or 4 different ones and couldn't make up my mind. So, I put them all back and asked Davin to pick them out. Of course he picked out one that wasn't one I had originally picked, but they were perfect! He called them rainbow flowers, and said that Dayton would like the rainbow flowers the best!

We also did balloons. Davin got a balloon and drew pictures and wrote his name, and my mom and I each got a balloon and wrote a little note on them. I counted to 3 and we let them go. Well, Davin was standing on his string so his got a delayed start. But then it quickly caught up with the other 2 and then it was as if Davin's balloon was the leader and the other 2 followed. They all 3 stayed together until we couldn't see them any more.

Not just another day

I wish today would last forever, but as always time is flying by. Tomorrow is coming quick. Tomorrow my baby would be 6 months old. I can't believe it's already been 6 months! Half of a year has gone by! How in the world is that possible? The first 6 months have been hard, but I'm thinking the next 6 are going to be even harder. And I know it's not going to stop being hard after the first year, I just know the first year has all of the "milestones" you look forward to that make it tough.

October has Halloween.....I had already planned on Dayton wearing Davin's 1st Halloween outfit because they would have been close to the same age on both their 1st Halloween's.

November has Thanksgiving, We don't do family get-together's very often, but Thanksgiving is one time that we do. It's going to be sad having everyone together, and missing my baby.

December has Christmas. It should be Dayton's first Christmas. I should be going crazy and stressing out trying to buy tons of toys for 2 kids! But instead, I will hang an ornament and an empty stocking and buy a headstone for my baby. And just like the month before it will include family get-together's. I've already been considering "skipping" Christmas this year. Not completely because I still have to do the decorations and presents for my oldest son, but there's just a few additional things going on that I don't think I really want to try and handle at Christmas this year.

Then there's January which will just be full of stress because I know February will be creeping up. I have to stay strong for Davin's birthday on February 5, and plan him something fun. Then, 6 days later will be my baby Dayton's 1st birthday in Heaven.

I know I should just try to go day to day and not worry about what's to come. But that's easier said than done. My days don't have a normal routine anymore. Some days I wake up and I'm happy and I have a good day. Some days I wake up mad and I just don't want to deal with anyone and just want to be alone and mad all day. And other days I wake up sad and I have a hard time getting up, and once I do I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

I'm not sure how I will be tomorrow, or what I'm going to do. I want to get some flowers and balloons and go to his grave site because I haven't been there since June, but I don't know if I will do it tomorrow. For most people tomorrow will just be another day. But for me, tomorrow won't just be another day. Tomorrow my baby Dayton will be 6 months old in Heaven.