It's been a while since my last post. I wanted to take a short break, but I didn't intend on it being this long. Life just got busy and it hasn't slowed down yet. I would really like to be in bed right now but I'm forcing myself to at least get a little bit of my thoughts out.
I recently started a new job and it seems like I can't get anything done. I get up at 5:30am and get myself ready, wake Davin up at 6:50 and get him fed and dressed for school, leave by 7:20 so I can get him to school and me to work before 8. I get off at 5pm, pick Davin up from daycare around 5:15 and then head home. Davin goes to bed by 8:30 so by the time we get home I have about 3 hours to spend with him, doing homework, playing, reading, or whatever else. But, I also have to mow the yard, grocery shop, cook dinner, wash dishes, put away dishes, wash clothes, put away clothes, and pick up everything around the house that just gets thrown around when we are too busy or lazy to put it away that moment! Now obviously I don't do all of those things every night, but every night there's something that needs done! I know there are tons of moms that work full time (or more) and have all this (or more) to do on a daily basis as well. I wanted a full-time job and I'm thankful I FINALLY got one. It's nice to actually have a little extra money just sitting in my bank account and not stressing because I have $5 and a bill coming up! The weekends are just as crazy too. First thing Saturday mornings we have soccer games and then I always have some kind of errands or cleaning to do. Sunday's are NORMALLY lazy, relaxing days....but they go by way to fast. I just haven't adjusted to my new schedule yet. I'm at that stage where I'm just stressed and tired. I'm missing getting to see Davin as much as I was used to and then there's so much going on that's making me miss Dayton as well.
Thursday is the 11th which will be 8 months since Dayton's passing. This Saturday is the candle light vigil dinner for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I'm extremely nervous, but excited to see some friends and meet a few new ones. Me and Jason both have our candle holders decorated and I'm going to decorate one for my mom and Davin to take as well. I plan on Davin wearing his "big brother" shirt for the first time also! Monday is the 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I'm really nervous about this Thursday the 11th and then Monday the 15th. I haven't really had the opportunity to mention my loss to anyone at work and I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. I want them to know, because I know I'm going to have my rough days, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or to not want to bring it up or talk about it because they see that it makes me sad.
The other day Davin and I went to Hobby Lobby looking for some Halloween ghosts to hang in our tree in the front yard. Well, they didn't have any and I haven't been able to find any so I'm not sure what kind of decorating we will do this year. While we were there we decided to browse through the Christmas aisles. BAD IDEA. Every single aisle (even the end caps) had "Baby's 1st Christmas" items. There were ornaments, stockings, bibs, booties, hats, picture frames and stuffed bears. I wanted to quickly turn around and leave, but I tortured myself and looked at every item....for quite a while.
I'm not ready for the holidays coming up. I see and hear all these people so excited about dressing up their baby for their 1st Halloween and I get so sad and jealous that I don't get to! And then all of the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stuff....I don't get to be excited about that either. I did however buy Dayton a small stocking that I will probably hang on the tree this year.
Well, now that I've written a little, cried a little, and gotten every one caught up on my hectic, stressful, sometimes depressed but blessed life.....I'm going to bed. 5:30am comes way too early!
