A little bit of Heaven in a box

I received a text Thursday evening stating that a much anticipated package would be shipped on Friday and that I could check my e-mail to track the package. I tracked the package over the weekend and it was scheduled to arrive on Monday. Today was the day. After anxiously waiting on a waiting list since April 2012 I finally received that special box on my doorstep. I knew the mail normally ran between noon and 2:00, so starting at noon I was constantly listening for the mail lady and checking my phone for the time. Around 1:00 there was a knock at the door and I knew it was my package. I opened the door and sure enough it was the mail! I looked down at that box and froze....it was finally here!! I picked it up and carried it inside; it was a lot heavier than I was expecting. I had imagined that when I received this box that I would open it immediately, but I just stared at it for the longest. I have been waiting 13 months for this!!!

My Dayton Bear made by the wonderful people at Molly Bears has finally arrived!!!

As I stated in my last post, Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears to help families who have suffered through child loss. My Dayton bear is 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton was when he was born. It felt so heavy lifting it up out of that box, but as soon as I laid it in my arms like a baby it felt absolutely perfect! I cried....a lot. It felt amazing to have that weight resting on my arms again.

Each bear is made unique so I had no idea what my Dayton bear would look like, but I absolutely adore it! It's perfect in every way. I like that's it's simple. Davin never got to hold Dayton, but today he got to hold our Dayton bear and feel what 7lbs and 4oz would have felt like. He definitely would have loved holding his baby brother!

Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is Bereaved Mother's Day. It sucks that this day had to be thought of because some mothers don't have any living children and aren't recognized as "Mother's" on the actual Mother's Day. You're a mom the moment you get pregnant, no matter how long the pregnancy lasts or the baby lives....you are always their mom. It's just hard for people who haven't been through a loss to understand the importance of being recognized as a mother to a baby who isn't on this Earth with you. Even though I do have a living child and am recognized as his mother on Mother's Day, today is a day in the baby loss community that I will be recognized as having another son, one who can't physically be here with me.
The roller-coaster they call grief has taken a sharp nose dive and dropped me back down a few levels.  I miss Dayton a lot, and the stress of other things are making my moods extreme. His headstone should be finished soon and I'm very anxious to see it and to put all of his stuffed animals back out there with him. It's taking a lot longer than they originally told me and I hate that all of his stuff is here at the house instead of with him. I also got an e-mail that my Molly Bear is going to be made this month and shipped to me no later than May 31! For those that don't know what a Molly Bear is: Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears for families suffering through baby loss. So, at the moment my Dayton bear is in production and will weigh 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton did.

The past few months I've done extremely well with the so-called "baby fever" and kind of pushing that feeling away and dealing with and focusing on my family and loss more. But, the past couple of weeks I've once again been punched in the face with baby-fever. I know so many people who are pregnant right now, and see so many posts/pictures on Facebook about babies/pregnancy. For those of you reading who are pregnant and post the updates or pictures, please don't take this the wrong way or feel bad. I have the option to hide your posts, pictures, and updates but I choose not to because I do like to know that your pregnancies are going well, and I do pray for each of your pregnancies to continue going well. Don't ever feel bad for being pregnant...enjoy every minute of it and take tons of pictures to remember these days with. I've just had days lately that are extremely hard because my pregnancy was normal and everything was great and Dayton was growing right on schedule and healthy, but I don't have him here with me and I still don't understand why and never will. So, I just ask that you please be considerate of my loss and understand that I will have my days where it's difficult for me to handle your happiness and pregnancy.
Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day where mother's spend the day with their kids, or get cute handmade gifts. But for some of us it's a difficult day because one or more of our children can't be here with us. And no matter what we do or how hard we try to be happy and enjoy the day, all we can think about is how badly we want all of our children to be present. So today on Bereaved Mother's Day I remember my baby Dayton and celebrate his short life. Even though he never took a breath of air, he lived inside of me for 37 weeks and I will forever be his mother. People who see me out with Davin always assume that he is an only child, but he is a big brother and I am a mother to 2 amazingly handsome boys!

I have my bad days, but I also have good ones. I have gotten stronger, but at times I am still weak. I've been knocked down but I always get back up. I have been through every parent's worst nightmare but I am still standing. I choose to continue living my life and sharing my story in the hopes that I can help others and shine some light on baby loss so that it isn't such a taboo subject anymore. Carrie Underwood's See You Again says it perfectly "Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on cause I know I will see you again, This is not where it ends, I will carry you with me til I see you again."