Christmas, New Year, and then Birthdays...

It's been a while. I've wanted to sit down and write a new entry for a couple months now, but just kept putting it off. I haven't wanted to cry and I almost always cry when I start writing, thinking, and remembering. I have cried over the last couple months, and quite a bit with all the holidays and everything, but it's different when it just comes over you almost out of nowhere instead of when you know it's going to come. So I guess since I know I will get sad and cry when writing I've put it off.
This past holiday season was a lot different from last year. Last year (2012) was all of the "firsts" so I mostly avoided anything to do with the holidays unless my oldest son was around and then I threw on the smiles. This year was just a mixture of so much that I confused myself. I've always loved Christmas...the lights, the decorations, the music, the busy stores with the crazy shoppers going nuts, everything! This Christmas I was excited again to see all the decorations and put ours up, but I was also sad and angry. Every time I wrapped a present for Davin all I could think was "What would Dayton like if he were here? What toys would I be wrapping for him?" So my emotions weren't all down and depressing this year, they were up and down constantly. I think I kind of expected this year's holidays to be a little easier, but in ways they were just as rough. I pulled my self together and went to all the family holiday dinners, but while there all I could do was hold back tears and act as if everything was fine.

It makes me really sad knowing that the only thing I can really do for Dayton, or buy for him is decorations for the cemetery. But, I do enjoy seeing it all fixed up with his little Christmas tree. I'm sure he would have loved everything about Christmas just like I do.
Christmas is over, a new year is here, and January is almost half over. And after January comes February....another month where my emotions go everywhere! For the first week of February I have to plan my oldest son's birthday party; he will be 7, and that's a little depressing for me too. Then, 6 days after his birthday my youngest son will be turning 2. Only once again I don't get to plan a party, buy presents, or watch him open gifts. And 3 days after Dayton's birthday is my birthday. I'm not sure how other baby loss mom's react on their own birthday's, but for me my birthday is just as rough as the other holidays. I don't know if it's because my birthday falls on Valentine's Day or if it's just because it irritates me that people are so happy and wishing me "Happy Birthday" just 3 days after my youngest son's birthday. But, just like every other day that I'm feeling sad I will have a smile on my face and no one will know how badly I want to cry and yell at them!