A Week of Remembering

This past week was full of ups and downs. Last Thursday was the 11th.....8 months since holding my baby. Friday I took Dayton's memory book to work and shared it with one of the ladies I work with. I know it's eventually going to come up and I just don't want to catch everyone off guard because I don't want them to act awkward around me. Saturday evening was the 3rd annual Remembering Our Babies candle light vigil. It was a great night, a sad night, but it was nice to be around my friends that know what I'm going through. My mom went with me, Jason and Davin to the vigil. I'm very thankful that my mom is so supportive and does things with me to show me that she is grieving also. She lost a grandson and it is hard for her as well. She has text me every month on the 11th, and other days here and there when she is thinking of me or Dayton. She goes with me to the cemetery and posts inspirational sayings to my Facebook wall; she wears a "grandma to an angel" bracelet, and took part in the Wave of Light on October 15 and lit a candle for Dayton. I had quite a few friends, and my sister Janet take part in the Wave of Light also and post pictures to my Facebook. It was so nice to see the people who are still thinking of us and supporting us.
This is a picture of all the candles that were lit Saturday night in remembrance of the babies who left us too soon.

Here is a picture of the candles that Jason, Davin and I lit Monday night for Dayton.

Tuesday I came home for lunch and had a present hanging on the door waiting for me. 

Our amazing friends Chris & Tera had me a bracelet made with Dayton's name! I cried when I opened it and I love it so much!! I am so thankful for the friends & family that remember us and think of us, that listen to us and aren't tired of hearing us talk about Dayton, that don't get awkward around us, and support us by remembering Dayton as well. You all know who you are and we thank you, appreciate you, and love you! 

I got this shirt at the vigil Saturday night and I'm so excited to wear it to work Friday!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow Jason is supposed to tattoo the pregnancy and infant loss ribbon on me since October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month! Tomorrow evening is also the MEND meeting. I'm looking forward to getting to talk and remember Dayton once again. This week has been full of ups and downs but overall it's been a great week.....a great week of remembering my baby!

Ramblings of a tired and depressed mommy...

It's been a while since my last post. I wanted to take a short break, but I didn't intend on it being this long. Life just got busy and it hasn't slowed down yet. I would really like to be in bed right now but I'm forcing myself to at least get a little bit of my thoughts out.
I recently started a new job and it seems like I can't get anything done. I get up at 5:30am and get myself ready, wake Davin up at 6:50 and get him fed and dressed for school, leave by 7:20 so I can get him to school and me to work before 8. I get off at 5pm, pick Davin up from daycare around 5:15 and then head home.  Davin goes to bed by 8:30 so by the time we get home I have about 3 hours to spend with him, doing homework, playing, reading, or whatever else. But, I also have to mow the yard, grocery shop, cook dinner, wash dishes, put away dishes, wash clothes, put away clothes, and pick up everything around the house that just gets thrown around when we are too busy or lazy to put it away that moment! Now obviously I don't do all of those things every night, but every night there's something that needs done! I know there are tons of moms that work full time (or more) and have all this (or more) to do on a daily basis as well. I wanted a full-time job and I'm thankful I FINALLY got one. It's nice to actually have a little extra money just sitting in my bank account and not stressing because I have $5 and a bill coming up! The weekends are just as crazy too. First thing Saturday mornings we have soccer games and then I always have some kind of errands or cleaning to do. Sunday's are NORMALLY lazy, relaxing days....but they go by way to fast. I just haven't adjusted to my new schedule yet. I'm at that stage where I'm just stressed and tired. I'm missing getting to see Davin as much as I was used to and then there's so much going on that's making me miss Dayton as well.
Thursday is the 11th which will be 8 months since Dayton's passing. This Saturday is the candle light vigil dinner for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I'm extremely nervous, but excited to see some friends and meet a few new ones. Me and Jason both have our candle holders decorated and I'm going to decorate one for my mom and Davin to take as well. I plan on Davin wearing his "big brother" shirt for the first time also! Monday is the 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I'm really nervous about this Thursday the 11th and then Monday the 15th. I haven't really had the opportunity to mention my loss to anyone at work and I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. I want them to know, because I know I'm going to have my rough days, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or to not want to bring it up or talk about it because they see that it makes me sad.
The other day Davin and I went to Hobby Lobby looking for some Halloween ghosts to hang in our tree in the front yard. Well, they didn't have any and I haven't been able to find any so I'm not sure what kind of decorating we will do this year. While we were there we decided to browse through the Christmas aisles. BAD IDEA. Every single aisle (even the end caps) had "Baby's 1st Christmas" items. There were ornaments, stockings, bibs, booties, hats, picture frames and stuffed bears. I wanted to quickly turn around and leave, but I tortured myself and looked at every item....for quite a while.
I'm not ready for the holidays coming up. I see and hear all these people so excited about dressing up their baby for their 1st Halloween and I get so sad and jealous that I don't get to! And then all of the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stuff....I don't get to be excited about that either. I did however buy Dayton a small stocking that I will probably hang on the tree this year.

Well, now that I've written a little, cried a little, and gotten every one caught up on my hectic, stressful, sometimes depressed but blessed life.....I'm going to bed. 5:30am comes way too early!

No apologies

After my last blog I thought about giving up the whole public writing thing and just going back to using only my personal journal. Apparently, people get offended when you speak about how you feel. I'm not going to apologize. This is my blog and it is my space to get out my thoughts and feelings. If you don't like how I feel and what I write then don't read my blog. It's not here for you. What it is here for is:
1) To help me! To get my feelings and thoughts out so I don't explode trying to hold everything in.
 2) To hopefully help other baby loss moms who may at times feel the same as I do but can't or don't talk about it or express it.
And most importantly 3)For Dayton. I remember him and always will. Jason and Davin remember him and I know some of my family/friends will always remember him. But other family/friends....I'm tired of trying to "remind" you of him so he doesn't get forgotten.
Some of you reading this may think "how could I ever forget him?" Maybe you won't, but you don't let me know that! It has really surprised me at the people who have really taken the effort in the last (almost) 7 months to just let me know that they are thinking of Dayton as well as thinking of me! I cherish those people so much. How hard is it to send a text, post on my Facebook wall, send me a private message or e-mail just to say something like "I've had Dayton on my mind this morning, thinking of you."; "Hope you are doing well, hugs."; "Been thinking of you and praying." ?? With that said, once again I don't want my phone, messages, e-mail or whatever blowing up from people trying to cheer me up and bring me comfort. I know who can act normal around me, and can send me a simple sentence to make my day, and not be selfish about doing it or avoid doing it because it makes them feel awkward. I know who those people are....and it's people I never expected it from!
These are my feelings, my thoughts, my blog. I'm not going to sensor and sugar coat my thoughts and feelings to make other people happy or feel better or comfortable. If you don't like what I feel, then please don't read my blog anymore because that's what this whole blog is about: MY thoughts and MY feelings while trying to handle losing MY son!

New feelings

This past week has brought a lot of new feelings up. I want to move away and completely start over. New town, new jobs, new house, new friends, new everything. I don't want to try and run from my life, my loss, and try to forget Dayton. Because obviously that could never happen. But I do want to get away from the people (some family included) that can no longer act normal around me. It's like everyone is walking around on egg shells, whispering, just waiting for me to explode. Yes, my baby died and it sucks, but the silence and avoidance doesn't make it suck any less! It's like people think that the only thing I want to think or talk about is Dayton, but they don't want to bring it up because they don't want to upset me.....I would love to talk about Dayton to anyone that wants to, but I can talk about other things too. And the people I know that are pregnant avoid me like I have a contagious illness that will kill their baby too. It is tough at times to see pregnant people, especially the ones that are progressing at the same time my pregnancy was last year. Your worst nightmare about your unborn baby, is my reality....but I promise it's not contagious. So, the silence and avoidance doesn't make this any easier for me. And after writing this I really don't want people freaking out and texting me or messaging me, because obviously this isn't about everyone. I do have some friends/family left that still talk to me and hang out with me and make time for me and don't avoid me. Some of those people occasionally send me messages or write on my Facebook wall or leave me comments on my blogs and those small gestures make all the difference. I may not can move or get a new house or anything, or even get away from some family/friends. But there will be a few changes coming that will be best for me. So, out with the old.......

I've also realized it's hard to "fit in" with other baby loss moms. The only people I can really connect with are the ones whose stories are similar to mine. I listen to other people's stories and feel sad for them that they are traveling this road as well, but it's confusing. I don't want to sound insensitive because I don't want to come off that way at all but I just can't connect with the people that talk about miscarriages, or early stillbirths, or the women who have a reason. I know a reason wouldn't make it any easier, but a lot of times I just don't feel like I fit in. I was pretty much full term with Dayton, so he didn't have any issues from being born too early, and the autopsy results came back saying that everything was fine that there were no diseases, infections, or any other issues.... So, I guess this week I've realized I don't fit in like I used to with friends and family, but I don't quite fit in with all of the baby loss community either. Guess I will just stick by the people that I feel comfortable around and see how that goes.

Kindergarten blues

Tomorrow my oldest son starts kindergarten. I've never been a stay at home mom; he's gone to daycare since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm used to not having him with me during the day. But with daycare it was different. While he was at daycare if I wanted to keep him out and have a day with him I could. If I wanted to go pick him up after lunch I could. Now he will be in Kindergarten Monday-Friday 8am-3pm. No more keeping him home on days where I just need time with him, and no more picking him up early because I miss him. He's growing up....fast! 

I lost my youngest son Dayton 6 months ago, and now I feel like I'm losing Davin too. It's a different kind of loss though. With Davin it's just that he's growing up and becoming more independent. No longer Mommy's baby! Tomorrow is a huge milestone for Davin which will require lots of pictures! First day of Kindergarten! But it makes me sad to know that this is something that I won't get to experience with Dayton in 5 years....

Saturday

Saturday ending up being an OK day. Yes, it was sad, but I was able to make it a good, sad day....and not a bad, sad day. (If that makes any sense) With it being a Saturday I knew I couldn't just hide-a-way in bed all day because I had Davin. That morning we just stayed in our pajamas and watched cartoons. Then my mom text me and asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery with her. I'm glad she did because I was wanting to go all morning, but didn't really want it to just be me and Davin. So we got around and started getting dressed and ready to go. I know there's still a lot that Davin doesn't really understand, but I try to think of things for him to draw, make, or pick out at the store for Dayton. I bring Dayton up a lot because I want Davin to know it's OK to talk about Dayton and that even though we don't see Dayton, that Dayton sees all the things Davin makes or draws or the balloons he sends him! So this is the project we did for Dayton on Saturday and set on his grave site.

Then we went to the store to pick out some new, pretty flowers to take out there. I had picked out 3 or 4 different ones and couldn't make up my mind. So, I put them all back and asked Davin to pick them out. Of course he picked out one that wasn't one I had originally picked, but they were perfect! He called them rainbow flowers, and said that Dayton would like the rainbow flowers the best!

We also did balloons. Davin got a balloon and drew pictures and wrote his name, and my mom and I each got a balloon and wrote a little note on them. I counted to 3 and we let them go. Well, Davin was standing on his string so his got a delayed start. But then it quickly caught up with the other 2 and then it was as if Davin's balloon was the leader and the other 2 followed. They all 3 stayed together until we couldn't see them any more.

Not just another day

I wish today would last forever, but as always time is flying by. Tomorrow is coming quick. Tomorrow my baby would be 6 months old. I can't believe it's already been 6 months! Half of a year has gone by! How in the world is that possible? The first 6 months have been hard, but I'm thinking the next 6 are going to be even harder. And I know it's not going to stop being hard after the first year, I just know the first year has all of the "milestones" you look forward to that make it tough.

October has Halloween.....I had already planned on Dayton wearing Davin's 1st Halloween outfit because they would have been close to the same age on both their 1st Halloween's.

November has Thanksgiving, We don't do family get-together's very often, but Thanksgiving is one time that we do. It's going to be sad having everyone together, and missing my baby.

December has Christmas. It should be Dayton's first Christmas. I should be going crazy and stressing out trying to buy tons of toys for 2 kids! But instead, I will hang an ornament and an empty stocking and buy a headstone for my baby. And just like the month before it will include family get-together's. I've already been considering "skipping" Christmas this year. Not completely because I still have to do the decorations and presents for my oldest son, but there's just a few additional things going on that I don't think I really want to try and handle at Christmas this year.

Then there's January which will just be full of stress because I know February will be creeping up. I have to stay strong for Davin's birthday on February 5, and plan him something fun. Then, 6 days later will be my baby Dayton's 1st birthday in Heaven.

I know I should just try to go day to day and not worry about what's to come. But that's easier said than done. My days don't have a normal routine anymore. Some days I wake up and I'm happy and I have a good day. Some days I wake up mad and I just don't want to deal with anyone and just want to be alone and mad all day. And other days I wake up sad and I have a hard time getting up, and once I do I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

I'm not sure how I will be tomorrow, or what I'm going to do. I want to get some flowers and balloons and go to his grave site because I haven't been there since June, but I don't know if I will do it tomorrow. For most people tomorrow will just be another day. But for me, tomorrow won't just be another day. Tomorrow my baby Dayton will be 6 months old in Heaven.