Eliminating the DRAMA

This is my first "private" post. I hate that I had to make my blog invite only, but when Jason and I started getting texts and calls saying that I'm bashing his family or lashing out at them....something had to give. All I ever tried to do was get them to cut me a little slack and understand my feelings as to why I couldn't be around for Christmas. Not only was it supposed to be Dayton's first Christmas so of course I was pretty sad, but I knew I couldn't hold it together and watch my sister in law who was 30 weeks (I was 30 weeks with Dayton last Christmas) open baby gifts. So, in order to keep my words from getting twisted around any more and to eliminate the drama....my blog will be invite only for a little while.

On another note, when it rains it pours!! We recently just bought a new washer and dryer because we thought our old washer was leaking. Well, come to find out it wasn't the washer...it is our drain pipe behind the washer and it's been doing it for quite some time! So, we bought a new washer and dryer for nothing, and now have to pay for a plumber to come out to fix the drain pipe. Then, this weekend Davin gets sick with pneumonia and I had to pay for a Dr visit, X-rays, and medication. He is supposed to stay out of school until Thursday so I had to stay home with him and miss work Monday and Tuesday. I've scheduled Davin's birthday party for February 3 and now I'm freaking out because all of these unexpected bills have popped up....and I still have to pay for things for his party!! And, I was really wanting to have Dayton's headstone picked out and paid for before his 1st birthday but I really don't see that happening now. Ugh, it's so frustrating! But, I know everything will work out and somehow everything will get done and paid for.

Christmas and New Year's

I don't really have much to write, or even know what to write. Christmas was rough. I spent entirely too much money on Davin, but shopping and buying things for him was really the only thing that kept my mind busy. I wanted him to have a great Christmas because I knew that was one thing that could make me happy for Christmas. The in-laws were not happy at all about Davin and I not being at their Christmas, and of course I was made out to be the horrible person because I'm keeping him from them. But honestly, they were the ones that didn't say good-bye to him the last time they were in, they were the ones that said they weren't going to any more soccer games of HIS because I didn't talk to them...and how extremely selfish of them to be mad because I chose to keep Davin at home with me on Christmas Eve rather than me be by myself crying my eyes out missing both of my boys!! No matter what they think, my main reason of keeping Davin with me Christmas Eve was so I wouldn't be alone and so we could have a great night getting ready for Santa....and we did! We sprinkled Reindeer food in the front yard and later left out some carrots for the reindeer. We watched Christmas movies and made snowmen sugar cookies especially for Santa! And as it was getting close to bed time we tracked Santa on Google to see where he had been, where he was headed, and when he was getting close to us. We had a blast, and I had a smile on my face all night!

We decorated Dayton's place earlier in December, I am just now sharing it here. We took him a Christmas tree and a stuffed bear that said "Baby's 1st Christmas". Today, my dad sent me a text saying that him, my oldest sister and her 2 boys went to the cemetery. They took him another teddy bear that said "Christmas 2012" on it. I had no idea they were going or had gotten him a bear and it made me so happy! This picture is after we decorated earlier in December and of Davin with his baby brother's decorations.

Unfortunately, baby fever has crept back up on me and I'm trying so hard to push it away again. It's making me irritable because I don't want to talk about it. I know where Jason stands, so I don't want to talk to him about it because then I will get depressed and upset and mad when I hear his thoughts. Davin completely took me by surprise today at Target....we heard a very new baby crying and he asked what that sound was. I told him it was a tiny baby and he was probably hungry. Out of nowhere Davin says "I wish we had a baby at our house. Not just a baby in Heaven, but a baby living with us at our house." I didn't know what to say so I just said "I do too baby." I almost started crying but I managed to hold it together.

It's now a new year. Not quite sure what this year will bring me, but I hope it is a lot more kind to me than 2012. I know the first couple of months of 2013 will be rough. All of January I will be anxious of how quick February will be approaching. And in February I have to plan a birthday party for Davin, and then February 11 will be here in the blink of an eye. I don't know if I'm going to take off on Dayton's birthday or try and work. I really wish that I was anxious and excited to plan a 1st birthday party. I remember Davin's 1st birthday and wish that I could be with Dayton on his 1st birthday as well.

Catching up

Since I haven't written a blog in quite some time, this one may be a little random and just kind of everywhere! The last blog was in October and I mentioned with October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month that I was going to get a tattoo of the Awareness ribbon for my baby and all the other babies gone too soon. Well here it is.....  I love it!!

Any-who....I've been super busy with work and trying to spend time with my family that I haven't really had the time to sit down and write on my blog. Also, I've had some things said to me that I needed a nice long "cool off" time before I decided to write again so I wouldn't put a few people on blast. I will share a little because I'm still pretty irritated and this is my place to vent and get things out...I will however leave out who these people are because the last thing I need is drama in my life and especially around the holidays.

So, I decided since I hadn't had any kind of contact (text, message, Facebook, face-to-face, anything) that I would write a letter and let these people know how I felt. I wasn't trying to be rude but explained how hurt I felt that there had been no contact. And one of them is pregnant and due March 6 (Dayton's due date was March 8) so I explained that with her pregnancy progressing at the exact same time frame mine was last year that it would be difficult for me to be around her and especially around the holidays. I also said that with all the awkwardness between all of us that I would not be present for the holidays. Well, here's some clips of the response I got....only from one of them though, because the other one never responded.

"I don't understand the anger at ______about the due date..as you said that wasn't planned"

I never said I was angry at her. I said I was hurt and it's going to be a difficult time for me to see someone celebrating a new baby while I am having to celebrate my baby's 1st birthday with him in Heaven and not here with us.

"I'm sorry you guys are hurt but how many times before Dayton died did you call and ask people how they were and how they felt?"

So, if we never called someone to see how they were before, then when our baby died that means they should be excused from asking how we are? 

"We will leave you alone until you want us in your life again..."

That was the whole point of the letter....you've already left me alone and not made any contact!

However, after that whole ordeal I did learn something. I learned that with a lot of friends and family I set my expectations of them too high.

The next subject that's been on my mind a lot lately is the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Every time I think of it I have to hold back tears. My oldest son Davin is 5 years old, will be 6 in less than 2 months, and in Kindergarten. 18 of the kids at Sandy Hook were 6 years old. They were Davin's age and size. Ever since Friday I have caught myself staring at him and thinking how terrified and confused a child his age and size must have been. What would have been going through their minds? And the ones who survived....can you imagine how terrified they are going to be to go back to school tomorrow? I can't imagine what you could say to make a child want to go back to school after witnessing those events. Yes, obviously for a while they will be in a different school, but still....What if something falls off the shelf, or something pops and makes a loud noise? It's going to take those kids immediately back to that day! I'm actually scared to take Davin to school tomorrow. Every morning I drive him up to the sidewalk, give him hugs & kisses, tell him to be good & listen to his teacher, and to have a good day and I will see him later. I'm sure that's what a lot of the Sandy Hook parents did Friday morning....and 20 of them didn't get to see their kids later. Schools are supposed to be safe. Parents are supposed to feel like their kids are safe while they are at school. I know that Davin's school keeps all the doors and gates locked once school begins, and I know all the staff would do anything to keep the kids safe.....but after hearing of someone shooting their way into an Elementary school and then going into classrooms and shooting teachers and kids, I'm sure millions of people are scared to send their children to school tomorrow. All I can do is pray for those families and hug and kiss Davin a lot more than usual. I hope you all will pray for those involved as well, and also hug and kiss your children a little more too!

A Week of Remembering

This past week was full of ups and downs. Last Thursday was the 11th.....8 months since holding my baby. Friday I took Dayton's memory book to work and shared it with one of the ladies I work with. I know it's eventually going to come up and I just don't want to catch everyone off guard because I don't want them to act awkward around me. Saturday evening was the 3rd annual Remembering Our Babies candle light vigil. It was a great night, a sad night, but it was nice to be around my friends that know what I'm going through. My mom went with me, Jason and Davin to the vigil. I'm very thankful that my mom is so supportive and does things with me to show me that she is grieving also. She lost a grandson and it is hard for her as well. She has text me every month on the 11th, and other days here and there when she is thinking of me or Dayton. She goes with me to the cemetery and posts inspirational sayings to my Facebook wall; she wears a "grandma to an angel" bracelet, and took part in the Wave of Light on October 15 and lit a candle for Dayton. I had quite a few friends, and my sister Janet take part in the Wave of Light also and post pictures to my Facebook. It was so nice to see the people who are still thinking of us and supporting us.
This is a picture of all the candles that were lit Saturday night in remembrance of the babies who left us too soon.

Here is a picture of the candles that Jason, Davin and I lit Monday night for Dayton.

Tuesday I came home for lunch and had a present hanging on the door waiting for me. 

Our amazing friends Chris & Tera had me a bracelet made with Dayton's name! I cried when I opened it and I love it so much!! I am so thankful for the friends & family that remember us and think of us, that listen to us and aren't tired of hearing us talk about Dayton, that don't get awkward around us, and support us by remembering Dayton as well. You all know who you are and we thank you, appreciate you, and love you! 

I got this shirt at the vigil Saturday night and I'm so excited to wear it to work Friday!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow Jason is supposed to tattoo the pregnancy and infant loss ribbon on me since October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month! Tomorrow evening is also the MEND meeting. I'm looking forward to getting to talk and remember Dayton once again. This week has been full of ups and downs but overall it's been a great week.....a great week of remembering my baby!

Ramblings of a tired and depressed mommy...

It's been a while since my last post. I wanted to take a short break, but I didn't intend on it being this long. Life just got busy and it hasn't slowed down yet. I would really like to be in bed right now but I'm forcing myself to at least get a little bit of my thoughts out.
I recently started a new job and it seems like I can't get anything done. I get up at 5:30am and get myself ready, wake Davin up at 6:50 and get him fed and dressed for school, leave by 7:20 so I can get him to school and me to work before 8. I get off at 5pm, pick Davin up from daycare around 5:15 and then head home.  Davin goes to bed by 8:30 so by the time we get home I have about 3 hours to spend with him, doing homework, playing, reading, or whatever else. But, I also have to mow the yard, grocery shop, cook dinner, wash dishes, put away dishes, wash clothes, put away clothes, and pick up everything around the house that just gets thrown around when we are too busy or lazy to put it away that moment! Now obviously I don't do all of those things every night, but every night there's something that needs done! I know there are tons of moms that work full time (or more) and have all this (or more) to do on a daily basis as well. I wanted a full-time job and I'm thankful I FINALLY got one. It's nice to actually have a little extra money just sitting in my bank account and not stressing because I have $5 and a bill coming up! The weekends are just as crazy too. First thing Saturday mornings we have soccer games and then I always have some kind of errands or cleaning to do. Sunday's are NORMALLY lazy, relaxing days....but they go by way to fast. I just haven't adjusted to my new schedule yet. I'm at that stage where I'm just stressed and tired. I'm missing getting to see Davin as much as I was used to and then there's so much going on that's making me miss Dayton as well.
Thursday is the 11th which will be 8 months since Dayton's passing. This Saturday is the candle light vigil dinner for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I'm extremely nervous, but excited to see some friends and meet a few new ones. Me and Jason both have our candle holders decorated and I'm going to decorate one for my mom and Davin to take as well. I plan on Davin wearing his "big brother" shirt for the first time also! Monday is the 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I'm really nervous about this Thursday the 11th and then Monday the 15th. I haven't really had the opportunity to mention my loss to anyone at work and I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. I want them to know, because I know I'm going to have my rough days, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or to not want to bring it up or talk about it because they see that it makes me sad.
The other day Davin and I went to Hobby Lobby looking for some Halloween ghosts to hang in our tree in the front yard. Well, they didn't have any and I haven't been able to find any so I'm not sure what kind of decorating we will do this year. While we were there we decided to browse through the Christmas aisles. BAD IDEA. Every single aisle (even the end caps) had "Baby's 1st Christmas" items. There were ornaments, stockings, bibs, booties, hats, picture frames and stuffed bears. I wanted to quickly turn around and leave, but I tortured myself and looked at every item....for quite a while.
I'm not ready for the holidays coming up. I see and hear all these people so excited about dressing up their baby for their 1st Halloween and I get so sad and jealous that I don't get to! And then all of the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stuff....I don't get to be excited about that either. I did however buy Dayton a small stocking that I will probably hang on the tree this year.

Well, now that I've written a little, cried a little, and gotten every one caught up on my hectic, stressful, sometimes depressed but blessed life.....I'm going to bed. 5:30am comes way too early!

No apologies

After my last blog I thought about giving up the whole public writing thing and just going back to using only my personal journal. Apparently, people get offended when you speak about how you feel. I'm not going to apologize. This is my blog and it is my space to get out my thoughts and feelings. If you don't like how I feel and what I write then don't read my blog. It's not here for you. What it is here for is:
1) To help me! To get my feelings and thoughts out so I don't explode trying to hold everything in.
 2) To hopefully help other baby loss moms who may at times feel the same as I do but can't or don't talk about it or express it.
And most importantly 3)For Dayton. I remember him and always will. Jason and Davin remember him and I know some of my family/friends will always remember him. But other family/friends....I'm tired of trying to "remind" you of him so he doesn't get forgotten.
Some of you reading this may think "how could I ever forget him?" Maybe you won't, but you don't let me know that! It has really surprised me at the people who have really taken the effort in the last (almost) 7 months to just let me know that they are thinking of Dayton as well as thinking of me! I cherish those people so much. How hard is it to send a text, post on my Facebook wall, send me a private message or e-mail just to say something like "I've had Dayton on my mind this morning, thinking of you."; "Hope you are doing well, hugs."; "Been thinking of you and praying." ?? With that said, once again I don't want my phone, messages, e-mail or whatever blowing up from people trying to cheer me up and bring me comfort. I know who can act normal around me, and can send me a simple sentence to make my day, and not be selfish about doing it or avoid doing it because it makes them feel awkward. I know who those people are....and it's people I never expected it from!
These are my feelings, my thoughts, my blog. I'm not going to sensor and sugar coat my thoughts and feelings to make other people happy or feel better or comfortable. If you don't like what I feel, then please don't read my blog anymore because that's what this whole blog is about: MY thoughts and MY feelings while trying to handle losing MY son!

New feelings

This past week has brought a lot of new feelings up. I want to move away and completely start over. New town, new jobs, new house, new friends, new everything. I don't want to try and run from my life, my loss, and try to forget Dayton. Because obviously that could never happen. But I do want to get away from the people (some family included) that can no longer act normal around me. It's like everyone is walking around on egg shells, whispering, just waiting for me to explode. Yes, my baby died and it sucks, but the silence and avoidance doesn't make it suck any less! It's like people think that the only thing I want to think or talk about is Dayton, but they don't want to bring it up because they don't want to upset me.....I would love to talk about Dayton to anyone that wants to, but I can talk about other things too. And the people I know that are pregnant avoid me like I have a contagious illness that will kill their baby too. It is tough at times to see pregnant people, especially the ones that are progressing at the same time my pregnancy was last year. Your worst nightmare about your unborn baby, is my reality....but I promise it's not contagious. So, the silence and avoidance doesn't make this any easier for me. And after writing this I really don't want people freaking out and texting me or messaging me, because obviously this isn't about everyone. I do have some friends/family left that still talk to me and hang out with me and make time for me and don't avoid me. Some of those people occasionally send me messages or write on my Facebook wall or leave me comments on my blogs and those small gestures make all the difference. I may not can move or get a new house or anything, or even get away from some family/friends. But there will be a few changes coming that will be best for me. So, out with the old.......

I've also realized it's hard to "fit in" with other baby loss moms. The only people I can really connect with are the ones whose stories are similar to mine. I listen to other people's stories and feel sad for them that they are traveling this road as well, but it's confusing. I don't want to sound insensitive because I don't want to come off that way at all but I just can't connect with the people that talk about miscarriages, or early stillbirths, or the women who have a reason. I know a reason wouldn't make it any easier, but a lot of times I just don't feel like I fit in. I was pretty much full term with Dayton, so he didn't have any issues from being born too early, and the autopsy results came back saying that everything was fine that there were no diseases, infections, or any other issues.... So, I guess this week I've realized I don't fit in like I used to with friends and family, but I don't quite fit in with all of the baby loss community either. Guess I will just stick by the people that I feel comfortable around and see how that goes.