Random Thoughts

How is it possible to still have baby fever after losing your baby? Why do I look at baby things every day? I'm sad and miss Dayton terribly, but I still want a baby in my arms and waking me up by crying every hour. Am I a horrible mom/person for wanting another baby eventually?  What do you do when you think that eventually you will want to try again but your partner is for sure set on no? I know I still need time to heal mentally and emotionally and grieve for Dayton a lot more, but there's still a part of me that is dead set on wanting another baby down the road. I kinda wish I didn't feel like having another baby because I don't in any way want anyone to think I'm just trying to replace Dayton. I don't want to replace him, I couldn't replace him. And I wish I didn't feel like having another baby because having to go 9 months worrying every day if everything's OK....how am I going to handle that?!? But how do you tell yourself to stop feeling this way and to stop wanting a baby so badly? If I got rid of all the baby items in the house would that help? Maybe I should just tell Jason to go have the surgery. That way it's done....the decision is made. What do you tell your 5 year old when he asks you if there will be another baby in your belly? How can I not want to try and give him another brother/sister when he was so excited and proud of the first one? Why haven't we had any "friends" ask us how we're doing? It's like people think if they talk about it it will happen to them or something. Or that by not talking about it or bringing him up helps us so we aren't thinking about it. We think about Dayton every day....no one has to say anything, he's just there in our thoughts every day. So actually it would be quite nice if someone would show a little compassion and think about him too by bringing him up or asking how we're doing.

Mommy - Davin time

I had a really good, long weekend. I was off Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday! Jason was in Houston working but got home at 1am Monday, and Davin was with me all day every day except Friday he was at daycare. I had some tough moments and cried here and there because I missed Dayton but I was strong and didn't get stuck in a sad/depressed mood. I knew I needed some much needed Mommy - Davin time and didn't want to be sad and depressed all weekend.
Friday evening we went and watched my niece in her dance recital.

Saturday and Sunday we spent most of the day with Grandma (Mommy's mommy) as Davin calls her and painted.

He was such a big helper too! If he wasn't helping us paint, he was helping us by handing us things or by just playing with his DSi or toys and staying out of our way. Some people said I was brave for letting him help us paint, but I wasn't worried because he's my neat child. He likes his toys to be organized and his room fairly clean. He doesn't like for his hands to be messy or his clothes to be dirty. Every time a little bit of paint dripped on him he ran to the bathroom to wash it off! However, he doesn't mind getting messy while eating cake.....

 

 

This kid loves some cake! He doesn't eat candy or chocolate but he will devour some cake, brownies, or sugar cookies! Jason came home early Monday morning and brought back Davin some new shirts. Here's one that he wore Monday.....

From yesterday afternoon to this morning he collected $5 from me, his daddy, his Aunt Jen, Auntie Janet, & Grampers. So, today when I pick him up from daycare we are going to Target to buy a new monster truck with his hard earned money. 

Silence

Sometimes you need it, sometimes you want it, other times you dread it. Today was not a day that I wanted silence. I might have needed it, and I may be grateful for it later, but right now I am not enjoying it. Davin is at school, Jason is in Houston (the last time he was in Houston I was pregnant with Dayton), my dad is not coming up until later this evening, and I have the day off with nothing to do and nothing to watch on TV. I have been reading blogs, websites, listening to music, and crying. I miss Dayton every day and think of him every day, but today is one of those rough days. One of those days where you don't need to be in silence. One of those days where everything I read, everything I hear, everything I see reminds me of Dayton and reminds me that he is not physically here with me.

Silence also has me irritable today, well I guess it's not really the silence that has me irritable but rather Facebook. Is everyone on my friends list pregnant? Or trying to get pregnant? Or just delivered a healthy baby that they get to take home? Probably not everyone on my friends list, but there is a good handful that fall into those 3 categories. It's not that I'm not happy for them because I am. I hope the people trying to become pregnant get their wish. I hope the people that are pregnant go full term and deliver a healthy baby. And I hope the people that just delivered their baby continue to have a healthy baby. I would never want or wish for anyone to have to go through what me and my family have with losing Dayton. But every time I see those ecstatic posts or pictures I can't help but wonder "why me."  Why me? Why my baby? There will never be an answer to why, and even if there was it wouldn't make this journey any easier.....

The things we remember....

Normally, my memory is horrible. I can't remember things my husband has told me, where I have put things, and sometimes what I wore the day before. But the days February 9-12 of 2012, I remember every minor detail as if it just happened.
Thursday February 9: I was wearing my turquoise Aeropostale sweat pants and a white t-shirt and had just gotten home from picking up Davin from daycare. I got out of my vehicle and went to throw away some trash, came back to get Davin out of the vehicle and tripped on our brick planters that line our carport. I fell, landing on my leg and wrist. I sat there for a minute, in shock and unsure of what to do. I didn't remember hitting my belly, but what if I did? I started to panic and cry, got Davin out of the car and then called Jason. He tried to calm me down the best he could but I was still scared so I called my Dr. Of course, with if being after 5pm I had to explain to his answering service what had happened and then they would call my Dr for me. About 10 minutes later my Dr called me and I explained again what had happened. He assured me that even if I had landed on my belly that babies have a lot more protection around them than we realize, and the only time he had even seen something happen to a baby after a small minor fall was in the movies. So, for the remainder of the evening I was to relax and as long as I felt the baby move and there was no cramping or bleeding then everything was fine. I felt a lot calmer now so I laid back in the recliner while Davin played and watched TV. After about 30 minutes of relaxing I finally felt Dayton move....a tiny hand or foot nudging up under my rib! I smiled and rubbed it as I normally did. Later, Jason came home and saw my swollen and bruised leg. We decided to do Little Caesar's pizza for supper. After eating I laid back down on the couch and propped my feet up in Jason's lap. Dayton always seemed to wake up to show me his kung-fu moves every time I laid down, but I didn't feel him. I rolled over to my left side trying to feel him that way....still nothing. I became concerned, but I also worry very easily! Jason told me he's probably just tired because of the fall and me stressing and worrying, which made complete sense so I didn't think much of it for the rest of the night.
Friday February 10: That morning I woke up and laid in bed for a few minutes waiting for the kicks....still nothing. Jason lightly shook my belly saying "wake up man" but still nothing. Looking back now, I wish I would have gone to the hospital immediately after falling Thursday evening. But, I had no cramping, no bleeding and I had felt Dayton move once or twice. I think in my gut I knew something wasn't right but I didn't want to be "that mom" that freaks out and runs to the Dr over a runny nose or something. So I just kept telling myself  "he's ok, he's tired, he's running out of room and can't move much, he's resting getting ready for delivery...etc" My daddy normally always comes up on Friday's and we have lunch and grocery shop. I was wearing my black Aeropostale sweat pants and a lime green long sleeve hooded shirt. We had lunch at Cici's and then went to see my oldest sister at a rummage sale she was helping with. I bought a vibrating bouncer and baby clothes. Then we did a little grocery shopping. After we had finished and my dad had left to go back home I got in the recliner to relax.....hands on belly, waiting for movement. I text Jason and told him I was really starting to worry. It was Friday and my Dr isn't in the office on Friday's so I called and talked to a nurse in labor and delivery. She told me to drink something that was really cold and has caffeine and then lay on my left side for an hour. I had pretty much cut out caffeine and was drinking mostly just water while pregnant, but luckily we had some Mt. Dew in the refrigerator so I drank a big glass of it and laid down. An hour later...nothing. I called back and told her and she told me to come on up to labor and delivery and they would run some tests. At this moment I really wasn't scared or panicking. It had never once crossed my mind that my baby wasn't alive anymore! Once you get past the 1st trimester, and miscarriage rates drastically decrease, you just assume you're in the clear and you WILL be bringing home a baby from the hospital. I checked into labor and delivery, filled out some paperwork, and they got me in a room. Did a quick urine sample, put on the backless garment and laid in the bed....calm & ready to see my baby and hear his heartbeat. The first nurse came in, talked to me asking why I was there and then proceeded to look for a heartbeat. After about 20 minutes of not finding it she said "he may just be positioned wrong, we'll give him a few minutes and try again." Positioned wrong? Over the past 7-8 months my Dr has always found the heartbeat withing 5-7 seconds! Then I started to panic, but tried to stay calm. A couple minutes later another nurse came in. She was a little rougher, pushing my belly every which way trying to find a heart beat. Still nothing. At that point they told me Dr. Wilson would be in to do an ultrasound in a few minutes, but I might want to get in touch with my husband and tell him to come up here to be with me. Jason arrived pretty quick, and about 5 minutes after he showed up Dr. Wilson came in to do the ultrasound. He did the ultrasound, I saw my baby laying there, no red and blue flashes indicating blood flow or a heartbeat. I was confused. I had had no bleeding, no cramping, I had felt him move!! Dr. Wilson sat down and I could tell he was fighting back tears. He didn't know what to say to us. He said there was no way that this was a result of the fall, and mostly likely after delivery he will find a knot in the cord or it will be around his neck. So, I got checked into labor and delivery and wheeled down the hall to my room. Jason ended up with phone duty and got to call and break the news to everyone. I was in shock for a while, unable to cry and truly process what was happening. I just kept thinking that the machines were broken and that my baby was fine....they would see soon that he's fine. It was a long night....4 doses of pitocin before labor really started to progress.
Saturday February 11: At 3:06 am Dayton Asher was born. 7lbs 4oz, and 20in long. That's when my world truly came crumbling down around me. That's when I first saw my baby and realized my Dr wasn't wrong, the machines weren't broken....my baby really wasn't breathing. I cried long and hard. He looked so perfect and just like his big brother. What was I going to tell Davin? And how was he going to take it? He had been so excited lately about all the things he was going to get to teach his baby brother. He had drawn pictures of our family and included Dayton. He was going to help mommy feed him and hold him, but not help with the diapers... Dr. Wilson didn't find a knot in the cord and it wasn't around his neck either. Once again, I could see him fighting back tears because he didn't know what to tell us. He found no reason as to why our baby was not alive and breathing. A little over an hour after delivery, after he had gotten cleaned up and they had done footprints, handprints, and photos I finally got to hold Dayton. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep had come to take photos of everyone holding him. Me and Jason, my mom, my dad, my oldest sister, Jason's mom, Jason's sister and Jason's oldest niece all got to hold him and have their photos taken holding him. I was unsure at first when they said someone would come take photos. Why would someone come take photos of my baby that isn't breathing? But now I am so glad I have these photos and don't know what I would do without them! I do wish Davin would have gotten to be there though and hold his baby brother. With it being 4 in the morning when we got to see Dayton though I knew it would have been a lot more stressful with a sleepy, cranky 5 year old that was unsure of what was happening. The rest of Saturday involved trying to plan a funeral. Where/when and what we wanted to have done......
Sunday February 12: It was a cold & windy day. Also, a very sad day and a day that no parent should ever have to experience. The day Jason and I had to bury our youngest boy, our baby. The day Davin got to see his baby brother for the first time, but had to tell him goodbye moments later. I will never forget walking up to Dayton in his casket and telling Davin that that was his baby brother. Davin's eyes lit up! He was so proud and did not leave Dayton's side the whole time we were there. Anytime someone came into the room he would grab them by the hand, point and say come look at Dayton so proudly! He IS a great big brother...not WAS! It was also the day grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends came to say hello and goodbye at the same time. Dayton looked so adorable! He was dressed in a blue onesie with a train on it, wrapped in a fleece blanket with trains, and had a blue cap that my mom had made for him. Luckily, I had told her a month back that he was probably going to have Jason's big head and she made a bigger one. The ceremony was beautiful. My mom wrote a poem and we all wrote special notes on blue balloons and released them together.
It's been a little over 3 months and not a day goes by that I don't think about Dayton. I constantly wonder what his cry would sound like, if he would snore and breath heavy like Davin when he sleeps, what his brown eyes would look like (the only way I know they are brown is because of the autopsy results), what his smile would look like and so on.... I still blame myself even though I know I shouldn't. The autopsy didn't give us a reason so I constantly wonder if he would be here with us if I hadn't have fallen? What if I would have gone to the hospital Thursday night...would they have noticed something wrong and been able to save him? That one time I felt his hand or foot nudging under my rib and I thought he was telling me he was ok, was he really telling me goodbye? I've made some progress picking up the pieces to my shattered life, but I've got a long road ahead of me. I know I will never "get over" this....losing a child isn't something you get over...EVER! I just have to continue on in this new life.....for me, my husband, our oldest son, and our families.