Thursday, May 31, 2012
Random Thoughts
How is it possible to still have baby fever after losing your baby? Why do I look at baby things every day? I'm sad and miss Dayton terribly, but I still want a baby in my arms and waking me up by crying every hour. Am I a horrible mom/person for wanting another baby eventually? What do you do when you think that eventually you will want to try again but your partner is for sure set on no? I know I still need time to heal mentally and emotionally and grieve for Dayton a lot more, but there's still a part of me that is dead set on wanting another baby down the road. I kinda wish I didn't feel like having another baby because I don't in any way want anyone to think I'm just trying to replace Dayton. I don't want to replace him, I couldn't replace him. And I wish I didn't feel like having another baby because having to go 9 months worrying every day if everything's OK....how am I going to handle that?!? But how do you tell yourself to stop feeling this way and to stop wanting a baby so badly? If I got rid of all the baby items in the house would that help? Maybe I should just tell Jason to go have the surgery. That way it's done....the decision is made. What do you tell your 5 year old when he asks you if there will be another baby in your belly? How can I not want to try and give him another brother/sister when he was so excited and proud of the first one? Why haven't we had any "friends" ask us how we're doing? It's like people think if they talk about it it will happen to them or something. Or that by not talking about it or bringing him up helps us so we aren't thinking about it. We think about Dayton every day....no one has to say anything, he's just there in our thoughts every day. So actually it would be quite nice if someone would show a little compassion and think about him too by bringing him up or asking how we're doing.
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Jessica, you are not a bad mother or person for wanting another. I lost my very first pregnancy at 20 weeks...I was supposed to be in the safe zone and then bam it was gone! At first I didn't know I would ever have another...well sure enough after grieving for a while...a long while..I did it again and now I have a beauitful 6 year old. But I told myself I would never ever have another...then I met my husband..and eventually we decided that we would try. No big deal right? We tried for 4 months and then finally got a positive! We were happy. I was scared to death! We go to the dr we see the ultrasound and there the baby was big and strong and healthy...very active for 10 weeks! Dr said he didn't see anything to worry about. Two weeks later my world came crashing down. I had a little spotting...just a tiny bit but I knew. I knew in heart what was happening. Of course that was a Friday I called the dr's office, they said everything was fine..it was probably nothing...but I knew..I called my mom and my grandma...they tried to reassure me that it was all ok. I must have called the after hours number 50 million times...they kept telling me it was fine..Sunday morning I got up and I knew. I went to the ER and sure enough there was no heartbeat..I started bleeding...bleeding bad...I am on blood thinners so bleeding is not good..The dr didn't know what to say. He called my dr who rushed up there..I was having an ultrasound when he got there...he patted me told me how sorry he was..he didn't know what happened..I had been crying since I got to the hospital and I still was. I had to have emergency surgery the last thing I remember is crying. The whole next week is a blur..Our oldest was driving down that day to see her dad because it was Father's Day. Not that any day is better than another to lose a baby but Father's Day. :( The whole point of telling you all of that is to tell you don't give up. One day you will be ready and Jason will be ready as well. And then it will happen.
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