Truth is, I'm barely hanging on

Well, I took the crib down last night. It was hard and I cried a lot while doing it; but honestly I was just tired of looking at the room all together with everything in its place...except a baby to go in the crib. So, now it at least doesn't look baby ready, which is still pretty hard. I'm also trying to get rid of a few of the smaller things I bought. They don't really have any sentimental value because Dayton was never able to use them, but it's still tough to see them go or be put up. I'm tired of keeping his bedroom door shut so tonight it's open. Walking down the hall and looking into the room surely can't be any harder than walking down the hall to see a shut door and knowing that behind it is emptiness and darkness. Today was another rough day, but fortunately my daddy drove up and kept me busy for most of the morning and afternoon. My husband and I are on completely different pages about maybe having another baby down the road and I'm at the point where I just want to scream, break everything in sight, and throw all the baby items we have accumulated on the curb. I'm not mad that he doesn't want to try again; I can't blame him for how he feels. He has every right to feel the way he does. I'm mad at myself for even considering having another. How can I consider putting myself, my husband & my family through the weeks/months of another pregnancy that isn't guaranteed to go the way we all want? There is no guarantee that this won't happen again!

I feel like a failure...to myself, my husband, my sons, my parents, well pretty much everyone. I haven't been there for my husband lately, I haven't listened to him, and I haven't talked to him. I've never really talked to him. I can't talk about my feelings, I just cry. So instead of talking, I write. Will our marriage make it through this? Through this horrible, tragic event that the majority of couples don't experience? Yes, of course I want us to be strong and be there for each other and support each other and make our marriage last. I pray that our marriage lasts because I can't imagine my life without him. I love him deeply, but I feel like I'm failing him as a wife and failing our marriage. I haven't been there for Davin either. I know I'm a good mom and that he has everything he wants and needs. Except for a baby brother. When we first talked about having a baby he would tell us no he didn't want one, then later he said he wanted a sister (probably so he wouldn't have to share his boy toys), but then as he saw my belly getting bigger you could see the excitement on his face. He would place his hand on my belly and rub it, he was going to teach his baby brother how to count, and his ABC's, and he was going to help me feed him and make him laugh. Now, he doesn't get to do those things. He still has a baby brother, but he doesn't get to teach him things or make him laugh. I feel like I don't play with him enough or actually spend time with him doing things he wants to do. I feel like I'm failing him. I know no one blames me for what happened with Dayton, but it feels like they do. I know it's not my fault, but it feels like it was. I've been listening to Selah - I will carry you over and over every day and it's stuck in my head. I love the lyrics but the part that sticks out to me the most is "People say I am brave but I'm not, Truth is I'm barely hanging on" because that's really what it's like. Everyone say's I'm so strong or I'm an amazing person/mother and they look up to me. How am I strong, and why are you looking up to me? Yes, I'm not suicidal or going through major depression, but I'm not strong or brave. I'm doing what I have to.....be here for my husband, Davin, and my family. I have prayed at times and wished that I could be with Dayton, but he doesn't need me. He's safe and has tons of family rocking him and taking care of him. The people who do need me are here on Earth, so I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm here for them as much as I possibly can be. But I don't see how I'm brave, or a strong woman when I feel like I'm falling apart and picking up just enough pieces to go on day to day.