Still missing him

I'm really missing Dayton. Not that that's something new or unusual because I miss him every day, every minute and every second. This week has just had its share of rough moments. Thursday at work I was completing a lady's transaction and asked her how old her little girl was; she said 4 months. Everything turned into slow motion, and it seemed like I just stared at that baby forever. I hope her mom didn't notice and think I was some type of psycho. But I wanted to just take everything in and see how big she was and what she was doing. Dayton should have been close to that size. He should have been sitting there on my hip, holding his head up and looking around. He should have been holding a rattle in his hand like her. I caught myself having to hold back tears.

Davin drew a picture the other day of himself, me and his daddy. I asked him where Dayton was and he said he's invisible. I started to cry. Sometimes when I talk about Dayton, Davin will say he isn't real, and other times he says Dayton is an angel in Heaven, and asks me why Dayton lives in Heaven and not at home with us. I know he's only 5, and I'm sure it's very confusing for him because it's confusing for me. I just wish there was someway I could make him understand. But then again, how am I going to make him understand when I don't even understand what happened and why?? How can I give him an explanation, or a reason, when I don't have one for myself....

I miss Dayton so much. I constantly see people selling baby stuff, or in the stores I see the baby aisles. And on Facebook I see people's posts about being pregnant, or welcoming home baby. I still don't know what I'm going to do with his things, or his room. Some days I want to sell it all, the extra money would be nice. But honestly, I know I can't. I know if I got rid of all the baby things, and changed up his room I would be mad at myself and regret it. I still hope one day that crib will hold a baby, that car seat will be in the backseat of my vehicle with a baby in it and Davin beside it, and that stroller will get to go to the mall to show off the sweet new baby in it.