My mind has been all over the place today. Certain things just popping up out of nowhere and leaving me wondering. I read an article the other day that said 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. Holy crap! I can't imagine losing my baby and also my husband. I've been pretty lucky, my husband has been strong for me, and been here for me, and helped me a lot. Yes, we've had our arguments and our bad days where we are irritated/frustrated and snip at each other over the stupidest things. But we aren't giving up. We've got a long, long road ahead of us and I think we both need each other to push each other along. I hope and pray that we always remember that we need each other so that we don't become part of that 80% statistic.
Looking back at certain things has got me wondering, did I somehow sense something was going to happen with Dayton or was it just a coincidence....
As soon as I found out I was pregnant I went to Books-A-Million to buy a journal. I wanted to keep a pregnancy journal to write down cravings, weight gain, moods, how Dr appts went and stuff like that. The journal I picked out has clouds with angel wings at the top.
I was around 16 weeks pregnant and Jason was in Houston working a tattoo convention. I was hooked on the show The Secret Life of The American Teenager. Since he was gone, after Davin went to bed, I would watch episode after episode to get caught up. Little did I know that in the last season that was on Netflix Adrian delivered her full term baby stillborn. I cried a lot on that episode. I very rarely cry at movies or TV shows, but my pregnancy hormones were out of control! And plus, being pregnant, seeing her have everything ready for this baby, go full term, and then lose it so soon and unexpected scared me to death and I put myself in her shoes....not knowing that in real life I would later actually be in her shoes.
Another show I watched a lot on Netflix and Hulu was Private Practice. I was farther along in my pregnancy while watching this one certain episode, and like last time my hormones were going crazy and I cried my eyes out! I believe I actually watched this one episode a week before losing Dayton. Anyway, it was the one where Addison's mom died. After watching that episode I remember sitting on the couch and thinking that it had been a few years since I had been to a funeral. From 2002-2008 I went to at least 1 funeral every year. I couldn't remember attending a funeral after 2008 and thinking wow, that's good....but is it going to catch up to me this year? I thought of my grandmother, she hasn't been doing too well the past year or so, so I was thinking and wondering if her funeral would be the next I attend. I never expected or even thought about having to attend my son's funeral.
And the last thing that really has my mind boggled: Jason and I had both decided that Dayton would be the final addition to our family. I always said I wanted 3 kids, he was satisfied with just Davin but I kinda talked him into another. So, we settled on 2. After we got pregnant with Dayton, Jason was dead set on going to get a vasectomy. He mentioned it a few times and every time he would bring it up I would tell him to please wait until I deliver and we get Dayton home. I don't know why I asked him to wait......
This is just some of the random/confusing things going through my head today.
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