Grief Journey - June

Where am I on my grief journey? It's only just begun. I'm heartbroken, confused, angry, and well.....pissed! I do have my good days, but I also have bad days. And I assume that's just the way it's going to be from here on out. In 4 days it will have been 4 months since I last held him in my arms. In 5 days it will have been 4 months since I last kissed those sweet, soft cheeks. Some days it seems like it's been even longer, and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. I keep hoping that one night I will see him in a dream, but it hasn't happened yet.

We went out to eat tonight. At the booth in front of me (behind my husband) was a beautiful little girl that looked to be maybe a month or two old. I stared at her almost the whole time we were there. She fussed a little bit and I had to hold back the tears. I love looking at newborns/infants but I don't want to hear them cry or hold them. I never heard Dayton's cry and I always wonder what it would sound like. Dayton was the last baby I've held, and I plan to keep it that way for a long while.

So, I guess where I'm at......is right where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be heartbroken, confused, angry, and pissed. How could I not be after losing my baby? My baby that grew inside of me for 36 1/2 weeks. My baby that I had everything bought, washed, and ready for when he came home. My baby that was so beautiful and perfect. My baby that I miss every day and wanted to see grow up for many, many years.....

This is my baby. His pictures make me sad, but also bring a smile because he was just so beautiful. Being a baby loss mom sucks, but I'm proud & glad to be Dayton's mommy! He will always be my baby, my angel.

I am linking up with The Journey @ Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.