New feelings

This past week has brought a lot of new feelings up. I want to move away and completely start over. New town, new jobs, new house, new friends, new everything. I don't want to try and run from my life, my loss, and try to forget Dayton. Because obviously that could never happen. But I do want to get away from the people (some family included) that can no longer act normal around me. It's like everyone is walking around on egg shells, whispering, just waiting for me to explode. Yes, my baby died and it sucks, but the silence and avoidance doesn't make it suck any less! It's like people think that the only thing I want to think or talk about is Dayton, but they don't want to bring it up because they don't want to upset me.....I would love to talk about Dayton to anyone that wants to, but I can talk about other things too. And the people I know that are pregnant avoid me like I have a contagious illness that will kill their baby too. It is tough at times to see pregnant people, especially the ones that are progressing at the same time my pregnancy was last year. Your worst nightmare about your unborn baby, is my reality....but I promise it's not contagious. So, the silence and avoidance doesn't make this any easier for me. And after writing this I really don't want people freaking out and texting me or messaging me, because obviously this isn't about everyone. I do have some friends/family left that still talk to me and hang out with me and make time for me and don't avoid me. Some of those people occasionally send me messages or write on my Facebook wall or leave me comments on my blogs and those small gestures make all the difference. I may not can move or get a new house or anything, or even get away from some family/friends. But there will be a few changes coming that will be best for me. So, out with the old.......

I've also realized it's hard to "fit in" with other baby loss moms. The only people I can really connect with are the ones whose stories are similar to mine. I listen to other people's stories and feel sad for them that they are traveling this road as well, but it's confusing. I don't want to sound insensitive because I don't want to come off that way at all but I just can't connect with the people that talk about miscarriages, or early stillbirths, or the women who have a reason. I know a reason wouldn't make it any easier, but a lot of times I just don't feel like I fit in. I was pretty much full term with Dayton, so he didn't have any issues from being born too early, and the autopsy results came back saying that everything was fine that there were no diseases, infections, or any other issues.... So, I guess this week I've realized I don't fit in like I used to with friends and family, but I don't quite fit in with all of the baby loss community either. Guess I will just stick by the people that I feel comfortable around and see how that goes.