Living With Regrets...

I've wanted to write a new blog for quite a while now, but I just haven't really known what to write about. I've been in this weird funk where I just don't know exactly what I've been feeling. I've mostly been thinking about my "regrets" I guess you would call them. Looking back now there are so many things I wish I would have done differently.

1) I wish I would have gone to the ER right after I had tripped. Even though I didn't fall on my stomach, and even though my Dr said my fall wouldn't have caused Dayton's death and to not blame myself I still can't help but wonder WHAT IF, and blame myself. He was inside me and the only job I had to do was carry him, protect him, and keep my body healthy for him to have a safe place for 9 months....and I feel as if my body failed; failed Dayton and failed me. And what if I would have gone to the ER immediately? Would the outcome be different?

2) I wish I would have held Dayton longer. I was confused and unsure of how to handle the situation. I didn't know if I held him too long if he would start to get cold or change somehow and I didn't want to see that. But, now I just wish I would have taken in more. Looked at his little feet more, held his hands a little longer, kissed his cheeks and forehead a few more times.

3) I wish I would have had Davin come to the hospital. Even if it was just for a minute to hold Dayton and get a few pictures. I feel so horrible that Davin never got to hold his baby brother. I'm glad Davin was old enough to where he somewhat understood a little. He sees pictures of me pregnant with Dayton and pictures of Dayton and remembers and knows all about him. I love it when he draws pictures of Dayton in the clouds or talks about Dayton.

4) At times I wish I wouldn't have done the autopsy. The reason I wanted it done was because I wanted to know what had happened and if it was something that could affect a future pregnancy. However, the autopsy came back with nothing. No explanation, no reason. So, I feel bad sometimes that I had that procedure done to my baby.
I still just don't understand how there can be no reason, no explanation. According to the Dr and the autopsy results he was perfectly healthy and growing on schedule...his heart just stopped. My Dr said he didn't know what to say except it was basically like a case of SIDS that just happened inside the womb instead of later on. It sucks badly and terrifies me that that's the only reason I have....his heart just stopped. I'm scared something like that could happen again, but to Davin or a possible future pregnancy.

Like I said, my feelings lately have just been real confusing and kind of all over the place. The only thing I know for sure is that I am missing Dayton like crazy. I want to just hold him, snuggle him, smell him, and kiss him!

Oh how I wish I could rub those little feet and have those little hands hold my fingers!! Mommy loves you so much Dayton Asher.

Dayton's headstone

I didn't get to have a 1st birthday party for my baby with friends and family. I didn't get to have pictures of a baby with cake frosting everywhere. I didn't get to buy my baby new toys to unwrap and play with. Instead, for my baby's 1st birthday I ordered his headstone. I'm thankful for some caring friends that helped us to be able to order it sooner than we had originally expected, but having to buy a headstone for your child at any time is not something you ever want to experience. I could have waited and ordered it later, but seeing as how there really wasn't any thing else I could give Dayton for his birthday it seemed like the only suitable "gift" to get him. So, fast forward a few months and Dayton's headstone finally got finished and set. It's perfect, and exactly what we had hoped for. 

After the monument place had it set they gave me a call and thanked me for letting them do it because they had never done a train like that and they had really enjoyed getting to do something different. The train was the one thing that I knew for sure I wanted on there because his coming home outfit (which is what he was buried in) was a onesie with a train and a fleece train blanket. Davin was big into trains at that time so he was real excited for his baby brother to have train outfits and blankets. When we first went to see the headstone it was extremely hard to see Dayton's name and everything, but in a way it was also kind of healing. Now it just seems like it's not just another grave that just has flowers and stuffed animals for people to see as they walk by....now people can see his name and birthday and everything so I like that.

A little bit of Heaven in a box

I received a text Thursday evening stating that a much anticipated package would be shipped on Friday and that I could check my e-mail to track the package. I tracked the package over the weekend and it was scheduled to arrive on Monday. Today was the day. After anxiously waiting on a waiting list since April 2012 I finally received that special box on my doorstep. I knew the mail normally ran between noon and 2:00, so starting at noon I was constantly listening for the mail lady and checking my phone for the time. Around 1:00 there was a knock at the door and I knew it was my package. I opened the door and sure enough it was the mail! I looked down at that box and froze....it was finally here!! I picked it up and carried it inside; it was a lot heavier than I was expecting. I had imagined that when I received this box that I would open it immediately, but I just stared at it for the longest. I have been waiting 13 months for this!!!

My Dayton Bear made by the wonderful people at Molly Bears has finally arrived!!!

As I stated in my last post, Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears to help families who have suffered through child loss. My Dayton bear is 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton was when he was born. It felt so heavy lifting it up out of that box, but as soon as I laid it in my arms like a baby it felt absolutely perfect! I cried....a lot. It felt amazing to have that weight resting on my arms again.

Each bear is made unique so I had no idea what my Dayton bear would look like, but I absolutely adore it! It's perfect in every way. I like that's it's simple. Davin never got to hold Dayton, but today he got to hold our Dayton bear and feel what 7lbs and 4oz would have felt like. He definitely would have loved holding his baby brother!

Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is Bereaved Mother's Day. It sucks that this day had to be thought of because some mothers don't have any living children and aren't recognized as "Mother's" on the actual Mother's Day. You're a mom the moment you get pregnant, no matter how long the pregnancy lasts or the baby lives....you are always their mom. It's just hard for people who haven't been through a loss to understand the importance of being recognized as a mother to a baby who isn't on this Earth with you. Even though I do have a living child and am recognized as his mother on Mother's Day, today is a day in the baby loss community that I will be recognized as having another son, one who can't physically be here with me.
The roller-coaster they call grief has taken a sharp nose dive and dropped me back down a few levels.  I miss Dayton a lot, and the stress of other things are making my moods extreme. His headstone should be finished soon and I'm very anxious to see it and to put all of his stuffed animals back out there with him. It's taking a lot longer than they originally told me and I hate that all of his stuff is here at the house instead of with him. I also got an e-mail that my Molly Bear is going to be made this month and shipped to me no later than May 31! For those that don't know what a Molly Bear is: Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears for families suffering through baby loss. So, at the moment my Dayton bear is in production and will weigh 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton did.

The past few months I've done extremely well with the so-called "baby fever" and kind of pushing that feeling away and dealing with and focusing on my family and loss more. But, the past couple of weeks I've once again been punched in the face with baby-fever. I know so many people who are pregnant right now, and see so many posts/pictures on Facebook about babies/pregnancy. For those of you reading who are pregnant and post the updates or pictures, please don't take this the wrong way or feel bad. I have the option to hide your posts, pictures, and updates but I choose not to because I do like to know that your pregnancies are going well, and I do pray for each of your pregnancies to continue going well. Don't ever feel bad for being pregnant...enjoy every minute of it and take tons of pictures to remember these days with. I've just had days lately that are extremely hard because my pregnancy was normal and everything was great and Dayton was growing right on schedule and healthy, but I don't have him here with me and I still don't understand why and never will. So, I just ask that you please be considerate of my loss and understand that I will have my days where it's difficult for me to handle your happiness and pregnancy.
Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day where mother's spend the day with their kids, or get cute handmade gifts. But for some of us it's a difficult day because one or more of our children can't be here with us. And no matter what we do or how hard we try to be happy and enjoy the day, all we can think about is how badly we want all of our children to be present. So today on Bereaved Mother's Day I remember my baby Dayton and celebrate his short life. Even though he never took a breath of air, he lived inside of me for 37 weeks and I will forever be his mother. People who see me out with Davin always assume that he is an only child, but he is a big brother and I am a mother to 2 amazingly handsome boys!

I have my bad days, but I also have good ones. I have gotten stronger, but at times I am still weak. I've been knocked down but I always get back up. I have been through every parent's worst nightmare but I am still standing. I choose to continue living my life and sharing my story in the hopes that I can help others and shine some light on baby loss so that it isn't such a taboo subject anymore. Carrie Underwood's See You Again says it perfectly "Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on cause I know I will see you again, This is not where it ends, I will carry you with me til I see you again."

Easter

I don't have the time or the energy to get on here and write like I used to...or like I would like to. Davin is in tee ball now and we're busy with that at least 2 nights a week. Other nights I'm either tired or stressed and just want to relax and watch TV, or sometimes Davin makes me play the wii with him.

Last Easter was pretty miserable. It was supposed to be the first holiday that I would have gotten to dress up and show Dayton off, so I was pretty depressed and upset all day. I cried through just about the whole church sermon last year. We have just started going back to church. I've enjoyed it, but I'm sure we may try a few others before we decide on the one that's for us. It's hard when Jason and I were brought up in churches that are completely different in so many ways. But, I know we will find one that we both feel comfortable at!

This was Davin's Easter outfit! He helped me pick it out and he loved it. Davin is such a sweetheart, and he makes me so proud and happy every day! While we were at church on Sunday he took some paper and things to write with. He found the prayer card and asked if he could fill it out. He knew where it said "Name" that he was to write his name, and he did. Then he asked what the top said and what he was supposed to write. I told him it was a prayer card and he was supposed to write what he would like the church to pray about. His response......Dayton! So, that's what he wrote. We didn't know that at the end of church someone stood up and read the prayer cards; so at the end of church the man who read them said "And Davin would like for us to pray for Dayton." Davin was so excited and I had to hold the tears back! Davin is such a good big brother and always thinks of Dayton!

1st Birthday

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I wanted to share my day and a few pictures. Today we went to the cemetery and decorated Dayton's place for his birthday tomorrow. I can't believe that in just a little over 4 hours my baby will be 1 year old. I remember being in the hospital bed at this exact time last year hoping and praying that everything was OK. I wish he was here so we could throw him a big 1st birthday party, but I'm positive he is having the biggest and best 1st birthday in Heaven.

These are Dayton's birthday decorations!

And Davin wouldn't take a picture by himself, so his cousins Cason and Blair got in the picture with him. Davin picked out the alligator for Dayton, but wanted one too so they could have matching toys.

And this is my Origami Owl locket that my sisters bought for me in remembrance of Dayton. It's perfect, and I love it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAYTON! MOMMY, DADDY AND DAVIN LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!

Time flies

A lot has changed in a year. This time last year I was 35 weeks pregnant. I was anxious for the coming weeks, happy, excited, and HUGE! And most of all ready to meet Dayton...and especially for Davin to meet Dayton. He was just as excited as all of us!

Fast forward to this year and it's the exact opposite. I'm dreading the coming weeks, depressed, sad, mad, and missing Dayton like crazy.

I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with Dayton and have continued writing in it since his passing. I've been skimming through it a little tonight and this is the last entry I wrote while I was pregnant.
Tuesday January 31, 2012
35 weeks   178 lbs
"Not too much longer until we get to meet you! We are all so excited! I haven't had many cravings lately, but still eating a lot. I'm betting you're going to be a big boy. My feet have been swelling a lot lately, and I just hope my blood pressure doesn't get high like it did with Davin. Our next appointment is Tuesday February 14 so we will see!"

I just knew he was going to be a Valentine baby. I got induced with Davin the day of my 37 week appointment and February 14 would have been my 37 week appointment with Dayton. I still can't believe in 2 weeks will be Dayton's 1st birthday. How is it possible that a year has gone by? I still remember those 4 days like it was yesterday....

I'm so stressed trying to get Davin's party ready for this Sunday, and I'm also trying to figure out what I want to do for Dayton's birthday. Unfortunately, with me having to miss 2 days of work earlier this month with Davin having pneumonia, I will have to go to work on Dayton's birthday. I just hope I can mostly hold it together, but I will allow myself a few melt downs. I plan on going to visit him on the 10th, the day before his birthday and take him some new flowers and stuffed animals and I will let Davin send him some balloons! It's crazy how fast time passes you by.....

Eliminating the DRAMA

This is my first "private" post. I hate that I had to make my blog invite only, but when Jason and I started getting texts and calls saying that I'm bashing his family or lashing out at them....something had to give. All I ever tried to do was get them to cut me a little slack and understand my feelings as to why I couldn't be around for Christmas. Not only was it supposed to be Dayton's first Christmas so of course I was pretty sad, but I knew I couldn't hold it together and watch my sister in law who was 30 weeks (I was 30 weeks with Dayton last Christmas) open baby gifts. So, in order to keep my words from getting twisted around any more and to eliminate the drama....my blog will be invite only for a little while.

On another note, when it rains it pours!! We recently just bought a new washer and dryer because we thought our old washer was leaking. Well, come to find out it wasn't the washer...it is our drain pipe behind the washer and it's been doing it for quite some time! So, we bought a new washer and dryer for nothing, and now have to pay for a plumber to come out to fix the drain pipe. Then, this weekend Davin gets sick with pneumonia and I had to pay for a Dr visit, X-rays, and medication. He is supposed to stay out of school until Thursday so I had to stay home with him and miss work Monday and Tuesday. I've scheduled Davin's birthday party for February 3 and now I'm freaking out because all of these unexpected bills have popped up....and I still have to pay for things for his party!! And, I was really wanting to have Dayton's headstone picked out and paid for before his 1st birthday but I really don't see that happening now. Ugh, it's so frustrating! But, I know everything will work out and somehow everything will get done and paid for.

Christmas and New Year's

I don't really have much to write, or even know what to write. Christmas was rough. I spent entirely too much money on Davin, but shopping and buying things for him was really the only thing that kept my mind busy. I wanted him to have a great Christmas because I knew that was one thing that could make me happy for Christmas. The in-laws were not happy at all about Davin and I not being at their Christmas, and of course I was made out to be the horrible person because I'm keeping him from them. But honestly, they were the ones that didn't say good-bye to him the last time they were in, they were the ones that said they weren't going to any more soccer games of HIS because I didn't talk to them...and how extremely selfish of them to be mad because I chose to keep Davin at home with me on Christmas Eve rather than me be by myself crying my eyes out missing both of my boys!! No matter what they think, my main reason of keeping Davin with me Christmas Eve was so I wouldn't be alone and so we could have a great night getting ready for Santa....and we did! We sprinkled Reindeer food in the front yard and later left out some carrots for the reindeer. We watched Christmas movies and made snowmen sugar cookies especially for Santa! And as it was getting close to bed time we tracked Santa on Google to see where he had been, where he was headed, and when he was getting close to us. We had a blast, and I had a smile on my face all night!

We decorated Dayton's place earlier in December, I am just now sharing it here. We took him a Christmas tree and a stuffed bear that said "Baby's 1st Christmas". Today, my dad sent me a text saying that him, my oldest sister and her 2 boys went to the cemetery. They took him another teddy bear that said "Christmas 2012" on it. I had no idea they were going or had gotten him a bear and it made me so happy! This picture is after we decorated earlier in December and of Davin with his baby brother's decorations.

Unfortunately, baby fever has crept back up on me and I'm trying so hard to push it away again. It's making me irritable because I don't want to talk about it. I know where Jason stands, so I don't want to talk to him about it because then I will get depressed and upset and mad when I hear his thoughts. Davin completely took me by surprise today at Target....we heard a very new baby crying and he asked what that sound was. I told him it was a tiny baby and he was probably hungry. Out of nowhere Davin says "I wish we had a baby at our house. Not just a baby in Heaven, but a baby living with us at our house." I didn't know what to say so I just said "I do too baby." I almost started crying but I managed to hold it together.

It's now a new year. Not quite sure what this year will bring me, but I hope it is a lot more kind to me than 2012. I know the first couple of months of 2013 will be rough. All of January I will be anxious of how quick February will be approaching. And in February I have to plan a birthday party for Davin, and then February 11 will be here in the blink of an eye. I don't know if I'm going to take off on Dayton's birthday or try and work. I really wish that I was anxious and excited to plan a 1st birthday party. I remember Davin's 1st birthday and wish that I could be with Dayton on his 1st birthday as well.