Time flies

A lot has changed in a year. This time last year I was 35 weeks pregnant. I was anxious for the coming weeks, happy, excited, and HUGE! And most of all ready to meet Dayton...and especially for Davin to meet Dayton. He was just as excited as all of us!

Fast forward to this year and it's the exact opposite. I'm dreading the coming weeks, depressed, sad, mad, and missing Dayton like crazy.

I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with Dayton and have continued writing in it since his passing. I've been skimming through it a little tonight and this is the last entry I wrote while I was pregnant.
Tuesday January 31, 2012
35 weeks   178 lbs
"Not too much longer until we get to meet you! We are all so excited! I haven't had many cravings lately, but still eating a lot. I'm betting you're going to be a big boy. My feet have been swelling a lot lately, and I just hope my blood pressure doesn't get high like it did with Davin. Our next appointment is Tuesday February 14 so we will see!"

I just knew he was going to be a Valentine baby. I got induced with Davin the day of my 37 week appointment and February 14 would have been my 37 week appointment with Dayton. I still can't believe in 2 weeks will be Dayton's 1st birthday. How is it possible that a year has gone by? I still remember those 4 days like it was yesterday....

I'm so stressed trying to get Davin's party ready for this Sunday, and I'm also trying to figure out what I want to do for Dayton's birthday. Unfortunately, with me having to miss 2 days of work earlier this month with Davin having pneumonia, I will have to go to work on Dayton's birthday. I just hope I can mostly hold it together, but I will allow myself a few melt downs. I plan on going to visit him on the 10th, the day before his birthday and take him some new flowers and stuffed animals and I will let Davin send him some balloons! It's crazy how fast time passes you by.....

Eliminating the DRAMA

This is my first "private" post. I hate that I had to make my blog invite only, but when Jason and I started getting texts and calls saying that I'm bashing his family or lashing out at them....something had to give. All I ever tried to do was get them to cut me a little slack and understand my feelings as to why I couldn't be around for Christmas. Not only was it supposed to be Dayton's first Christmas so of course I was pretty sad, but I knew I couldn't hold it together and watch my sister in law who was 30 weeks (I was 30 weeks with Dayton last Christmas) open baby gifts. So, in order to keep my words from getting twisted around any more and to eliminate the drama....my blog will be invite only for a little while.

On another note, when it rains it pours!! We recently just bought a new washer and dryer because we thought our old washer was leaking. Well, come to find out it wasn't the washer...it is our drain pipe behind the washer and it's been doing it for quite some time! So, we bought a new washer and dryer for nothing, and now have to pay for a plumber to come out to fix the drain pipe. Then, this weekend Davin gets sick with pneumonia and I had to pay for a Dr visit, X-rays, and medication. He is supposed to stay out of school until Thursday so I had to stay home with him and miss work Monday and Tuesday. I've scheduled Davin's birthday party for February 3 and now I'm freaking out because all of these unexpected bills have popped up....and I still have to pay for things for his party!! And, I was really wanting to have Dayton's headstone picked out and paid for before his 1st birthday but I really don't see that happening now. Ugh, it's so frustrating! But, I know everything will work out and somehow everything will get done and paid for.

Christmas and New Year's

I don't really have much to write, or even know what to write. Christmas was rough. I spent entirely too much money on Davin, but shopping and buying things for him was really the only thing that kept my mind busy. I wanted him to have a great Christmas because I knew that was one thing that could make me happy for Christmas. The in-laws were not happy at all about Davin and I not being at their Christmas, and of course I was made out to be the horrible person because I'm keeping him from them. But honestly, they were the ones that didn't say good-bye to him the last time they were in, they were the ones that said they weren't going to any more soccer games of HIS because I didn't talk to them...and how extremely selfish of them to be mad because I chose to keep Davin at home with me on Christmas Eve rather than me be by myself crying my eyes out missing both of my boys!! No matter what they think, my main reason of keeping Davin with me Christmas Eve was so I wouldn't be alone and so we could have a great night getting ready for Santa....and we did! We sprinkled Reindeer food in the front yard and later left out some carrots for the reindeer. We watched Christmas movies and made snowmen sugar cookies especially for Santa! And as it was getting close to bed time we tracked Santa on Google to see where he had been, where he was headed, and when he was getting close to us. We had a blast, and I had a smile on my face all night!

We decorated Dayton's place earlier in December, I am just now sharing it here. We took him a Christmas tree and a stuffed bear that said "Baby's 1st Christmas". Today, my dad sent me a text saying that him, my oldest sister and her 2 boys went to the cemetery. They took him another teddy bear that said "Christmas 2012" on it. I had no idea they were going or had gotten him a bear and it made me so happy! This picture is after we decorated earlier in December and of Davin with his baby brother's decorations.

Unfortunately, baby fever has crept back up on me and I'm trying so hard to push it away again. It's making me irritable because I don't want to talk about it. I know where Jason stands, so I don't want to talk to him about it because then I will get depressed and upset and mad when I hear his thoughts. Davin completely took me by surprise today at Target....we heard a very new baby crying and he asked what that sound was. I told him it was a tiny baby and he was probably hungry. Out of nowhere Davin says "I wish we had a baby at our house. Not just a baby in Heaven, but a baby living with us at our house." I didn't know what to say so I just said "I do too baby." I almost started crying but I managed to hold it together.

It's now a new year. Not quite sure what this year will bring me, but I hope it is a lot more kind to me than 2012. I know the first couple of months of 2013 will be rough. All of January I will be anxious of how quick February will be approaching. And in February I have to plan a birthday party for Davin, and then February 11 will be here in the blink of an eye. I don't know if I'm going to take off on Dayton's birthday or try and work. I really wish that I was anxious and excited to plan a 1st birthday party. I remember Davin's 1st birthday and wish that I could be with Dayton on his 1st birthday as well.