Living With Regrets...

I've wanted to write a new blog for quite a while now, but I just haven't really known what to write about. I've been in this weird funk where I just don't know exactly what I've been feeling. I've mostly been thinking about my "regrets" I guess you would call them. Looking back now there are so many things I wish I would have done differently.

1) I wish I would have gone to the ER right after I had tripped. Even though I didn't fall on my stomach, and even though my Dr said my fall wouldn't have caused Dayton's death and to not blame myself I still can't help but wonder WHAT IF, and blame myself. He was inside me and the only job I had to do was carry him, protect him, and keep my body healthy for him to have a safe place for 9 months....and I feel as if my body failed; failed Dayton and failed me. And what if I would have gone to the ER immediately? Would the outcome be different?

2) I wish I would have held Dayton longer. I was confused and unsure of how to handle the situation. I didn't know if I held him too long if he would start to get cold or change somehow and I didn't want to see that. But, now I just wish I would have taken in more. Looked at his little feet more, held his hands a little longer, kissed his cheeks and forehead a few more times.

3) I wish I would have had Davin come to the hospital. Even if it was just for a minute to hold Dayton and get a few pictures. I feel so horrible that Davin never got to hold his baby brother. I'm glad Davin was old enough to where he somewhat understood a little. He sees pictures of me pregnant with Dayton and pictures of Dayton and remembers and knows all about him. I love it when he draws pictures of Dayton in the clouds or talks about Dayton.

4) At times I wish I wouldn't have done the autopsy. The reason I wanted it done was because I wanted to know what had happened and if it was something that could affect a future pregnancy. However, the autopsy came back with nothing. No explanation, no reason. So, I feel bad sometimes that I had that procedure done to my baby.
I still just don't understand how there can be no reason, no explanation. According to the Dr and the autopsy results he was perfectly healthy and growing on schedule...his heart just stopped. My Dr said he didn't know what to say except it was basically like a case of SIDS that just happened inside the womb instead of later on. It sucks badly and terrifies me that that's the only reason I have....his heart just stopped. I'm scared something like that could happen again, but to Davin or a possible future pregnancy.

Like I said, my feelings lately have just been real confusing and kind of all over the place. The only thing I know for sure is that I am missing Dayton like crazy. I want to just hold him, snuggle him, smell him, and kiss him!

Oh how I wish I could rub those little feet and have those little hands hold my fingers!! Mommy loves you so much Dayton Asher.