Sometimes you need it, sometimes you want it, other times you dread it. Today was not a day that I wanted silence. I might have needed it, and I may be grateful for it later, but right now I am not enjoying it. Davin is at school, Jason is in Houston (the last time he was in Houston I was pregnant with Dayton), my dad is not coming up until later this evening, and I have the day off with nothing to do and nothing to watch on TV. I have been reading blogs, websites, listening to music, and crying. I miss Dayton every day and think of him every day, but today is one of those rough days. One of those days where you don't need to be in silence. One of those days where everything I read, everything I hear, everything I see reminds me of Dayton and reminds me that he is not physically here with me.
Silence also has me irritable today, well I guess it's not really the silence that has me irritable but rather Facebook. Is everyone on my friends list pregnant? Or trying to get pregnant? Or just delivered a healthy baby that they get to take home? Probably not everyone on my friends list, but there is a good handful that fall into those 3 categories. It's not that I'm not happy for them because I am. I hope the people trying to become pregnant get their wish. I hope the people that are pregnant go full term and deliver a healthy baby. And I hope the people that just delivered their baby continue to have a healthy baby. I would never want or wish for anyone to have to go through what me and my family have with losing Dayton. But every time I see those ecstatic posts or pictures I can't help but wonder "why me." Why me? Why my baby? There will never be an answer to why, and even if there was it wouldn't make this journey any easier.....
Hi I found you from the sisterhood. It is really hard to see our friend and family have healthy babies while ours are in Heaven. My SIL delivered her baby boy that would of been a few weeks older than my son in Heaven. I will see him grow up for the rest of my life. The only word that comes to mind is bittersweet. It looks like you just started blogging when Dayton went to Heaven, I started my blog when our Jonathan went to Heaven on 1-24-12. Saying a prayer for you broken heart right now.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is very hard to see other people with babies that would be so close to Dayton in age. All of my nieces and nephews are older but we do have a few friends that had their babies within just a week-2 weeks after Dayton and it's tough. You see them and their size and what they just learned to do and it just makes you sad that you aren't there to see your baby grow and learn these things. I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with Dayton and continued writing in it a little after he passed. But, I thought it might help me a little more for people to read my thoughts and maybe I could help someone also.
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