Some people are stupid!

I just got back from the clinic. I had to go and start all my paperwork, do blood work, and all that other fun stuff to get my birth control. I dread this place, and I was dreading having to do all the tests....peeing in a cup, blood work, and blood pressure, because it just reminds me of being pregnant and having to do all that every month! I was expecting to have a rough time, but I was not expecting to have a not so enjoyable experience with the LVN. She made me want to yell at her and punch her in the throat!
Here's how our conversations pretty much went:

LVN: "How many pregnancies have you had?"
ME: "3"
LVN: "How many living children?"
ME: "1"
LVN: "Ok, so what happened with the other 2? Miscarriage?"
ME: "One miscarriage, one stillbirth."
LVN: "Ok, so you've only gone through one delivery?"
ME: "No, I've gone through 2. My youngest was stillborn at 37 weeks so I delivered him also." (I started slightly crying here)
LVN: "What are the dates of the miscarriage and stillbirth?"
ME: "Miscarriage was May 2, 2011; and stillbirth was Feb. 11, 2012."
LVN: "Oh wow that's still pretty fresh and recent, no wonder you're still upset about it."
(I start crying a little harder here because I start getting mad)
"They always say everything happens for a reason, or there was a problem or something wrong with the fetus. Give it some more time and you'll get over it."

I kept my mouth shut but here's what I was yelling at her in my head:
"Yes, it is still recent and I am still upset about it....and I will be for the rest of my life! Everything happens for a reason? Really? Enlighten me as to what this reason could possibly be that could make me feel better. Something was wrong with the fetus? First of all, he was 37 weeks and bigger than a lot of newborns....he was a baby, not a fetus! And give it time?? Are you serious? Give it time and I will get over my baby dying? Wow, maybe you shouldn't be a nurse because you're pretty stupid!"

Being Angry

I haven't been doing so well lately. I've had a lot going through my mind, my moods go from ok to pissed in a split second. I'm constantly in a daze or just ignoring everything around me. I've been through the sad, crying, depressed stage and it still visits me every now and again, but lately I've just been mad. Sometimes I don't know why, I'm just mad and irritable and nothing is going the way I want it to! I have no patience, I snap at Jason, I snap at Davin. I hate it....I would much rather be crying! This whole time I've heard others say that they've been mad at God and yelled at him and just let it all out. I've been mad, but I never was really mad at God. Well, today I was. Today I had my first little "outburst" and yelled at Him. I got a lot off my chest, and I felt better for at least a few minutes afterward.

I've got a lot I'm trying to deal with right now. A lot more than most people can handle! I'm trying to get stuff off my chest, but there's some things I feel like I need to keep to myself. I don't want people to think I'm being rude, or bitter or whatever. But at the same time, I wish they could walk in my shoes for just one day so they can see, feel, and know what I'm going through and feeling.

There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements lately....it seems like they never end. All of these announcements though are extremely hard for me, because the due dates are all close to Dayton's. So, more people on Facebook are hidden so I don't have to see their sonogram pictures, growing belly pictures, gender announcements and so on. I'm really not mad/upset at people for being pregnant, I know it may seem that way but I'm really not. I don't expect the whole world to just put aside what they want because of me and my issues. I know what it feels like to want a baby, and I'm happy for the people that are getting pregnant and will soon have a baby in their arms! I've unhidden a lot of my friends that recently had babies or are farther along in their pregnancy....but the ones that are just announcing and are 7-9 weeks right now, that's hard. Last year this time, I was 8 weeks. Dayton was due March 8th. So, all the women that are due around then, their pregnancy will go along with the same time frame mine was last year and I just can't deal with that.

I'm trying. I really am. I want to have good days, but right now I'm having a hard time. This is the first time in the past 5 months (well except for the first few weeks) that a bad day or bad moment has stuck around for multiple days.... So, please excuse my quietness (more than normal), my moodiness, my not congratulating you and being ecstatic, my not really wanting to hang out and do stuff, and whatever else.

5 months

Today is the 11th, which means another month has gone by. Five months have gone by. This morning was rough. I was off, but didn't want to get out of bed. Davin had a field trip at daycare this morning though so he needed to be there by 8:30. I got up and got both of us dressed, took him to get some doughnut holes, and then dropped him off at daycare. Then, I came home and went back to bed. I really wanted to get up and go to Dayton's grave site today, but Jason drove my Tahoe to Dallas so I have been driving his truck all week. I didn't have enough gas to get out there and back, and I didn't really feel comfortable driving Jason's truck that far either. So, I went back to bed and tried to sleep most of the day away, and I did. I finally got up around 1pm, showered, put on make-up and fixed my hair. I decided to go to Wal-Mart and get a few things we needed. After Wal-Mart I came home and swept the floors, then mopped them, and vacuumed the rugs. After all that it was time to go get Davin. I was still feeling really bad for not going to Dayton's grave site today so I decided me and Davin would go get some balloons to send to him. We decided to get him 5 balloons since he would have been 5 months old today. Davin picked out 2 blue, 1 pink, 1 green, and 1 yellow! I let Davin draw pictures on 3 of them and then I wrote a quick note on the other 2, one from me and then one from Jason since he wasn't here to do it. Then we went outside and released them and watched them fly higher and higher until we couldn't see them any more.

Thankful

I am so thankful for Davin! I always have been, but after losing Dayton it has made me even more thankful for him. So many baby loss moms don't have any other living children, and others who struggle with infertility or other medical issues may never get the chance to experience pregnancy, labor, and have their own child. I'm thankful for Dayton too. No, he's not here with me like I wish he was, but I got to have him for 36 weeks. I got to see my belly get bigger; I got to wear maternity clothes; I got to feel him move, and I got to find out he was a boy; I got to go through labor with him and hold him. So many women didn't get to experience those things before they lost their child. So I'm thankful for Dayton and the time and memories I did get to share with him!

Going back to Davin....I'm trying to write down everything he says about Dayton so I won't forget. Tonight we were all sitting on the couch watching TV and out of the blue Davin asks if Dayton was dead. I replied with "yes baby he is." He went back to playing with his stuffed animals and then a few minutes later said "I want another baby to be in your tummy." He sure does know how to make me tear up! I was trying not to cry and just smiled at him. Then he went back to playing again. Then a couple more minutes he saw clouds on my computer background and he asked if they were clouds. I said yes baby, and he said "Dayton lives in the clouds." I smiled again and said yes he sure does live in the clouds! He then said "Dayton is an angel and he lives in the clouds, does he live in a castle?" I said sure I bet he does live in a castle! And Davin replied with "Yes, he lives in a castle. When we become angels we're going to live in the clouds in the castle too."

I love that Davin thinks and talks about Dayton. It makes me so sad that I can't really make him understand why Dayton isn't here with us. But I don't want him to ever forget that he is a big brother. He has a baby brother in Heaven and I want him to always think about him, talk about him and everything! He even drew a picture of ALL of us today! It had clouds at the top with Dayton below the clouds and then me, Jason, and Davin at the bottom. I'm thankful for a lot of things, but I'm extremely thankful for the time I did have with Dayton, and for every day I have had and will have with Davin! And even though I cry when Davin says something about Dayton, I'm thankful that he's old enough that he does ask questions and bring him up because it makes me so happy to hear him say something about Dayton or draw a picture of him!

I thought of you

I thought of you Saturday morning when I woke up. I thought of you as your big brother asked about you and if you were still in my tummy. I cried as I reminded him that you were in Heaven watching over us. I thought of you that evening as I saw the 2 very pregnant girls walk up. I cried as your daddy was asking if I was ok because I wasn't....I'm not. I thought of you as the beautiful fireworks lit up the sky. I smiled as I thought about how you were probably watching them too, but had a much better seat!

It's not fair that I have to miss you instead of hold you in my arms. It's not fair that I have to look at pictures to see your sweet face, hands & feet. I did everything I could to make my body a safe and healthy place for you until you were ready to come into the world. I stayed active, I cut out caffeine, and tried not to eat too many sweets; I took my vitamins and drank lots of water. It's not fair that these women who drink alcohol and smoke their whole pregnancy give birth to healthy, breathing babies that they get to cuddle and spoil. It's not fair that Davin doesn't get to teach you how to count, or your ABC's, or make you laugh. He didn't even get to hold you. It's not fair that you can't be here with me, your daddy, and your big brother. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!