I don't really have much to write, or even know what to write. Christmas was rough. I spent entirely too much money on Davin, but shopping and buying things for him was really the only thing that kept my mind busy. I wanted him to have a great Christmas because I knew that was one thing that could make me happy for Christmas. The in-laws were not happy at all about Davin and I not being at their Christmas, and of course I was made out to be the horrible person because I'm keeping him from them. But honestly, they were the ones that didn't say good-bye to him the last time they were in, they were the ones that said they weren't going to any more soccer games of HIS because I didn't talk to them...and how extremely selfish of them to be mad because I chose to keep Davin at home with me on Christmas Eve rather than me be by myself crying my eyes out missing both of my boys!! No matter what they think, my main reason of keeping Davin with me Christmas Eve was so I wouldn't be alone and so we could have a great night getting ready for Santa....and we did! We sprinkled Reindeer food in the front yard and later left out some carrots for the reindeer. We watched Christmas movies and made snowmen sugar cookies especially for Santa! And as it was getting close to bed time we tracked Santa on Google to see where he had been, where he was headed, and when he was getting close to us. We had a blast, and I had a smile on my face all night!
We decorated Dayton's place earlier in December, I am just now sharing it here. We took him a Christmas tree and a stuffed bear that said "Baby's 1st Christmas". Today, my dad sent me a text saying that him, my oldest sister and her 2 boys went to the cemetery. They took him another teddy bear that said "Christmas 2012" on it. I had no idea they were going or had gotten him a bear and it made me so happy! This picture is after we decorated earlier in December and of Davin with his baby brother's decorations.
Unfortunately, baby fever has crept back up on me and I'm trying so hard to push it away again. It's making me irritable because I don't want to talk about it. I know where Jason stands, so I don't want to talk to him about it because then I will get depressed and upset and mad when I hear his thoughts. Davin completely took me by surprise today at Target....we heard a very new baby crying and he asked what that sound was. I told him it was a tiny baby and he was probably hungry. Out of nowhere Davin says "I wish we had a baby at our house. Not just a baby in Heaven, but a baby living with us at our house." I didn't know what to say so I just said "I do too baby." I almost started crying but I managed to hold it together.
It's now a new year. Not quite sure what this year will bring me, but I hope it is a lot more kind to me than 2012. I know the first couple of months of 2013 will be rough. All of January I will be anxious of how quick February will be approaching. And in February I have to plan a birthday party for Davin, and then February 11 will be here in the blink of an eye. I don't know if I'm going to take off on Dayton's birthday or try and work. I really wish that I was anxious and excited to plan a 1st birthday party. I remember Davin's 1st birthday and wish that I could be with Dayton on his 1st birthday as well.
I saw your posts and pics from Christmas eve and it made me smile cause I could tell y'all were having a great time together. I hate that they think the way they do. If they could only see thinks from your eyes maybe they would get it, or maybe not. I'm sorry for them but glad you had a wonderful Christmas with YOUR family.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Overall, it was a good Christmas. I wish Jason could have spent Christmas Eve with Davin and I but it was still a nice, relaxing, fun time for me and Davin. I did get a little sad here and there, but that was definitely expected. And yes, people are so quick to judge me about what I say or think or do but they have no idea how this feels because they can't even bear the thought of themselves in my shoes.
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