Christmas, New Year, and then Birthdays...

It's been a while. I've wanted to sit down and write a new entry for a couple months now, but just kept putting it off. I haven't wanted to cry and I almost always cry when I start writing, thinking, and remembering. I have cried over the last couple months, and quite a bit with all the holidays and everything, but it's different when it just comes over you almost out of nowhere instead of when you know it's going to come. So I guess since I know I will get sad and cry when writing I've put it off.
This past holiday season was a lot different from last year. Last year (2012) was all of the "firsts" so I mostly avoided anything to do with the holidays unless my oldest son was around and then I threw on the smiles. This year was just a mixture of so much that I confused myself. I've always loved Christmas...the lights, the decorations, the music, the busy stores with the crazy shoppers going nuts, everything! This Christmas I was excited again to see all the decorations and put ours up, but I was also sad and angry. Every time I wrapped a present for Davin all I could think was "What would Dayton like if he were here? What toys would I be wrapping for him?" So my emotions weren't all down and depressing this year, they were up and down constantly. I think I kind of expected this year's holidays to be a little easier, but in ways they were just as rough. I pulled my self together and went to all the family holiday dinners, but while there all I could do was hold back tears and act as if everything was fine.

It makes me really sad knowing that the only thing I can really do for Dayton, or buy for him is decorations for the cemetery. But, I do enjoy seeing it all fixed up with his little Christmas tree. I'm sure he would have loved everything about Christmas just like I do.
Christmas is over, a new year is here, and January is almost half over. And after January comes February....another month where my emotions go everywhere! For the first week of February I have to plan my oldest son's birthday party; he will be 7, and that's a little depressing for me too. Then, 6 days after his birthday my youngest son will be turning 2. Only once again I don't get to plan a party, buy presents, or watch him open gifts. And 3 days after Dayton's birthday is my birthday. I'm not sure how other baby loss mom's react on their own birthday's, but for me my birthday is just as rough as the other holidays. I don't know if it's because my birthday falls on Valentine's Day or if it's just because it irritates me that people are so happy and wishing me "Happy Birthday" just 3 days after my youngest son's birthday. But, just like every other day that I'm feeling sad I will have a smile on my face and no one will know how badly I want to cry and yell at them!

Living With Regrets...

I've wanted to write a new blog for quite a while now, but I just haven't really known what to write about. I've been in this weird funk where I just don't know exactly what I've been feeling. I've mostly been thinking about my "regrets" I guess you would call them. Looking back now there are so many things I wish I would have done differently.

1) I wish I would have gone to the ER right after I had tripped. Even though I didn't fall on my stomach, and even though my Dr said my fall wouldn't have caused Dayton's death and to not blame myself I still can't help but wonder WHAT IF, and blame myself. He was inside me and the only job I had to do was carry him, protect him, and keep my body healthy for him to have a safe place for 9 months....and I feel as if my body failed; failed Dayton and failed me. And what if I would have gone to the ER immediately? Would the outcome be different?

2) I wish I would have held Dayton longer. I was confused and unsure of how to handle the situation. I didn't know if I held him too long if he would start to get cold or change somehow and I didn't want to see that. But, now I just wish I would have taken in more. Looked at his little feet more, held his hands a little longer, kissed his cheeks and forehead a few more times.

3) I wish I would have had Davin come to the hospital. Even if it was just for a minute to hold Dayton and get a few pictures. I feel so horrible that Davin never got to hold his baby brother. I'm glad Davin was old enough to where he somewhat understood a little. He sees pictures of me pregnant with Dayton and pictures of Dayton and remembers and knows all about him. I love it when he draws pictures of Dayton in the clouds or talks about Dayton.

4) At times I wish I wouldn't have done the autopsy. The reason I wanted it done was because I wanted to know what had happened and if it was something that could affect a future pregnancy. However, the autopsy came back with nothing. No explanation, no reason. So, I feel bad sometimes that I had that procedure done to my baby.
I still just don't understand how there can be no reason, no explanation. According to the Dr and the autopsy results he was perfectly healthy and growing on schedule...his heart just stopped. My Dr said he didn't know what to say except it was basically like a case of SIDS that just happened inside the womb instead of later on. It sucks badly and terrifies me that that's the only reason I have....his heart just stopped. I'm scared something like that could happen again, but to Davin or a possible future pregnancy.

Like I said, my feelings lately have just been real confusing and kind of all over the place. The only thing I know for sure is that I am missing Dayton like crazy. I want to just hold him, snuggle him, smell him, and kiss him!

Oh how I wish I could rub those little feet and have those little hands hold my fingers!! Mommy loves you so much Dayton Asher.

Dayton's headstone

I didn't get to have a 1st birthday party for my baby with friends and family. I didn't get to have pictures of a baby with cake frosting everywhere. I didn't get to buy my baby new toys to unwrap and play with. Instead, for my baby's 1st birthday I ordered his headstone. I'm thankful for some caring friends that helped us to be able to order it sooner than we had originally expected, but having to buy a headstone for your child at any time is not something you ever want to experience. I could have waited and ordered it later, but seeing as how there really wasn't any thing else I could give Dayton for his birthday it seemed like the only suitable "gift" to get him. So, fast forward a few months and Dayton's headstone finally got finished and set. It's perfect, and exactly what we had hoped for. 

After the monument place had it set they gave me a call and thanked me for letting them do it because they had never done a train like that and they had really enjoyed getting to do something different. The train was the one thing that I knew for sure I wanted on there because his coming home outfit (which is what he was buried in) was a onesie with a train and a fleece train blanket. Davin was big into trains at that time so he was real excited for his baby brother to have train outfits and blankets. When we first went to see the headstone it was extremely hard to see Dayton's name and everything, but in a way it was also kind of healing. Now it just seems like it's not just another grave that just has flowers and stuffed animals for people to see as they walk by....now people can see his name and birthday and everything so I like that.

A little bit of Heaven in a box

I received a text Thursday evening stating that a much anticipated package would be shipped on Friday and that I could check my e-mail to track the package. I tracked the package over the weekend and it was scheduled to arrive on Monday. Today was the day. After anxiously waiting on a waiting list since April 2012 I finally received that special box on my doorstep. I knew the mail normally ran between noon and 2:00, so starting at noon I was constantly listening for the mail lady and checking my phone for the time. Around 1:00 there was a knock at the door and I knew it was my package. I opened the door and sure enough it was the mail! I looked down at that box and froze....it was finally here!! I picked it up and carried it inside; it was a lot heavier than I was expecting. I had imagined that when I received this box that I would open it immediately, but I just stared at it for the longest. I have been waiting 13 months for this!!!

My Dayton Bear made by the wonderful people at Molly Bears has finally arrived!!!

As I stated in my last post, Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears to help families who have suffered through child loss. My Dayton bear is 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton was when he was born. It felt so heavy lifting it up out of that box, but as soon as I laid it in my arms like a baby it felt absolutely perfect! I cried....a lot. It felt amazing to have that weight resting on my arms again.

Each bear is made unique so I had no idea what my Dayton bear would look like, but I absolutely adore it! It's perfect in every way. I like that's it's simple. Davin never got to hold Dayton, but today he got to hold our Dayton bear and feel what 7lbs and 4oz would have felt like. He definitely would have loved holding his baby brother!

Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is Bereaved Mother's Day. It sucks that this day had to be thought of because some mothers don't have any living children and aren't recognized as "Mother's" on the actual Mother's Day. You're a mom the moment you get pregnant, no matter how long the pregnancy lasts or the baby lives....you are always their mom. It's just hard for people who haven't been through a loss to understand the importance of being recognized as a mother to a baby who isn't on this Earth with you. Even though I do have a living child and am recognized as his mother on Mother's Day, today is a day in the baby loss community that I will be recognized as having another son, one who can't physically be here with me.
The roller-coaster they call grief has taken a sharp nose dive and dropped me back down a few levels.  I miss Dayton a lot, and the stress of other things are making my moods extreme. His headstone should be finished soon and I'm very anxious to see it and to put all of his stuffed animals back out there with him. It's taking a lot longer than they originally told me and I hate that all of his stuff is here at the house instead of with him. I also got an e-mail that my Molly Bear is going to be made this month and shipped to me no later than May 31! For those that don't know what a Molly Bear is: Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears for families suffering through baby loss. So, at the moment my Dayton bear is in production and will weigh 7lbs 4oz just like Dayton did.

The past few months I've done extremely well with the so-called "baby fever" and kind of pushing that feeling away and dealing with and focusing on my family and loss more. But, the past couple of weeks I've once again been punched in the face with baby-fever. I know so many people who are pregnant right now, and see so many posts/pictures on Facebook about babies/pregnancy. For those of you reading who are pregnant and post the updates or pictures, please don't take this the wrong way or feel bad. I have the option to hide your posts, pictures, and updates but I choose not to because I do like to know that your pregnancies are going well, and I do pray for each of your pregnancies to continue going well. Don't ever feel bad for being pregnant...enjoy every minute of it and take tons of pictures to remember these days with. I've just had days lately that are extremely hard because my pregnancy was normal and everything was great and Dayton was growing right on schedule and healthy, but I don't have him here with me and I still don't understand why and never will. So, I just ask that you please be considerate of my loss and understand that I will have my days where it's difficult for me to handle your happiness and pregnancy.
Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day where mother's spend the day with their kids, or get cute handmade gifts. But for some of us it's a difficult day because one or more of our children can't be here with us. And no matter what we do or how hard we try to be happy and enjoy the day, all we can think about is how badly we want all of our children to be present. So today on Bereaved Mother's Day I remember my baby Dayton and celebrate his short life. Even though he never took a breath of air, he lived inside of me for 37 weeks and I will forever be his mother. People who see me out with Davin always assume that he is an only child, but he is a big brother and I am a mother to 2 amazingly handsome boys!

I have my bad days, but I also have good ones. I have gotten stronger, but at times I am still weak. I've been knocked down but I always get back up. I have been through every parent's worst nightmare but I am still standing. I choose to continue living my life and sharing my story in the hopes that I can help others and shine some light on baby loss so that it isn't such a taboo subject anymore. Carrie Underwood's See You Again says it perfectly "Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on cause I know I will see you again, This is not where it ends, I will carry you with me til I see you again."

Easter

I don't have the time or the energy to get on here and write like I used to...or like I would like to. Davin is in tee ball now and we're busy with that at least 2 nights a week. Other nights I'm either tired or stressed and just want to relax and watch TV, or sometimes Davin makes me play the wii with him.

Last Easter was pretty miserable. It was supposed to be the first holiday that I would have gotten to dress up and show Dayton off, so I was pretty depressed and upset all day. I cried through just about the whole church sermon last year. We have just started going back to church. I've enjoyed it, but I'm sure we may try a few others before we decide on the one that's for us. It's hard when Jason and I were brought up in churches that are completely different in so many ways. But, I know we will find one that we both feel comfortable at!

This was Davin's Easter outfit! He helped me pick it out and he loved it. Davin is such a sweetheart, and he makes me so proud and happy every day! While we were at church on Sunday he took some paper and things to write with. He found the prayer card and asked if he could fill it out. He knew where it said "Name" that he was to write his name, and he did. Then he asked what the top said and what he was supposed to write. I told him it was a prayer card and he was supposed to write what he would like the church to pray about. His response......Dayton! So, that's what he wrote. We didn't know that at the end of church someone stood up and read the prayer cards; so at the end of church the man who read them said "And Davin would like for us to pray for Dayton." Davin was so excited and I had to hold the tears back! Davin is such a good big brother and always thinks of Dayton!

1st Birthday

I'm not really in the mood to write, but I wanted to share my day and a few pictures. Today we went to the cemetery and decorated Dayton's place for his birthday tomorrow. I can't believe that in just a little over 4 hours my baby will be 1 year old. I remember being in the hospital bed at this exact time last year hoping and praying that everything was OK. I wish he was here so we could throw him a big 1st birthday party, but I'm positive he is having the biggest and best 1st birthday in Heaven.

These are Dayton's birthday decorations!

And Davin wouldn't take a picture by himself, so his cousins Cason and Blair got in the picture with him. Davin picked out the alligator for Dayton, but wanted one too so they could have matching toys.

And this is my Origami Owl locket that my sisters bought for me in remembrance of Dayton. It's perfect, and I love it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAYTON! MOMMY, DADDY AND DAVIN LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!

Time flies

A lot has changed in a year. This time last year I was 35 weeks pregnant. I was anxious for the coming weeks, happy, excited, and HUGE! And most of all ready to meet Dayton...and especially for Davin to meet Dayton. He was just as excited as all of us!

Fast forward to this year and it's the exact opposite. I'm dreading the coming weeks, depressed, sad, mad, and missing Dayton like crazy.

I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with Dayton and have continued writing in it since his passing. I've been skimming through it a little tonight and this is the last entry I wrote while I was pregnant.
Tuesday January 31, 2012
35 weeks   178 lbs
"Not too much longer until we get to meet you! We are all so excited! I haven't had many cravings lately, but still eating a lot. I'm betting you're going to be a big boy. My feet have been swelling a lot lately, and I just hope my blood pressure doesn't get high like it did with Davin. Our next appointment is Tuesday February 14 so we will see!"

I just knew he was going to be a Valentine baby. I got induced with Davin the day of my 37 week appointment and February 14 would have been my 37 week appointment with Dayton. I still can't believe in 2 weeks will be Dayton's 1st birthday. How is it possible that a year has gone by? I still remember those 4 days like it was yesterday....

I'm so stressed trying to get Davin's party ready for this Sunday, and I'm also trying to figure out what I want to do for Dayton's birthday. Unfortunately, with me having to miss 2 days of work earlier this month with Davin having pneumonia, I will have to go to work on Dayton's birthday. I just hope I can mostly hold it together, but I will allow myself a few melt downs. I plan on going to visit him on the 10th, the day before his birthday and take him some new flowers and stuffed animals and I will let Davin send him some balloons! It's crazy how fast time passes you by.....

Eliminating the DRAMA

This is my first "private" post. I hate that I had to make my blog invite only, but when Jason and I started getting texts and calls saying that I'm bashing his family or lashing out at them....something had to give. All I ever tried to do was get them to cut me a little slack and understand my feelings as to why I couldn't be around for Christmas. Not only was it supposed to be Dayton's first Christmas so of course I was pretty sad, but I knew I couldn't hold it together and watch my sister in law who was 30 weeks (I was 30 weeks with Dayton last Christmas) open baby gifts. So, in order to keep my words from getting twisted around any more and to eliminate the drama....my blog will be invite only for a little while.

On another note, when it rains it pours!! We recently just bought a new washer and dryer because we thought our old washer was leaking. Well, come to find out it wasn't the washer...it is our drain pipe behind the washer and it's been doing it for quite some time! So, we bought a new washer and dryer for nothing, and now have to pay for a plumber to come out to fix the drain pipe. Then, this weekend Davin gets sick with pneumonia and I had to pay for a Dr visit, X-rays, and medication. He is supposed to stay out of school until Thursday so I had to stay home with him and miss work Monday and Tuesday. I've scheduled Davin's birthday party for February 3 and now I'm freaking out because all of these unexpected bills have popped up....and I still have to pay for things for his party!! And, I was really wanting to have Dayton's headstone picked out and paid for before his 1st birthday but I really don't see that happening now. Ugh, it's so frustrating! But, I know everything will work out and somehow everything will get done and paid for.

Christmas and New Year's

I don't really have much to write, or even know what to write. Christmas was rough. I spent entirely too much money on Davin, but shopping and buying things for him was really the only thing that kept my mind busy. I wanted him to have a great Christmas because I knew that was one thing that could make me happy for Christmas. The in-laws were not happy at all about Davin and I not being at their Christmas, and of course I was made out to be the horrible person because I'm keeping him from them. But honestly, they were the ones that didn't say good-bye to him the last time they were in, they were the ones that said they weren't going to any more soccer games of HIS because I didn't talk to them...and how extremely selfish of them to be mad because I chose to keep Davin at home with me on Christmas Eve rather than me be by myself crying my eyes out missing both of my boys!! No matter what they think, my main reason of keeping Davin with me Christmas Eve was so I wouldn't be alone and so we could have a great night getting ready for Santa....and we did! We sprinkled Reindeer food in the front yard and later left out some carrots for the reindeer. We watched Christmas movies and made snowmen sugar cookies especially for Santa! And as it was getting close to bed time we tracked Santa on Google to see where he had been, where he was headed, and when he was getting close to us. We had a blast, and I had a smile on my face all night!

We decorated Dayton's place earlier in December, I am just now sharing it here. We took him a Christmas tree and a stuffed bear that said "Baby's 1st Christmas". Today, my dad sent me a text saying that him, my oldest sister and her 2 boys went to the cemetery. They took him another teddy bear that said "Christmas 2012" on it. I had no idea they were going or had gotten him a bear and it made me so happy! This picture is after we decorated earlier in December and of Davin with his baby brother's decorations.

Unfortunately, baby fever has crept back up on me and I'm trying so hard to push it away again. It's making me irritable because I don't want to talk about it. I know where Jason stands, so I don't want to talk to him about it because then I will get depressed and upset and mad when I hear his thoughts. Davin completely took me by surprise today at Target....we heard a very new baby crying and he asked what that sound was. I told him it was a tiny baby and he was probably hungry. Out of nowhere Davin says "I wish we had a baby at our house. Not just a baby in Heaven, but a baby living with us at our house." I didn't know what to say so I just said "I do too baby." I almost started crying but I managed to hold it together.

It's now a new year. Not quite sure what this year will bring me, but I hope it is a lot more kind to me than 2012. I know the first couple of months of 2013 will be rough. All of January I will be anxious of how quick February will be approaching. And in February I have to plan a birthday party for Davin, and then February 11 will be here in the blink of an eye. I don't know if I'm going to take off on Dayton's birthday or try and work. I really wish that I was anxious and excited to plan a 1st birthday party. I remember Davin's 1st birthday and wish that I could be with Dayton on his 1st birthday as well.

Catching up

Since I haven't written a blog in quite some time, this one may be a little random and just kind of everywhere! The last blog was in October and I mentioned with October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month that I was going to get a tattoo of the Awareness ribbon for my baby and all the other babies gone too soon. Well here it is.....  I love it!!

Any-who....I've been super busy with work and trying to spend time with my family that I haven't really had the time to sit down and write on my blog. Also, I've had some things said to me that I needed a nice long "cool off" time before I decided to write again so I wouldn't put a few people on blast. I will share a little because I'm still pretty irritated and this is my place to vent and get things out...I will however leave out who these people are because the last thing I need is drama in my life and especially around the holidays.

So, I decided since I hadn't had any kind of contact (text, message, Facebook, face-to-face, anything) that I would write a letter and let these people know how I felt. I wasn't trying to be rude but explained how hurt I felt that there had been no contact. And one of them is pregnant and due March 6 (Dayton's due date was March 8) so I explained that with her pregnancy progressing at the exact same time frame mine was last year that it would be difficult for me to be around her and especially around the holidays. I also said that with all the awkwardness between all of us that I would not be present for the holidays. Well, here's some clips of the response I got....only from one of them though, because the other one never responded.

"I don't understand the anger at ______about the due date..as you said that wasn't planned"

I never said I was angry at her. I said I was hurt and it's going to be a difficult time for me to see someone celebrating a new baby while I am having to celebrate my baby's 1st birthday with him in Heaven and not here with us.

"I'm sorry you guys are hurt but how many times before Dayton died did you call and ask people how they were and how they felt?"

So, if we never called someone to see how they were before, then when our baby died that means they should be excused from asking how we are? 

"We will leave you alone until you want us in your life again..."

That was the whole point of the letter....you've already left me alone and not made any contact!

However, after that whole ordeal I did learn something. I learned that with a lot of friends and family I set my expectations of them too high.

The next subject that's been on my mind a lot lately is the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Every time I think of it I have to hold back tears. My oldest son Davin is 5 years old, will be 6 in less than 2 months, and in Kindergarten. 18 of the kids at Sandy Hook were 6 years old. They were Davin's age and size. Ever since Friday I have caught myself staring at him and thinking how terrified and confused a child his age and size must have been. What would have been going through their minds? And the ones who survived....can you imagine how terrified they are going to be to go back to school tomorrow? I can't imagine what you could say to make a child want to go back to school after witnessing those events. Yes, obviously for a while they will be in a different school, but still....What if something falls off the shelf, or something pops and makes a loud noise? It's going to take those kids immediately back to that day! I'm actually scared to take Davin to school tomorrow. Every morning I drive him up to the sidewalk, give him hugs & kisses, tell him to be good & listen to his teacher, and to have a good day and I will see him later. I'm sure that's what a lot of the Sandy Hook parents did Friday morning....and 20 of them didn't get to see their kids later. Schools are supposed to be safe. Parents are supposed to feel like their kids are safe while they are at school. I know that Davin's school keeps all the doors and gates locked once school begins, and I know all the staff would do anything to keep the kids safe.....but after hearing of someone shooting their way into an Elementary school and then going into classrooms and shooting teachers and kids, I'm sure millions of people are scared to send their children to school tomorrow. All I can do is pray for those families and hug and kiss Davin a lot more than usual. I hope you all will pray for those involved as well, and also hug and kiss your children a little more too!

A Week of Remembering

This past week was full of ups and downs. Last Thursday was the 11th.....8 months since holding my baby. Friday I took Dayton's memory book to work and shared it with one of the ladies I work with. I know it's eventually going to come up and I just don't want to catch everyone off guard because I don't want them to act awkward around me. Saturday evening was the 3rd annual Remembering Our Babies candle light vigil. It was a great night, a sad night, but it was nice to be around my friends that know what I'm going through. My mom went with me, Jason and Davin to the vigil. I'm very thankful that my mom is so supportive and does things with me to show me that she is grieving also. She lost a grandson and it is hard for her as well. She has text me every month on the 11th, and other days here and there when she is thinking of me or Dayton. She goes with me to the cemetery and posts inspirational sayings to my Facebook wall; she wears a "grandma to an angel" bracelet, and took part in the Wave of Light on October 15 and lit a candle for Dayton. I had quite a few friends, and my sister Janet take part in the Wave of Light also and post pictures to my Facebook. It was so nice to see the people who are still thinking of us and supporting us.
This is a picture of all the candles that were lit Saturday night in remembrance of the babies who left us too soon.

Here is a picture of the candles that Jason, Davin and I lit Monday night for Dayton.

Tuesday I came home for lunch and had a present hanging on the door waiting for me. 

Our amazing friends Chris & Tera had me a bracelet made with Dayton's name! I cried when I opened it and I love it so much!! I am so thankful for the friends & family that remember us and think of us, that listen to us and aren't tired of hearing us talk about Dayton, that don't get awkward around us, and support us by remembering Dayton as well. You all know who you are and we thank you, appreciate you, and love you! 

I got this shirt at the vigil Saturday night and I'm so excited to wear it to work Friday!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow Jason is supposed to tattoo the pregnancy and infant loss ribbon on me since October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month! Tomorrow evening is also the MEND meeting. I'm looking forward to getting to talk and remember Dayton once again. This week has been full of ups and downs but overall it's been a great week.....a great week of remembering my baby!

Ramblings of a tired and depressed mommy...

It's been a while since my last post. I wanted to take a short break, but I didn't intend on it being this long. Life just got busy and it hasn't slowed down yet. I would really like to be in bed right now but I'm forcing myself to at least get a little bit of my thoughts out.
I recently started a new job and it seems like I can't get anything done. I get up at 5:30am and get myself ready, wake Davin up at 6:50 and get him fed and dressed for school, leave by 7:20 so I can get him to school and me to work before 8. I get off at 5pm, pick Davin up from daycare around 5:15 and then head home.  Davin goes to bed by 8:30 so by the time we get home I have about 3 hours to spend with him, doing homework, playing, reading, or whatever else. But, I also have to mow the yard, grocery shop, cook dinner, wash dishes, put away dishes, wash clothes, put away clothes, and pick up everything around the house that just gets thrown around when we are too busy or lazy to put it away that moment! Now obviously I don't do all of those things every night, but every night there's something that needs done! I know there are tons of moms that work full time (or more) and have all this (or more) to do on a daily basis as well. I wanted a full-time job and I'm thankful I FINALLY got one. It's nice to actually have a little extra money just sitting in my bank account and not stressing because I have $5 and a bill coming up! The weekends are just as crazy too. First thing Saturday mornings we have soccer games and then I always have some kind of errands or cleaning to do. Sunday's are NORMALLY lazy, relaxing days....but they go by way to fast. I just haven't adjusted to my new schedule yet. I'm at that stage where I'm just stressed and tired. I'm missing getting to see Davin as much as I was used to and then there's so much going on that's making me miss Dayton as well.
Thursday is the 11th which will be 8 months since Dayton's passing. This Saturday is the candle light vigil dinner for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I'm extremely nervous, but excited to see some friends and meet a few new ones. Me and Jason both have our candle holders decorated and I'm going to decorate one for my mom and Davin to take as well. I plan on Davin wearing his "big brother" shirt for the first time also! Monday is the 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I'm really nervous about this Thursday the 11th and then Monday the 15th. I haven't really had the opportunity to mention my loss to anyone at work and I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. I want them to know, because I know I'm going to have my rough days, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or to not want to bring it up or talk about it because they see that it makes me sad.
The other day Davin and I went to Hobby Lobby looking for some Halloween ghosts to hang in our tree in the front yard. Well, they didn't have any and I haven't been able to find any so I'm not sure what kind of decorating we will do this year. While we were there we decided to browse through the Christmas aisles. BAD IDEA. Every single aisle (even the end caps) had "Baby's 1st Christmas" items. There were ornaments, stockings, bibs, booties, hats, picture frames and stuffed bears. I wanted to quickly turn around and leave, but I tortured myself and looked at every item....for quite a while.
I'm not ready for the holidays coming up. I see and hear all these people so excited about dressing up their baby for their 1st Halloween and I get so sad and jealous that I don't get to! And then all of the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stuff....I don't get to be excited about that either. I did however buy Dayton a small stocking that I will probably hang on the tree this year.

Well, now that I've written a little, cried a little, and gotten every one caught up on my hectic, stressful, sometimes depressed but blessed life.....I'm going to bed. 5:30am comes way too early!

No apologies

After my last blog I thought about giving up the whole public writing thing and just going back to using only my personal journal. Apparently, people get offended when you speak about how you feel. I'm not going to apologize. This is my blog and it is my space to get out my thoughts and feelings. If you don't like how I feel and what I write then don't read my blog. It's not here for you. What it is here for is:
1) To help me! To get my feelings and thoughts out so I don't explode trying to hold everything in.
 2) To hopefully help other baby loss moms who may at times feel the same as I do but can't or don't talk about it or express it.
And most importantly 3)For Dayton. I remember him and always will. Jason and Davin remember him and I know some of my family/friends will always remember him. But other family/friends....I'm tired of trying to "remind" you of him so he doesn't get forgotten.
Some of you reading this may think "how could I ever forget him?" Maybe you won't, but you don't let me know that! It has really surprised me at the people who have really taken the effort in the last (almost) 7 months to just let me know that they are thinking of Dayton as well as thinking of me! I cherish those people so much. How hard is it to send a text, post on my Facebook wall, send me a private message or e-mail just to say something like "I've had Dayton on my mind this morning, thinking of you."; "Hope you are doing well, hugs."; "Been thinking of you and praying." ?? With that said, once again I don't want my phone, messages, e-mail or whatever blowing up from people trying to cheer me up and bring me comfort. I know who can act normal around me, and can send me a simple sentence to make my day, and not be selfish about doing it or avoid doing it because it makes them feel awkward. I know who those people are....and it's people I never expected it from!
These are my feelings, my thoughts, my blog. I'm not going to sensor and sugar coat my thoughts and feelings to make other people happy or feel better or comfortable. If you don't like what I feel, then please don't read my blog anymore because that's what this whole blog is about: MY thoughts and MY feelings while trying to handle losing MY son!

New feelings

This past week has brought a lot of new feelings up. I want to move away and completely start over. New town, new jobs, new house, new friends, new everything. I don't want to try and run from my life, my loss, and try to forget Dayton. Because obviously that could never happen. But I do want to get away from the people (some family included) that can no longer act normal around me. It's like everyone is walking around on egg shells, whispering, just waiting for me to explode. Yes, my baby died and it sucks, but the silence and avoidance doesn't make it suck any less! It's like people think that the only thing I want to think or talk about is Dayton, but they don't want to bring it up because they don't want to upset me.....I would love to talk about Dayton to anyone that wants to, but I can talk about other things too. And the people I know that are pregnant avoid me like I have a contagious illness that will kill their baby too. It is tough at times to see pregnant people, especially the ones that are progressing at the same time my pregnancy was last year. Your worst nightmare about your unborn baby, is my reality....but I promise it's not contagious. So, the silence and avoidance doesn't make this any easier for me. And after writing this I really don't want people freaking out and texting me or messaging me, because obviously this isn't about everyone. I do have some friends/family left that still talk to me and hang out with me and make time for me and don't avoid me. Some of those people occasionally send me messages or write on my Facebook wall or leave me comments on my blogs and those small gestures make all the difference. I may not can move or get a new house or anything, or even get away from some family/friends. But there will be a few changes coming that will be best for me. So, out with the old.......

I've also realized it's hard to "fit in" with other baby loss moms. The only people I can really connect with are the ones whose stories are similar to mine. I listen to other people's stories and feel sad for them that they are traveling this road as well, but it's confusing. I don't want to sound insensitive because I don't want to come off that way at all but I just can't connect with the people that talk about miscarriages, or early stillbirths, or the women who have a reason. I know a reason wouldn't make it any easier, but a lot of times I just don't feel like I fit in. I was pretty much full term with Dayton, so he didn't have any issues from being born too early, and the autopsy results came back saying that everything was fine that there were no diseases, infections, or any other issues.... So, I guess this week I've realized I don't fit in like I used to with friends and family, but I don't quite fit in with all of the baby loss community either. Guess I will just stick by the people that I feel comfortable around and see how that goes.

Kindergarten blues

Tomorrow my oldest son starts kindergarten. I've never been a stay at home mom; he's gone to daycare since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm used to not having him with me during the day. But with daycare it was different. While he was at daycare if I wanted to keep him out and have a day with him I could. If I wanted to go pick him up after lunch I could. Now he will be in Kindergarten Monday-Friday 8am-3pm. No more keeping him home on days where I just need time with him, and no more picking him up early because I miss him. He's growing up....fast! 

I lost my youngest son Dayton 6 months ago, and now I feel like I'm losing Davin too. It's a different kind of loss though. With Davin it's just that he's growing up and becoming more independent. No longer Mommy's baby! Tomorrow is a huge milestone for Davin which will require lots of pictures! First day of Kindergarten! But it makes me sad to know that this is something that I won't get to experience with Dayton in 5 years....

Saturday

Saturday ending up being an OK day. Yes, it was sad, but I was able to make it a good, sad day....and not a bad, sad day. (If that makes any sense) With it being a Saturday I knew I couldn't just hide-a-way in bed all day because I had Davin. That morning we just stayed in our pajamas and watched cartoons. Then my mom text me and asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery with her. I'm glad she did because I was wanting to go all morning, but didn't really want it to just be me and Davin. So we got around and started getting dressed and ready to go. I know there's still a lot that Davin doesn't really understand, but I try to think of things for him to draw, make, or pick out at the store for Dayton. I bring Dayton up a lot because I want Davin to know it's OK to talk about Dayton and that even though we don't see Dayton, that Dayton sees all the things Davin makes or draws or the balloons he sends him! So this is the project we did for Dayton on Saturday and set on his grave site.

Then we went to the store to pick out some new, pretty flowers to take out there. I had picked out 3 or 4 different ones and couldn't make up my mind. So, I put them all back and asked Davin to pick them out. Of course he picked out one that wasn't one I had originally picked, but they were perfect! He called them rainbow flowers, and said that Dayton would like the rainbow flowers the best!

We also did balloons. Davin got a balloon and drew pictures and wrote his name, and my mom and I each got a balloon and wrote a little note on them. I counted to 3 and we let them go. Well, Davin was standing on his string so his got a delayed start. But then it quickly caught up with the other 2 and then it was as if Davin's balloon was the leader and the other 2 followed. They all 3 stayed together until we couldn't see them any more.

Not just another day

I wish today would last forever, but as always time is flying by. Tomorrow is coming quick. Tomorrow my baby would be 6 months old. I can't believe it's already been 6 months! Half of a year has gone by! How in the world is that possible? The first 6 months have been hard, but I'm thinking the next 6 are going to be even harder. And I know it's not going to stop being hard after the first year, I just know the first year has all of the "milestones" you look forward to that make it tough.

October has Halloween.....I had already planned on Dayton wearing Davin's 1st Halloween outfit because they would have been close to the same age on both their 1st Halloween's.

November has Thanksgiving, We don't do family get-together's very often, but Thanksgiving is one time that we do. It's going to be sad having everyone together, and missing my baby.

December has Christmas. It should be Dayton's first Christmas. I should be going crazy and stressing out trying to buy tons of toys for 2 kids! But instead, I will hang an ornament and an empty stocking and buy a headstone for my baby. And just like the month before it will include family get-together's. I've already been considering "skipping" Christmas this year. Not completely because I still have to do the decorations and presents for my oldest son, but there's just a few additional things going on that I don't think I really want to try and handle at Christmas this year.

Then there's January which will just be full of stress because I know February will be creeping up. I have to stay strong for Davin's birthday on February 5, and plan him something fun. Then, 6 days later will be my baby Dayton's 1st birthday in Heaven.

I know I should just try to go day to day and not worry about what's to come. But that's easier said than done. My days don't have a normal routine anymore. Some days I wake up and I'm happy and I have a good day. Some days I wake up mad and I just don't want to deal with anyone and just want to be alone and mad all day. And other days I wake up sad and I have a hard time getting up, and once I do I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

I'm not sure how I will be tomorrow, or what I'm going to do. I want to get some flowers and balloons and go to his grave site because I haven't been there since June, but I don't know if I will do it tomorrow. For most people tomorrow will just be another day. But for me, tomorrow won't just be another day. Tomorrow my baby Dayton will be 6 months old in Heaven.

Some people are stupid!

I just got back from the clinic. I had to go and start all my paperwork, do blood work, and all that other fun stuff to get my birth control. I dread this place, and I was dreading having to do all the tests....peeing in a cup, blood work, and blood pressure, because it just reminds me of being pregnant and having to do all that every month! I was expecting to have a rough time, but I was not expecting to have a not so enjoyable experience with the LVN. She made me want to yell at her and punch her in the throat!
Here's how our conversations pretty much went:

LVN: "How many pregnancies have you had?"
ME: "3"
LVN: "How many living children?"
ME: "1"
LVN: "Ok, so what happened with the other 2? Miscarriage?"
ME: "One miscarriage, one stillbirth."
LVN: "Ok, so you've only gone through one delivery?"
ME: "No, I've gone through 2. My youngest was stillborn at 37 weeks so I delivered him also." (I started slightly crying here)
LVN: "What are the dates of the miscarriage and stillbirth?"
ME: "Miscarriage was May 2, 2011; and stillbirth was Feb. 11, 2012."
LVN: "Oh wow that's still pretty fresh and recent, no wonder you're still upset about it."
(I start crying a little harder here because I start getting mad)
"They always say everything happens for a reason, or there was a problem or something wrong with the fetus. Give it some more time and you'll get over it."

I kept my mouth shut but here's what I was yelling at her in my head:
"Yes, it is still recent and I am still upset about it....and I will be for the rest of my life! Everything happens for a reason? Really? Enlighten me as to what this reason could possibly be that could make me feel better. Something was wrong with the fetus? First of all, he was 37 weeks and bigger than a lot of newborns....he was a baby, not a fetus! And give it time?? Are you serious? Give it time and I will get over my baby dying? Wow, maybe you shouldn't be a nurse because you're pretty stupid!"

Being Angry

I haven't been doing so well lately. I've had a lot going through my mind, my moods go from ok to pissed in a split second. I'm constantly in a daze or just ignoring everything around me. I've been through the sad, crying, depressed stage and it still visits me every now and again, but lately I've just been mad. Sometimes I don't know why, I'm just mad and irritable and nothing is going the way I want it to! I have no patience, I snap at Jason, I snap at Davin. I hate it....I would much rather be crying! This whole time I've heard others say that they've been mad at God and yelled at him and just let it all out. I've been mad, but I never was really mad at God. Well, today I was. Today I had my first little "outburst" and yelled at Him. I got a lot off my chest, and I felt better for at least a few minutes afterward.

I've got a lot I'm trying to deal with right now. A lot more than most people can handle! I'm trying to get stuff off my chest, but there's some things I feel like I need to keep to myself. I don't want people to think I'm being rude, or bitter or whatever. But at the same time, I wish they could walk in my shoes for just one day so they can see, feel, and know what I'm going through and feeling.

There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements lately....it seems like they never end. All of these announcements though are extremely hard for me, because the due dates are all close to Dayton's. So, more people on Facebook are hidden so I don't have to see their sonogram pictures, growing belly pictures, gender announcements and so on. I'm really not mad/upset at people for being pregnant, I know it may seem that way but I'm really not. I don't expect the whole world to just put aside what they want because of me and my issues. I know what it feels like to want a baby, and I'm happy for the people that are getting pregnant and will soon have a baby in their arms! I've unhidden a lot of my friends that recently had babies or are farther along in their pregnancy....but the ones that are just announcing and are 7-9 weeks right now, that's hard. Last year this time, I was 8 weeks. Dayton was due March 8th. So, all the women that are due around then, their pregnancy will go along with the same time frame mine was last year and I just can't deal with that.

I'm trying. I really am. I want to have good days, but right now I'm having a hard time. This is the first time in the past 5 months (well except for the first few weeks) that a bad day or bad moment has stuck around for multiple days.... So, please excuse my quietness (more than normal), my moodiness, my not congratulating you and being ecstatic, my not really wanting to hang out and do stuff, and whatever else.