Kindergarten blues

Tomorrow my oldest son starts kindergarten. I've never been a stay at home mom; he's gone to daycare since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm used to not having him with me during the day. But with daycare it was different. While he was at daycare if I wanted to keep him out and have a day with him I could. If I wanted to go pick him up after lunch I could. Now he will be in Kindergarten Monday-Friday 8am-3pm. No more keeping him home on days where I just need time with him, and no more picking him up early because I miss him. He's growing up....fast! 

I lost my youngest son Dayton 6 months ago, and now I feel like I'm losing Davin too. It's a different kind of loss though. With Davin it's just that he's growing up and becoming more independent. No longer Mommy's baby! Tomorrow is a huge milestone for Davin which will require lots of pictures! First day of Kindergarten! But it makes me sad to know that this is something that I won't get to experience with Dayton in 5 years....

Saturday

Saturday ending up being an OK day. Yes, it was sad, but I was able to make it a good, sad day....and not a bad, sad day. (If that makes any sense) With it being a Saturday I knew I couldn't just hide-a-way in bed all day because I had Davin. That morning we just stayed in our pajamas and watched cartoons. Then my mom text me and asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery with her. I'm glad she did because I was wanting to go all morning, but didn't really want it to just be me and Davin. So we got around and started getting dressed and ready to go. I know there's still a lot that Davin doesn't really understand, but I try to think of things for him to draw, make, or pick out at the store for Dayton. I bring Dayton up a lot because I want Davin to know it's OK to talk about Dayton and that even though we don't see Dayton, that Dayton sees all the things Davin makes or draws or the balloons he sends him! So this is the project we did for Dayton on Saturday and set on his grave site.

Then we went to the store to pick out some new, pretty flowers to take out there. I had picked out 3 or 4 different ones and couldn't make up my mind. So, I put them all back and asked Davin to pick them out. Of course he picked out one that wasn't one I had originally picked, but they were perfect! He called them rainbow flowers, and said that Dayton would like the rainbow flowers the best!

We also did balloons. Davin got a balloon and drew pictures and wrote his name, and my mom and I each got a balloon and wrote a little note on them. I counted to 3 and we let them go. Well, Davin was standing on his string so his got a delayed start. But then it quickly caught up with the other 2 and then it was as if Davin's balloon was the leader and the other 2 followed. They all 3 stayed together until we couldn't see them any more.

Not just another day

I wish today would last forever, but as always time is flying by. Tomorrow is coming quick. Tomorrow my baby would be 6 months old. I can't believe it's already been 6 months! Half of a year has gone by! How in the world is that possible? The first 6 months have been hard, but I'm thinking the next 6 are going to be even harder. And I know it's not going to stop being hard after the first year, I just know the first year has all of the "milestones" you look forward to that make it tough.

October has Halloween.....I had already planned on Dayton wearing Davin's 1st Halloween outfit because they would have been close to the same age on both their 1st Halloween's.

November has Thanksgiving, We don't do family get-together's very often, but Thanksgiving is one time that we do. It's going to be sad having everyone together, and missing my baby.

December has Christmas. It should be Dayton's first Christmas. I should be going crazy and stressing out trying to buy tons of toys for 2 kids! But instead, I will hang an ornament and an empty stocking and buy a headstone for my baby. And just like the month before it will include family get-together's. I've already been considering "skipping" Christmas this year. Not completely because I still have to do the decorations and presents for my oldest son, but there's just a few additional things going on that I don't think I really want to try and handle at Christmas this year.

Then there's January which will just be full of stress because I know February will be creeping up. I have to stay strong for Davin's birthday on February 5, and plan him something fun. Then, 6 days later will be my baby Dayton's 1st birthday in Heaven.

I know I should just try to go day to day and not worry about what's to come. But that's easier said than done. My days don't have a normal routine anymore. Some days I wake up and I'm happy and I have a good day. Some days I wake up mad and I just don't want to deal with anyone and just want to be alone and mad all day. And other days I wake up sad and I have a hard time getting up, and once I do I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

I'm not sure how I will be tomorrow, or what I'm going to do. I want to get some flowers and balloons and go to his grave site because I haven't been there since June, but I don't know if I will do it tomorrow. For most people tomorrow will just be another day. But for me, tomorrow won't just be another day. Tomorrow my baby Dayton will be 6 months old in Heaven.

Some people are stupid!

I just got back from the clinic. I had to go and start all my paperwork, do blood work, and all that other fun stuff to get my birth control. I dread this place, and I was dreading having to do all the tests....peeing in a cup, blood work, and blood pressure, because it just reminds me of being pregnant and having to do all that every month! I was expecting to have a rough time, but I was not expecting to have a not so enjoyable experience with the LVN. She made me want to yell at her and punch her in the throat!
Here's how our conversations pretty much went:

LVN: "How many pregnancies have you had?"
ME: "3"
LVN: "How many living children?"
ME: "1"
LVN: "Ok, so what happened with the other 2? Miscarriage?"
ME: "One miscarriage, one stillbirth."
LVN: "Ok, so you've only gone through one delivery?"
ME: "No, I've gone through 2. My youngest was stillborn at 37 weeks so I delivered him also." (I started slightly crying here)
LVN: "What are the dates of the miscarriage and stillbirth?"
ME: "Miscarriage was May 2, 2011; and stillbirth was Feb. 11, 2012."
LVN: "Oh wow that's still pretty fresh and recent, no wonder you're still upset about it."
(I start crying a little harder here because I start getting mad)
"They always say everything happens for a reason, or there was a problem or something wrong with the fetus. Give it some more time and you'll get over it."

I kept my mouth shut but here's what I was yelling at her in my head:
"Yes, it is still recent and I am still upset about it....and I will be for the rest of my life! Everything happens for a reason? Really? Enlighten me as to what this reason could possibly be that could make me feel better. Something was wrong with the fetus? First of all, he was 37 weeks and bigger than a lot of newborns....he was a baby, not a fetus! And give it time?? Are you serious? Give it time and I will get over my baby dying? Wow, maybe you shouldn't be a nurse because you're pretty stupid!"

Being Angry

I haven't been doing so well lately. I've had a lot going through my mind, my moods go from ok to pissed in a split second. I'm constantly in a daze or just ignoring everything around me. I've been through the sad, crying, depressed stage and it still visits me every now and again, but lately I've just been mad. Sometimes I don't know why, I'm just mad and irritable and nothing is going the way I want it to! I have no patience, I snap at Jason, I snap at Davin. I hate it....I would much rather be crying! This whole time I've heard others say that they've been mad at God and yelled at him and just let it all out. I've been mad, but I never was really mad at God. Well, today I was. Today I had my first little "outburst" and yelled at Him. I got a lot off my chest, and I felt better for at least a few minutes afterward.

I've got a lot I'm trying to deal with right now. A lot more than most people can handle! I'm trying to get stuff off my chest, but there's some things I feel like I need to keep to myself. I don't want people to think I'm being rude, or bitter or whatever. But at the same time, I wish they could walk in my shoes for just one day so they can see, feel, and know what I'm going through and feeling.

There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements lately....it seems like they never end. All of these announcements though are extremely hard for me, because the due dates are all close to Dayton's. So, more people on Facebook are hidden so I don't have to see their sonogram pictures, growing belly pictures, gender announcements and so on. I'm really not mad/upset at people for being pregnant, I know it may seem that way but I'm really not. I don't expect the whole world to just put aside what they want because of me and my issues. I know what it feels like to want a baby, and I'm happy for the people that are getting pregnant and will soon have a baby in their arms! I've unhidden a lot of my friends that recently had babies or are farther along in their pregnancy....but the ones that are just announcing and are 7-9 weeks right now, that's hard. Last year this time, I was 8 weeks. Dayton was due March 8th. So, all the women that are due around then, their pregnancy will go along with the same time frame mine was last year and I just can't deal with that.

I'm trying. I really am. I want to have good days, but right now I'm having a hard time. This is the first time in the past 5 months (well except for the first few weeks) that a bad day or bad moment has stuck around for multiple days.... So, please excuse my quietness (more than normal), my moodiness, my not congratulating you and being ecstatic, my not really wanting to hang out and do stuff, and whatever else.

5 months

Today is the 11th, which means another month has gone by. Five months have gone by. This morning was rough. I was off, but didn't want to get out of bed. Davin had a field trip at daycare this morning though so he needed to be there by 8:30. I got up and got both of us dressed, took him to get some doughnut holes, and then dropped him off at daycare. Then, I came home and went back to bed. I really wanted to get up and go to Dayton's grave site today, but Jason drove my Tahoe to Dallas so I have been driving his truck all week. I didn't have enough gas to get out there and back, and I didn't really feel comfortable driving Jason's truck that far either. So, I went back to bed and tried to sleep most of the day away, and I did. I finally got up around 1pm, showered, put on make-up and fixed my hair. I decided to go to Wal-Mart and get a few things we needed. After Wal-Mart I came home and swept the floors, then mopped them, and vacuumed the rugs. After all that it was time to go get Davin. I was still feeling really bad for not going to Dayton's grave site today so I decided me and Davin would go get some balloons to send to him. We decided to get him 5 balloons since he would have been 5 months old today. Davin picked out 2 blue, 1 pink, 1 green, and 1 yellow! I let Davin draw pictures on 3 of them and then I wrote a quick note on the other 2, one from me and then one from Jason since he wasn't here to do it. Then we went outside and released them and watched them fly higher and higher until we couldn't see them any more.

Thankful

I am so thankful for Davin! I always have been, but after losing Dayton it has made me even more thankful for him. So many baby loss moms don't have any other living children, and others who struggle with infertility or other medical issues may never get the chance to experience pregnancy, labor, and have their own child. I'm thankful for Dayton too. No, he's not here with me like I wish he was, but I got to have him for 36 weeks. I got to see my belly get bigger; I got to wear maternity clothes; I got to feel him move, and I got to find out he was a boy; I got to go through labor with him and hold him. So many women didn't get to experience those things before they lost their child. So I'm thankful for Dayton and the time and memories I did get to share with him!

Going back to Davin....I'm trying to write down everything he says about Dayton so I won't forget. Tonight we were all sitting on the couch watching TV and out of the blue Davin asks if Dayton was dead. I replied with "yes baby he is." He went back to playing with his stuffed animals and then a few minutes later said "I want another baby to be in your tummy." He sure does know how to make me tear up! I was trying not to cry and just smiled at him. Then he went back to playing again. Then a couple more minutes he saw clouds on my computer background and he asked if they were clouds. I said yes baby, and he said "Dayton lives in the clouds." I smiled again and said yes he sure does live in the clouds! He then said "Dayton is an angel and he lives in the clouds, does he live in a castle?" I said sure I bet he does live in a castle! And Davin replied with "Yes, he lives in a castle. When we become angels we're going to live in the clouds in the castle too."

I love that Davin thinks and talks about Dayton. It makes me so sad that I can't really make him understand why Dayton isn't here with us. But I don't want him to ever forget that he is a big brother. He has a baby brother in Heaven and I want him to always think about him, talk about him and everything! He even drew a picture of ALL of us today! It had clouds at the top with Dayton below the clouds and then me, Jason, and Davin at the bottom. I'm thankful for a lot of things, but I'm extremely thankful for the time I did have with Dayton, and for every day I have had and will have with Davin! And even though I cry when Davin says something about Dayton, I'm thankful that he's old enough that he does ask questions and bring him up because it makes me so happy to hear him say something about Dayton or draw a picture of him!