I'm really missing Dayton. Not that that's something new or unusual because I miss him every day, every minute and every second. This week has just had its share of rough moments. Thursday at work I was completing a lady's transaction and asked her how old her little girl was; she said 4 months. Everything turned into slow motion, and it seemed like I just stared at that baby forever. I hope her mom didn't notice and think I was some type of psycho. But I wanted to just take everything in and see how big she was and what she was doing. Dayton should have been close to that size. He should have been sitting there on my hip, holding his head up and looking around. He should have been holding a rattle in his hand like her. I caught myself having to hold back tears.
Davin drew a picture the other day of himself, me and his daddy. I asked him where Dayton was and he said he's invisible. I started to cry. Sometimes when I talk about Dayton, Davin will say he isn't real, and other times he says Dayton is an angel in Heaven, and asks me why Dayton lives in Heaven and not at home with us. I know he's only 5, and I'm sure it's very confusing for him because it's confusing for me. I just wish there was someway I could make him understand. But then again, how am I going to make him understand when I don't even understand what happened and why?? How can I give him an explanation, or a reason, when I don't have one for myself....
I miss Dayton so much. I constantly see people selling baby stuff, or in the stores I see the baby aisles. And on Facebook I see people's posts about being pregnant, or welcoming home baby. I still don't know what I'm going to do with his things, or his room. Some days I want to sell it all, the extra money would be nice. But honestly, I know I can't. I know if I got rid of all the baby things, and changed up his room I would be mad at myself and regret it. I still hope one day that crib will hold a baby, that car seat will be in the backseat of my vehicle with a baby in it and Davin beside it, and that stroller will get to go to the mall to show off the sweet new baby in it.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Today it begins
June 27, 2011 - I took a home pregnancy test and got the two pink lines that I had been hoping and praying for. I was excited and also a bit shocked because I wasn't expecting it so soon. I had become pregnant at the end of April 2011 but on May 2nd I had a miscarriage. My husband and I talked about waiting a couple of months before trying again, but like they always say.....you always get pregnant when you're not trying! And we did! We were both excited, but after going through the miscarriage and having to go back and tell everyone that we weren't pregnant anymore, we decided to keep this pregnancy to ourselves for a while.
I had to go to the clinic yesterday to schedule an appointment to get more birth control. I asked them if since I already had a yearly exam this year if I would have to have another with them. She said yes and asked if I had just had a baby if that's why I already had one this year. I said yes I delivered on February 11 and left it at that. As they looked up my file they said "OK, so you were last here on June 28 to confirm a pregnancy." I shook my head yes. And her next remark was "Alright, so now we need to change the number in your household from 3 to 4." I sad no and knew by her expression I was going to have to tell her my baby was stillborn. I hate the look people give you when you have to tell them your baby died.
So, today is June 27, 2012. Today starts all those "this time last year" things running through my head. This time last year, I was just finding out that I was pregnant. Tomorrow it will be this time last year, the clinic confirmed my pregnancy. This day last year was a happy day for me. This day this year, not so much....
I had to go to the clinic yesterday to schedule an appointment to get more birth control. I asked them if since I already had a yearly exam this year if I would have to have another with them. She said yes and asked if I had just had a baby if that's why I already had one this year. I said yes I delivered on February 11 and left it at that. As they looked up my file they said "OK, so you were last here on June 28 to confirm a pregnancy." I shook my head yes. And her next remark was "Alright, so now we need to change the number in your household from 3 to 4." I sad no and knew by her expression I was going to have to tell her my baby was stillborn. I hate the look people give you when you have to tell them your baby died.
So, today is June 27, 2012. Today starts all those "this time last year" things running through my head. This time last year, I was just finding out that I was pregnant. Tomorrow it will be this time last year, the clinic confirmed my pregnancy. This day last year was a happy day for me. This day this year, not so much....
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Sweet Memories
I don't have as many memories or keepsake items of Dayton as I would love to have, but I am very thankful for the ones I do. I'm glad I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with him. I love going back and reading about all my Dr appointments, my cravings, moods, and when I first felt him kick. I'm also glad I have all the pictures I do. I have pictures of me throughout my pregnancy gradually getting bigger and bigger, and I also have beautiful, professional photographs of him after he was born. I never want to forget anything, but I know forgetting is a natural thing that happens and you can't do anything about it. Without my journal/blog and my pictures I would be forgetting so many sweet memories. After talking with other baby loss moms there are so many that don't have any photographs or the ones they do have are not very good quality, and they didn't keep any kind of journal. I can't imagine going a single day without looking at Dayton's pictures, let alone months & years... I also have the memory box that the hospital gave us. It has his footprints, his left hand print, the hand made blanket he was wrapped in, a little gown he wore, and a heart shaped pillow that his little hand was resting on in a picture I have. My mom had started making a quilt for him and it was almost finished, but she felt she needed to leave it unfinished just like he was so I put that in there too. My sister had some tag blankets made for him so I added them, I kept his "little brother" onesie and put it in there, and there is also the funeral guest book and all the cards that we received from family and friends. All of his "things" I keep in a medium sized plastic Rubbermaid box. It makes me sad to think that everything I have of him and all the memories fit into a box. But then again, I have a lot more than other baby loss moms and I'm thankful. I'm eventually going to get us a fire proof safe of some sort to keep his "box" in because if there was ever a fire (and I pray that I never have to experience a house fire) but I want to know that his things are safe. I can buy us all new clothes, Davin new toys, new furniture, but those memories and items could never be replaced and it scares me. I wish I could carry all of his things with me everywhere I go.
I may not be able to carry his things with me everywhere I go, but I will always have his little hand resting on my arm. I wish I had more time with him, I wish I had more items that he touched...that were truly "his", I wish I had more photos. But, all I can do is be thankful for what I do have...because I'm lucky to have the things and sweet memories that I do.
Monday, June 11, 2012
4 months later
Today Dayton would have been 4 months old. All day I've been thinking of the things that I should have gotten to see him do. I could go on and on about what I wish I could have experienced with Dayton, because I wanted to see and be there for it all! I do know that he would have looked a lot like his older brother Davin! This is Dayton on the left and his big brother Davin on the right.....
I went to the cemetery this morning and took Dayton a small balloon. It was peaceful and quiet out there so I just sat, talked, and cried for a little bit. It was nice. It was the first time I had gone out there by myself. With his grave site being a little over an hour away from where I live I don't get to make it up there too often. But, I was off work today and with it being the 11th, which means another month has passed, I felt I needed to go today.
These past 4 months have been hard. There have been lots of bad days, sadness, tears, anger and confusion. But I do have good days too. My oldest son Davin helps me to have good days!
He loves donuts!
And Saturday we had a Mommy/Davin movie date and saw Madagascar 3!
My boys mean the world to me. I love them both so much. I wish Dayton was here to get to have fun days with me and Davin, but I'm sure he's watching over us and is glad to see his Mommy and big brother have good days to off set some of the bad/tougher days!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Grief Journey - June
Where am I on my grief journey? It's only just begun. I'm heartbroken, confused, angry, and well.....pissed! I do have my good days, but I also have bad days. And I assume that's just the way it's going to be from here on out. In 4 days it will have been 4 months since I last held him in my arms. In 5 days it will have been 4 months since I last kissed those sweet, soft cheeks. Some days it seems like it's been even longer, and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. I keep hoping that one night I will see him in a dream, but it hasn't happened yet.
We went out to eat tonight. At the booth in front of me (behind my husband) was a beautiful little girl that looked to be maybe a month or two old. I stared at her almost the whole time we were there. She fussed a little bit and I had to hold back the tears. I love looking at newborns/infants but I don't want to hear them cry or hold them. I never heard Dayton's cry and I always wonder what it would sound like. Dayton was the last baby I've held, and I plan to keep it that way for a long while.
So, I guess where I'm at......is right where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be heartbroken, confused, angry, and pissed. How could I not be after losing my baby? My baby that grew inside of me for 36 1/2 weeks. My baby that I had everything bought, washed, and ready for when he came home. My baby that was so beautiful and perfect. My baby that I miss every day and wanted to see grow up for many, many years.....
This is my baby. His pictures make me sad, but also bring a smile because he was just so beautiful. Being a baby loss mom sucks, but I'm proud & glad to be Dayton's mommy! He will always be my baby, my angel.
I am linking up with The Journey @ Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.
We went out to eat tonight. At the booth in front of me (behind my husband) was a beautiful little girl that looked to be maybe a month or two old. I stared at her almost the whole time we were there. She fussed a little bit and I had to hold back the tears. I love looking at newborns/infants but I don't want to hear them cry or hold them. I never heard Dayton's cry and I always wonder what it would sound like. Dayton was the last baby I've held, and I plan to keep it that way for a long while.
So, I guess where I'm at......is right where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be heartbroken, confused, angry, and pissed. How could I not be after losing my baby? My baby that grew inside of me for 36 1/2 weeks. My baby that I had everything bought, washed, and ready for when he came home. My baby that was so beautiful and perfect. My baby that I miss every day and wanted to see grow up for many, many years.....
This is my baby. His pictures make me sad, but also bring a smile because he was just so beautiful. Being a baby loss mom sucks, but I'm proud & glad to be Dayton's mommy! He will always be my baby, my angel.
I am linking up with The Journey @ Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
On my mind today
My mind has been all over the place today. Certain things just popping up out of nowhere and leaving me wondering. I read an article the other day that said 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. Holy crap! I can't imagine losing my baby and also my husband. I've been pretty lucky, my husband has been strong for me, and been here for me, and helped me a lot. Yes, we've had our arguments and our bad days where we are irritated/frustrated and snip at each other over the stupidest things. But we aren't giving up. We've got a long, long road ahead of us and I think we both need each other to push each other along. I hope and pray that we always remember that we need each other so that we don't become part of that 80% statistic.
Looking back at certain things has got me wondering, did I somehow sense something was going to happen with Dayton or was it just a coincidence....
As soon as I found out I was pregnant I went to Books-A-Million to buy a journal. I wanted to keep a pregnancy journal to write down cravings, weight gain, moods, how Dr appts went and stuff like that. The journal I picked out has clouds with angel wings at the top.
I was around 16 weeks pregnant and Jason was in Houston working a tattoo convention. I was hooked on the show The Secret Life of The American Teenager. Since he was gone, after Davin went to bed, I would watch episode after episode to get caught up. Little did I know that in the last season that was on Netflix Adrian delivered her full term baby stillborn. I cried a lot on that episode. I very rarely cry at movies or TV shows, but my pregnancy hormones were out of control! And plus, being pregnant, seeing her have everything ready for this baby, go full term, and then lose it so soon and unexpected scared me to death and I put myself in her shoes....not knowing that in real life I would later actually be in her shoes.
Another show I watched a lot on Netflix and Hulu was Private Practice. I was farther along in my pregnancy while watching this one certain episode, and like last time my hormones were going crazy and I cried my eyes out! I believe I actually watched this one episode a week before losing Dayton. Anyway, it was the one where Addison's mom died. After watching that episode I remember sitting on the couch and thinking that it had been a few years since I had been to a funeral. From 2002-2008 I went to at least 1 funeral every year. I couldn't remember attending a funeral after 2008 and thinking wow, that's good....but is it going to catch up to me this year? I thought of my grandmother, she hasn't been doing too well the past year or so, so I was thinking and wondering if her funeral would be the next I attend. I never expected or even thought about having to attend my son's funeral.
And the last thing that really has my mind boggled: Jason and I had both decided that Dayton would be the final addition to our family. I always said I wanted 3 kids, he was satisfied with just Davin but I kinda talked him into another. So, we settled on 2. After we got pregnant with Dayton, Jason was dead set on going to get a vasectomy. He mentioned it a few times and every time he would bring it up I would tell him to please wait until I deliver and we get Dayton home. I don't know why I asked him to wait......
This is just some of the random/confusing things going through my head today.
Looking back at certain things has got me wondering, did I somehow sense something was going to happen with Dayton or was it just a coincidence....
As soon as I found out I was pregnant I went to Books-A-Million to buy a journal. I wanted to keep a pregnancy journal to write down cravings, weight gain, moods, how Dr appts went and stuff like that. The journal I picked out has clouds with angel wings at the top.
I was around 16 weeks pregnant and Jason was in Houston working a tattoo convention. I was hooked on the show The Secret Life of The American Teenager. Since he was gone, after Davin went to bed, I would watch episode after episode to get caught up. Little did I know that in the last season that was on Netflix Adrian delivered her full term baby stillborn. I cried a lot on that episode. I very rarely cry at movies or TV shows, but my pregnancy hormones were out of control! And plus, being pregnant, seeing her have everything ready for this baby, go full term, and then lose it so soon and unexpected scared me to death and I put myself in her shoes....not knowing that in real life I would later actually be in her shoes.
Another show I watched a lot on Netflix and Hulu was Private Practice. I was farther along in my pregnancy while watching this one certain episode, and like last time my hormones were going crazy and I cried my eyes out! I believe I actually watched this one episode a week before losing Dayton. Anyway, it was the one where Addison's mom died. After watching that episode I remember sitting on the couch and thinking that it had been a few years since I had been to a funeral. From 2002-2008 I went to at least 1 funeral every year. I couldn't remember attending a funeral after 2008 and thinking wow, that's good....but is it going to catch up to me this year? I thought of my grandmother, she hasn't been doing too well the past year or so, so I was thinking and wondering if her funeral would be the next I attend. I never expected or even thought about having to attend my son's funeral.
And the last thing that really has my mind boggled: Jason and I had both decided that Dayton would be the final addition to our family. I always said I wanted 3 kids, he was satisfied with just Davin but I kinda talked him into another. So, we settled on 2. After we got pregnant with Dayton, Jason was dead set on going to get a vasectomy. He mentioned it a few times and every time he would bring it up I would tell him to please wait until I deliver and we get Dayton home. I don't know why I asked him to wait......
This is just some of the random/confusing things going through my head today.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Truth is, I'm barely hanging on
Well, I took the crib down last night. It was hard and I cried a lot while doing it; but honestly I was just tired of looking at the room all together with everything in its place...except a baby to go in the crib. So, now it at least doesn't look baby ready, which is still pretty hard. I'm also trying to get rid of a few of the smaller things I bought. They don't really have any sentimental value because Dayton was never able to use them, but it's still tough to see them go or be put up. I'm tired of keeping his bedroom door shut so tonight it's open. Walking down the hall and looking into the room surely can't be any harder than walking down the hall to see a shut door and knowing that behind it is emptiness and darkness. Today was another rough day, but fortunately my daddy drove up and kept me busy for most of the morning and afternoon. My husband and I are on completely different pages about maybe having another baby down the road and I'm at the point where I just want to scream, break everything in sight, and throw all the baby items we have accumulated on the curb. I'm not mad that he doesn't want to try again; I can't blame him for how he feels. He has every right to feel the way he does. I'm mad at myself for even considering having another. How can I consider putting myself, my husband & my family through the weeks/months of another pregnancy that isn't guaranteed to go the way we all want? There is no guarantee that this won't happen again!
I feel like a failure...to myself, my husband, my sons, my parents, well pretty much everyone. I haven't been there for my husband lately, I haven't listened to him, and I haven't talked to him. I've never really talked to him. I can't talk about my feelings, I just cry. So instead of talking, I write. Will our marriage make it through this? Through this horrible, tragic event that the majority of couples don't experience? Yes, of course I want us to be strong and be there for each other and support each other and make our marriage last. I pray that our marriage lasts because I can't imagine my life without him. I love him deeply, but I feel like I'm failing him as a wife and failing our marriage. I haven't been there for Davin either. I know I'm a good mom and that he has everything he wants and needs. Except for a baby brother. When we first talked about having a baby he would tell us no he didn't want one, then later he said he wanted a sister (probably so he wouldn't have to share his boy toys), but then as he saw my belly getting bigger you could see the excitement on his face. He would place his hand on my belly and rub it, he was going to teach his baby brother how to count, and his ABC's, and he was going to help me feed him and make him laugh. Now, he doesn't get to do those things. He still has a baby brother, but he doesn't get to teach him things or make him laugh. I feel like I don't play with him enough or actually spend time with him doing things he wants to do. I feel like I'm failing him. I know no one blames me for what happened with Dayton, but it feels like they do. I know it's not my fault, but it feels like it was. I've been listening to Selah - I will carry you over and over every day and it's stuck in my head. I love the lyrics but the part that sticks out to me the most is "People say I am brave but I'm not, Truth is I'm barely hanging on" because that's really what it's like. Everyone say's I'm so strong or I'm an amazing person/mother and they look up to me. How am I strong, and why are you looking up to me? Yes, I'm not suicidal or going through major depression, but I'm not strong or brave. I'm doing what I have to.....be here for my husband, Davin, and my family. I have prayed at times and wished that I could be with Dayton, but he doesn't need me. He's safe and has tons of family rocking him and taking care of him. The people who do need me are here on Earth, so I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm here for them as much as I possibly can be. But I don't see how I'm brave, or a strong woman when I feel like I'm falling apart and picking up just enough pieces to go on day to day.
I feel like a failure...to myself, my husband, my sons, my parents, well pretty much everyone. I haven't been there for my husband lately, I haven't listened to him, and I haven't talked to him. I've never really talked to him. I can't talk about my feelings, I just cry. So instead of talking, I write. Will our marriage make it through this? Through this horrible, tragic event that the majority of couples don't experience? Yes, of course I want us to be strong and be there for each other and support each other and make our marriage last. I pray that our marriage lasts because I can't imagine my life without him. I love him deeply, but I feel like I'm failing him as a wife and failing our marriage. I haven't been there for Davin either. I know I'm a good mom and that he has everything he wants and needs. Except for a baby brother. When we first talked about having a baby he would tell us no he didn't want one, then later he said he wanted a sister (probably so he wouldn't have to share his boy toys), but then as he saw my belly getting bigger you could see the excitement on his face. He would place his hand on my belly and rub it, he was going to teach his baby brother how to count, and his ABC's, and he was going to help me feed him and make him laugh. Now, he doesn't get to do those things. He still has a baby brother, but he doesn't get to teach him things or make him laugh. I feel like I don't play with him enough or actually spend time with him doing things he wants to do. I feel like I'm failing him. I know no one blames me for what happened with Dayton, but it feels like they do. I know it's not my fault, but it feels like it was. I've been listening to Selah - I will carry you over and over every day and it's stuck in my head. I love the lyrics but the part that sticks out to me the most is "People say I am brave but I'm not, Truth is I'm barely hanging on" because that's really what it's like. Everyone say's I'm so strong or I'm an amazing person/mother and they look up to me. How am I strong, and why are you looking up to me? Yes, I'm not suicidal or going through major depression, but I'm not strong or brave. I'm doing what I have to.....be here for my husband, Davin, and my family. I have prayed at times and wished that I could be with Dayton, but he doesn't need me. He's safe and has tons of family rocking him and taking care of him. The people who do need me are here on Earth, so I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm here for them as much as I possibly can be. But I don't see how I'm brave, or a strong woman when I feel like I'm falling apart and picking up just enough pieces to go on day to day.
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