Catching up

Since I haven't written a blog in quite some time, this one may be a little random and just kind of everywhere! The last blog was in October and I mentioned with October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month that I was going to get a tattoo of the Awareness ribbon for my baby and all the other babies gone too soon. Well here it is.....  I love it!!

Any-who....I've been super busy with work and trying to spend time with my family that I haven't really had the time to sit down and write on my blog. Also, I've had some things said to me that I needed a nice long "cool off" time before I decided to write again so I wouldn't put a few people on blast. I will share a little because I'm still pretty irritated and this is my place to vent and get things out...I will however leave out who these people are because the last thing I need is drama in my life and especially around the holidays.

So, I decided since I hadn't had any kind of contact (text, message, Facebook, face-to-face, anything) that I would write a letter and let these people know how I felt. I wasn't trying to be rude but explained how hurt I felt that there had been no contact. And one of them is pregnant and due March 6 (Dayton's due date was March 8) so I explained that with her pregnancy progressing at the exact same time frame mine was last year that it would be difficult for me to be around her and especially around the holidays. I also said that with all the awkwardness between all of us that I would not be present for the holidays. Well, here's some clips of the response I got....only from one of them though, because the other one never responded.

"I don't understand the anger at ______about the due date..as you said that wasn't planned"

I never said I was angry at her. I said I was hurt and it's going to be a difficult time for me to see someone celebrating a new baby while I am having to celebrate my baby's 1st birthday with him in Heaven and not here with us.

"I'm sorry you guys are hurt but how many times before Dayton died did you call and ask people how they were and how they felt?"

So, if we never called someone to see how they were before, then when our baby died that means they should be excused from asking how we are? 

"We will leave you alone until you want us in your life again..."

That was the whole point of the letter....you've already left me alone and not made any contact!

However, after that whole ordeal I did learn something. I learned that with a lot of friends and family I set my expectations of them too high.

The next subject that's been on my mind a lot lately is the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Every time I think of it I have to hold back tears. My oldest son Davin is 5 years old, will be 6 in less than 2 months, and in Kindergarten. 18 of the kids at Sandy Hook were 6 years old. They were Davin's age and size. Ever since Friday I have caught myself staring at him and thinking how terrified and confused a child his age and size must have been. What would have been going through their minds? And the ones who survived....can you imagine how terrified they are going to be to go back to school tomorrow? I can't imagine what you could say to make a child want to go back to school after witnessing those events. Yes, obviously for a while they will be in a different school, but still....What if something falls off the shelf, or something pops and makes a loud noise? It's going to take those kids immediately back to that day! I'm actually scared to take Davin to school tomorrow. Every morning I drive him up to the sidewalk, give him hugs & kisses, tell him to be good & listen to his teacher, and to have a good day and I will see him later. I'm sure that's what a lot of the Sandy Hook parents did Friday morning....and 20 of them didn't get to see their kids later. Schools are supposed to be safe. Parents are supposed to feel like their kids are safe while they are at school. I know that Davin's school keeps all the doors and gates locked once school begins, and I know all the staff would do anything to keep the kids safe.....but after hearing of someone shooting their way into an Elementary school and then going into classrooms and shooting teachers and kids, I'm sure millions of people are scared to send their children to school tomorrow. All I can do is pray for those families and hug and kiss Davin a lot more than usual. I hope you all will pray for those involved as well, and also hug and kiss your children a little more too!

A Week of Remembering

This past week was full of ups and downs. Last Thursday was the 11th.....8 months since holding my baby. Friday I took Dayton's memory book to work and shared it with one of the ladies I work with. I know it's eventually going to come up and I just don't want to catch everyone off guard because I don't want them to act awkward around me. Saturday evening was the 3rd annual Remembering Our Babies candle light vigil. It was a great night, a sad night, but it was nice to be around my friends that know what I'm going through. My mom went with me, Jason and Davin to the vigil. I'm very thankful that my mom is so supportive and does things with me to show me that she is grieving also. She lost a grandson and it is hard for her as well. She has text me every month on the 11th, and other days here and there when she is thinking of me or Dayton. She goes with me to the cemetery and posts inspirational sayings to my Facebook wall; she wears a "grandma to an angel" bracelet, and took part in the Wave of Light on October 15 and lit a candle for Dayton. I had quite a few friends, and my sister Janet take part in the Wave of Light also and post pictures to my Facebook. It was so nice to see the people who are still thinking of us and supporting us.
This is a picture of all the candles that were lit Saturday night in remembrance of the babies who left us too soon.

Here is a picture of the candles that Jason, Davin and I lit Monday night for Dayton.

Tuesday I came home for lunch and had a present hanging on the door waiting for me. 

Our amazing friends Chris & Tera had me a bracelet made with Dayton's name! I cried when I opened it and I love it so much!! I am so thankful for the friends & family that remember us and think of us, that listen to us and aren't tired of hearing us talk about Dayton, that don't get awkward around us, and support us by remembering Dayton as well. You all know who you are and we thank you, appreciate you, and love you! 

I got this shirt at the vigil Saturday night and I'm so excited to wear it to work Friday!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow Jason is supposed to tattoo the pregnancy and infant loss ribbon on me since October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month! Tomorrow evening is also the MEND meeting. I'm looking forward to getting to talk and remember Dayton once again. This week has been full of ups and downs but overall it's been a great week.....a great week of remembering my baby!

Ramblings of a tired and depressed mommy...

It's been a while since my last post. I wanted to take a short break, but I didn't intend on it being this long. Life just got busy and it hasn't slowed down yet. I would really like to be in bed right now but I'm forcing myself to at least get a little bit of my thoughts out.
I recently started a new job and it seems like I can't get anything done. I get up at 5:30am and get myself ready, wake Davin up at 6:50 and get him fed and dressed for school, leave by 7:20 so I can get him to school and me to work before 8. I get off at 5pm, pick Davin up from daycare around 5:15 and then head home.  Davin goes to bed by 8:30 so by the time we get home I have about 3 hours to spend with him, doing homework, playing, reading, or whatever else. But, I also have to mow the yard, grocery shop, cook dinner, wash dishes, put away dishes, wash clothes, put away clothes, and pick up everything around the house that just gets thrown around when we are too busy or lazy to put it away that moment! Now obviously I don't do all of those things every night, but every night there's something that needs done! I know there are tons of moms that work full time (or more) and have all this (or more) to do on a daily basis as well. I wanted a full-time job and I'm thankful I FINALLY got one. It's nice to actually have a little extra money just sitting in my bank account and not stressing because I have $5 and a bill coming up! The weekends are just as crazy too. First thing Saturday mornings we have soccer games and then I always have some kind of errands or cleaning to do. Sunday's are NORMALLY lazy, relaxing days....but they go by way to fast. I just haven't adjusted to my new schedule yet. I'm at that stage where I'm just stressed and tired. I'm missing getting to see Davin as much as I was used to and then there's so much going on that's making me miss Dayton as well.
Thursday is the 11th which will be 8 months since Dayton's passing. This Saturday is the candle light vigil dinner for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I'm extremely nervous, but excited to see some friends and meet a few new ones. Me and Jason both have our candle holders decorated and I'm going to decorate one for my mom and Davin to take as well. I plan on Davin wearing his "big brother" shirt for the first time also! Monday is the 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. I'm really nervous about this Thursday the 11th and then Monday the 15th. I haven't really had the opportunity to mention my loss to anyone at work and I don't really know how to go about bringing it up. I want them to know, because I know I'm going to have my rough days, but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or to not want to bring it up or talk about it because they see that it makes me sad.
The other day Davin and I went to Hobby Lobby looking for some Halloween ghosts to hang in our tree in the front yard. Well, they didn't have any and I haven't been able to find any so I'm not sure what kind of decorating we will do this year. While we were there we decided to browse through the Christmas aisles. BAD IDEA. Every single aisle (even the end caps) had "Baby's 1st Christmas" items. There were ornaments, stockings, bibs, booties, hats, picture frames and stuffed bears. I wanted to quickly turn around and leave, but I tortured myself and looked at every item....for quite a while.
I'm not ready for the holidays coming up. I see and hear all these people so excited about dressing up their baby for their 1st Halloween and I get so sad and jealous that I don't get to! And then all of the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stuff....I don't get to be excited about that either. I did however buy Dayton a small stocking that I will probably hang on the tree this year.

Well, now that I've written a little, cried a little, and gotten every one caught up on my hectic, stressful, sometimes depressed but blessed life.....I'm going to bed. 5:30am comes way too early!

No apologies

After my last blog I thought about giving up the whole public writing thing and just going back to using only my personal journal. Apparently, people get offended when you speak about how you feel. I'm not going to apologize. This is my blog and it is my space to get out my thoughts and feelings. If you don't like how I feel and what I write then don't read my blog. It's not here for you. What it is here for is:
1) To help me! To get my feelings and thoughts out so I don't explode trying to hold everything in.
 2) To hopefully help other baby loss moms who may at times feel the same as I do but can't or don't talk about it or express it.
And most importantly 3)For Dayton. I remember him and always will. Jason and Davin remember him and I know some of my family/friends will always remember him. But other family/friends....I'm tired of trying to "remind" you of him so he doesn't get forgotten.
Some of you reading this may think "how could I ever forget him?" Maybe you won't, but you don't let me know that! It has really surprised me at the people who have really taken the effort in the last (almost) 7 months to just let me know that they are thinking of Dayton as well as thinking of me! I cherish those people so much. How hard is it to send a text, post on my Facebook wall, send me a private message or e-mail just to say something like "I've had Dayton on my mind this morning, thinking of you."; "Hope you are doing well, hugs."; "Been thinking of you and praying." ?? With that said, once again I don't want my phone, messages, e-mail or whatever blowing up from people trying to cheer me up and bring me comfort. I know who can act normal around me, and can send me a simple sentence to make my day, and not be selfish about doing it or avoid doing it because it makes them feel awkward. I know who those people are....and it's people I never expected it from!
These are my feelings, my thoughts, my blog. I'm not going to sensor and sugar coat my thoughts and feelings to make other people happy or feel better or comfortable. If you don't like what I feel, then please don't read my blog anymore because that's what this whole blog is about: MY thoughts and MY feelings while trying to handle losing MY son!

New feelings

This past week has brought a lot of new feelings up. I want to move away and completely start over. New town, new jobs, new house, new friends, new everything. I don't want to try and run from my life, my loss, and try to forget Dayton. Because obviously that could never happen. But I do want to get away from the people (some family included) that can no longer act normal around me. It's like everyone is walking around on egg shells, whispering, just waiting for me to explode. Yes, my baby died and it sucks, but the silence and avoidance doesn't make it suck any less! It's like people think that the only thing I want to think or talk about is Dayton, but they don't want to bring it up because they don't want to upset me.....I would love to talk about Dayton to anyone that wants to, but I can talk about other things too. And the people I know that are pregnant avoid me like I have a contagious illness that will kill their baby too. It is tough at times to see pregnant people, especially the ones that are progressing at the same time my pregnancy was last year. Your worst nightmare about your unborn baby, is my reality....but I promise it's not contagious. So, the silence and avoidance doesn't make this any easier for me. And after writing this I really don't want people freaking out and texting me or messaging me, because obviously this isn't about everyone. I do have some friends/family left that still talk to me and hang out with me and make time for me and don't avoid me. Some of those people occasionally send me messages or write on my Facebook wall or leave me comments on my blogs and those small gestures make all the difference. I may not can move or get a new house or anything, or even get away from some family/friends. But there will be a few changes coming that will be best for me. So, out with the old.......

I've also realized it's hard to "fit in" with other baby loss moms. The only people I can really connect with are the ones whose stories are similar to mine. I listen to other people's stories and feel sad for them that they are traveling this road as well, but it's confusing. I don't want to sound insensitive because I don't want to come off that way at all but I just can't connect with the people that talk about miscarriages, or early stillbirths, or the women who have a reason. I know a reason wouldn't make it any easier, but a lot of times I just don't feel like I fit in. I was pretty much full term with Dayton, so he didn't have any issues from being born too early, and the autopsy results came back saying that everything was fine that there were no diseases, infections, or any other issues.... So, I guess this week I've realized I don't fit in like I used to with friends and family, but I don't quite fit in with all of the baby loss community either. Guess I will just stick by the people that I feel comfortable around and see how that goes.

Kindergarten blues

Tomorrow my oldest son starts kindergarten. I've never been a stay at home mom; he's gone to daycare since he was 6 weeks old, so I'm used to not having him with me during the day. But with daycare it was different. While he was at daycare if I wanted to keep him out and have a day with him I could. If I wanted to go pick him up after lunch I could. Now he will be in Kindergarten Monday-Friday 8am-3pm. No more keeping him home on days where I just need time with him, and no more picking him up early because I miss him. He's growing up....fast! 

I lost my youngest son Dayton 6 months ago, and now I feel like I'm losing Davin too. It's a different kind of loss though. With Davin it's just that he's growing up and becoming more independent. No longer Mommy's baby! Tomorrow is a huge milestone for Davin which will require lots of pictures! First day of Kindergarten! But it makes me sad to know that this is something that I won't get to experience with Dayton in 5 years....

Saturday

Saturday ending up being an OK day. Yes, it was sad, but I was able to make it a good, sad day....and not a bad, sad day. (If that makes any sense) With it being a Saturday I knew I couldn't just hide-a-way in bed all day because I had Davin. That morning we just stayed in our pajamas and watched cartoons. Then my mom text me and asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery with her. I'm glad she did because I was wanting to go all morning, but didn't really want it to just be me and Davin. So we got around and started getting dressed and ready to go. I know there's still a lot that Davin doesn't really understand, but I try to think of things for him to draw, make, or pick out at the store for Dayton. I bring Dayton up a lot because I want Davin to know it's OK to talk about Dayton and that even though we don't see Dayton, that Dayton sees all the things Davin makes or draws or the balloons he sends him! So this is the project we did for Dayton on Saturday and set on his grave site.

Then we went to the store to pick out some new, pretty flowers to take out there. I had picked out 3 or 4 different ones and couldn't make up my mind. So, I put them all back and asked Davin to pick them out. Of course he picked out one that wasn't one I had originally picked, but they were perfect! He called them rainbow flowers, and said that Dayton would like the rainbow flowers the best!

We also did balloons. Davin got a balloon and drew pictures and wrote his name, and my mom and I each got a balloon and wrote a little note on them. I counted to 3 and we let them go. Well, Davin was standing on his string so his got a delayed start. But then it quickly caught up with the other 2 and then it was as if Davin's balloon was the leader and the other 2 followed. They all 3 stayed together until we couldn't see them any more.

Not just another day

I wish today would last forever, but as always time is flying by. Tomorrow is coming quick. Tomorrow my baby would be 6 months old. I can't believe it's already been 6 months! Half of a year has gone by! How in the world is that possible? The first 6 months have been hard, but I'm thinking the next 6 are going to be even harder. And I know it's not going to stop being hard after the first year, I just know the first year has all of the "milestones" you look forward to that make it tough.

October has Halloween.....I had already planned on Dayton wearing Davin's 1st Halloween outfit because they would have been close to the same age on both their 1st Halloween's.

November has Thanksgiving, We don't do family get-together's very often, but Thanksgiving is one time that we do. It's going to be sad having everyone together, and missing my baby.

December has Christmas. It should be Dayton's first Christmas. I should be going crazy and stressing out trying to buy tons of toys for 2 kids! But instead, I will hang an ornament and an empty stocking and buy a headstone for my baby. And just like the month before it will include family get-together's. I've already been considering "skipping" Christmas this year. Not completely because I still have to do the decorations and presents for my oldest son, but there's just a few additional things going on that I don't think I really want to try and handle at Christmas this year.

Then there's January which will just be full of stress because I know February will be creeping up. I have to stay strong for Davin's birthday on February 5, and plan him something fun. Then, 6 days later will be my baby Dayton's 1st birthday in Heaven.

I know I should just try to go day to day and not worry about what's to come. But that's easier said than done. My days don't have a normal routine anymore. Some days I wake up and I'm happy and I have a good day. Some days I wake up mad and I just don't want to deal with anyone and just want to be alone and mad all day. And other days I wake up sad and I have a hard time getting up, and once I do I want to go back to bed and stay there all day.

I'm not sure how I will be tomorrow, or what I'm going to do. I want to get some flowers and balloons and go to his grave site because I haven't been there since June, but I don't know if I will do it tomorrow. For most people tomorrow will just be another day. But for me, tomorrow won't just be another day. Tomorrow my baby Dayton will be 6 months old in Heaven.

Some people are stupid!

I just got back from the clinic. I had to go and start all my paperwork, do blood work, and all that other fun stuff to get my birth control. I dread this place, and I was dreading having to do all the tests....peeing in a cup, blood work, and blood pressure, because it just reminds me of being pregnant and having to do all that every month! I was expecting to have a rough time, but I was not expecting to have a not so enjoyable experience with the LVN. She made me want to yell at her and punch her in the throat!
Here's how our conversations pretty much went:

LVN: "How many pregnancies have you had?"
ME: "3"
LVN: "How many living children?"
ME: "1"
LVN: "Ok, so what happened with the other 2? Miscarriage?"
ME: "One miscarriage, one stillbirth."
LVN: "Ok, so you've only gone through one delivery?"
ME: "No, I've gone through 2. My youngest was stillborn at 37 weeks so I delivered him also." (I started slightly crying here)
LVN: "What are the dates of the miscarriage and stillbirth?"
ME: "Miscarriage was May 2, 2011; and stillbirth was Feb. 11, 2012."
LVN: "Oh wow that's still pretty fresh and recent, no wonder you're still upset about it."
(I start crying a little harder here because I start getting mad)
"They always say everything happens for a reason, or there was a problem or something wrong with the fetus. Give it some more time and you'll get over it."

I kept my mouth shut but here's what I was yelling at her in my head:
"Yes, it is still recent and I am still upset about it....and I will be for the rest of my life! Everything happens for a reason? Really? Enlighten me as to what this reason could possibly be that could make me feel better. Something was wrong with the fetus? First of all, he was 37 weeks and bigger than a lot of newborns....he was a baby, not a fetus! And give it time?? Are you serious? Give it time and I will get over my baby dying? Wow, maybe you shouldn't be a nurse because you're pretty stupid!"

Being Angry

I haven't been doing so well lately. I've had a lot going through my mind, my moods go from ok to pissed in a split second. I'm constantly in a daze or just ignoring everything around me. I've been through the sad, crying, depressed stage and it still visits me every now and again, but lately I've just been mad. Sometimes I don't know why, I'm just mad and irritable and nothing is going the way I want it to! I have no patience, I snap at Jason, I snap at Davin. I hate it....I would much rather be crying! This whole time I've heard others say that they've been mad at God and yelled at him and just let it all out. I've been mad, but I never was really mad at God. Well, today I was. Today I had my first little "outburst" and yelled at Him. I got a lot off my chest, and I felt better for at least a few minutes afterward.

I've got a lot I'm trying to deal with right now. A lot more than most people can handle! I'm trying to get stuff off my chest, but there's some things I feel like I need to keep to myself. I don't want people to think I'm being rude, or bitter or whatever. But at the same time, I wish they could walk in my shoes for just one day so they can see, feel, and know what I'm going through and feeling.

There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements lately....it seems like they never end. All of these announcements though are extremely hard for me, because the due dates are all close to Dayton's. So, more people on Facebook are hidden so I don't have to see their sonogram pictures, growing belly pictures, gender announcements and so on. I'm really not mad/upset at people for being pregnant, I know it may seem that way but I'm really not. I don't expect the whole world to just put aside what they want because of me and my issues. I know what it feels like to want a baby, and I'm happy for the people that are getting pregnant and will soon have a baby in their arms! I've unhidden a lot of my friends that recently had babies or are farther along in their pregnancy....but the ones that are just announcing and are 7-9 weeks right now, that's hard. Last year this time, I was 8 weeks. Dayton was due March 8th. So, all the women that are due around then, their pregnancy will go along with the same time frame mine was last year and I just can't deal with that.

I'm trying. I really am. I want to have good days, but right now I'm having a hard time. This is the first time in the past 5 months (well except for the first few weeks) that a bad day or bad moment has stuck around for multiple days.... So, please excuse my quietness (more than normal), my moodiness, my not congratulating you and being ecstatic, my not really wanting to hang out and do stuff, and whatever else.

5 months

Today is the 11th, which means another month has gone by. Five months have gone by. This morning was rough. I was off, but didn't want to get out of bed. Davin had a field trip at daycare this morning though so he needed to be there by 8:30. I got up and got both of us dressed, took him to get some doughnut holes, and then dropped him off at daycare. Then, I came home and went back to bed. I really wanted to get up and go to Dayton's grave site today, but Jason drove my Tahoe to Dallas so I have been driving his truck all week. I didn't have enough gas to get out there and back, and I didn't really feel comfortable driving Jason's truck that far either. So, I went back to bed and tried to sleep most of the day away, and I did. I finally got up around 1pm, showered, put on make-up and fixed my hair. I decided to go to Wal-Mart and get a few things we needed. After Wal-Mart I came home and swept the floors, then mopped them, and vacuumed the rugs. After all that it was time to go get Davin. I was still feeling really bad for not going to Dayton's grave site today so I decided me and Davin would go get some balloons to send to him. We decided to get him 5 balloons since he would have been 5 months old today. Davin picked out 2 blue, 1 pink, 1 green, and 1 yellow! I let Davin draw pictures on 3 of them and then I wrote a quick note on the other 2, one from me and then one from Jason since he wasn't here to do it. Then we went outside and released them and watched them fly higher and higher until we couldn't see them any more.

Thankful

I am so thankful for Davin! I always have been, but after losing Dayton it has made me even more thankful for him. So many baby loss moms don't have any other living children, and others who struggle with infertility or other medical issues may never get the chance to experience pregnancy, labor, and have their own child. I'm thankful for Dayton too. No, he's not here with me like I wish he was, but I got to have him for 36 weeks. I got to see my belly get bigger; I got to wear maternity clothes; I got to feel him move, and I got to find out he was a boy; I got to go through labor with him and hold him. So many women didn't get to experience those things before they lost their child. So I'm thankful for Dayton and the time and memories I did get to share with him!

Going back to Davin....I'm trying to write down everything he says about Dayton so I won't forget. Tonight we were all sitting on the couch watching TV and out of the blue Davin asks if Dayton was dead. I replied with "yes baby he is." He went back to playing with his stuffed animals and then a few minutes later said "I want another baby to be in your tummy." He sure does know how to make me tear up! I was trying not to cry and just smiled at him. Then he went back to playing again. Then a couple more minutes he saw clouds on my computer background and he asked if they were clouds. I said yes baby, and he said "Dayton lives in the clouds." I smiled again and said yes he sure does live in the clouds! He then said "Dayton is an angel and he lives in the clouds, does he live in a castle?" I said sure I bet he does live in a castle! And Davin replied with "Yes, he lives in a castle. When we become angels we're going to live in the clouds in the castle too."

I love that Davin thinks and talks about Dayton. It makes me so sad that I can't really make him understand why Dayton isn't here with us. But I don't want him to ever forget that he is a big brother. He has a baby brother in Heaven and I want him to always think about him, talk about him and everything! He even drew a picture of ALL of us today! It had clouds at the top with Dayton below the clouds and then me, Jason, and Davin at the bottom. I'm thankful for a lot of things, but I'm extremely thankful for the time I did have with Dayton, and for every day I have had and will have with Davin! And even though I cry when Davin says something about Dayton, I'm thankful that he's old enough that he does ask questions and bring him up because it makes me so happy to hear him say something about Dayton or draw a picture of him!

I thought of you

I thought of you Saturday morning when I woke up. I thought of you as your big brother asked about you and if you were still in my tummy. I cried as I reminded him that you were in Heaven watching over us. I thought of you that evening as I saw the 2 very pregnant girls walk up. I cried as your daddy was asking if I was ok because I wasn't....I'm not. I thought of you as the beautiful fireworks lit up the sky. I smiled as I thought about how you were probably watching them too, but had a much better seat!

It's not fair that I have to miss you instead of hold you in my arms. It's not fair that I have to look at pictures to see your sweet face, hands & feet. I did everything I could to make my body a safe and healthy place for you until you were ready to come into the world. I stayed active, I cut out caffeine, and tried not to eat too many sweets; I took my vitamins and drank lots of water. It's not fair that these women who drink alcohol and smoke their whole pregnancy give birth to healthy, breathing babies that they get to cuddle and spoil. It's not fair that Davin doesn't get to teach you how to count, or your ABC's, or make you laugh. He didn't even get to hold you. It's not fair that you can't be here with me, your daddy, and your big brother. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

Still missing him

I'm really missing Dayton. Not that that's something new or unusual because I miss him every day, every minute and every second. This week has just had its share of rough moments. Thursday at work I was completing a lady's transaction and asked her how old her little girl was; she said 4 months. Everything turned into slow motion, and it seemed like I just stared at that baby forever. I hope her mom didn't notice and think I was some type of psycho. But I wanted to just take everything in and see how big she was and what she was doing. Dayton should have been close to that size. He should have been sitting there on my hip, holding his head up and looking around. He should have been holding a rattle in his hand like her. I caught myself having to hold back tears.

Davin drew a picture the other day of himself, me and his daddy. I asked him where Dayton was and he said he's invisible. I started to cry. Sometimes when I talk about Dayton, Davin will say he isn't real, and other times he says Dayton is an angel in Heaven, and asks me why Dayton lives in Heaven and not at home with us. I know he's only 5, and I'm sure it's very confusing for him because it's confusing for me. I just wish there was someway I could make him understand. But then again, how am I going to make him understand when I don't even understand what happened and why?? How can I give him an explanation, or a reason, when I don't have one for myself....

I miss Dayton so much. I constantly see people selling baby stuff, or in the stores I see the baby aisles. And on Facebook I see people's posts about being pregnant, or welcoming home baby. I still don't know what I'm going to do with his things, or his room. Some days I want to sell it all, the extra money would be nice. But honestly, I know I can't. I know if I got rid of all the baby things, and changed up his room I would be mad at myself and regret it. I still hope one day that crib will hold a baby, that car seat will be in the backseat of my vehicle with a baby in it and Davin beside it, and that stroller will get to go to the mall to show off the sweet new baby in it.

Today it begins

June 27, 2011 - I took a home pregnancy test and got the two pink lines that I had been hoping and praying for. I was excited and also a bit shocked because I wasn't expecting it so soon. I had become pregnant at the end of April 2011 but on May 2nd I had a miscarriage. My husband and I talked about waiting a couple of months before trying again, but like they always say.....you always get pregnant when you're not trying! And we did! We were both excited, but after going through the miscarriage and having to go back and tell everyone that we weren't pregnant anymore, we decided to keep this pregnancy to ourselves for a while.

I had to go to the clinic yesterday to schedule an appointment to get more birth control. I asked them if since I already had a yearly exam this year if I would have to have another with them. She said yes and asked if I had just had a baby if that's why I already had one this year. I said yes I delivered on February 11 and left it at that. As they looked up my file they said "OK, so you were last here on June 28 to confirm a pregnancy." I shook my head yes. And her next remark was "Alright, so now we need to change the number in your household from 3 to 4." I sad no and knew by her expression I was going to have to tell her my baby was stillborn. I hate the look people give you when you have to tell them your baby died.

So, today is June 27, 2012. Today starts all those "this time last year" things running through my head. This time last year, I was just finding out that I was pregnant. Tomorrow it will be this time last year, the clinic confirmed my pregnancy. This day last year was a happy day for me. This day this year, not so much....

Sweet Memories

I don't have as many memories or keepsake items of Dayton as I would love to have, but I am very thankful for the ones I do. I'm glad I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with him. I love going back and reading about all my Dr appointments, my cravings, moods, and when I first felt him kick. I'm also glad I have all the pictures I do. I have pictures of me throughout my pregnancy gradually getting bigger and bigger, and I also have beautiful, professional photographs of him after he was born. I never want to forget anything, but I know forgetting is a natural thing that happens and you can't do anything about it. Without my journal/blog and my pictures I would be forgetting so many sweet memories. After talking with other baby loss moms there are so many that don't have any photographs or the ones they do have are not very good quality, and they didn't keep any kind of journal. I can't imagine going a single day without looking at Dayton's pictures, let alone months & years... I also have the memory box that the hospital gave us. It has his footprints, his left hand print, the hand made blanket he was wrapped in, a little gown he wore, and a heart shaped pillow that his little hand was resting on in a picture I have. My mom had started making a quilt for him and it was almost finished, but she felt she needed to leave it unfinished just like he was so I put that in there too. My sister had some tag blankets made for him so I added them, I kept his "little brother" onesie and put it in there, and there is also the funeral guest book and all the cards that we received from family and friends. All of his "things" I keep in a medium sized plastic Rubbermaid box. It makes me sad to think that everything I have of him and all the memories fit into a box. But then again, I have a lot more than other baby loss moms and I'm thankful. I'm eventually going to get us a fire proof safe of some sort to keep his "box" in because if there was ever a fire (and I pray that I never have to experience a house fire) but I want to know that his things are safe. I can buy us all new clothes, Davin new toys, new furniture, but those memories and items could never be replaced and it scares me. I wish I could carry all of his things with me everywhere I go.

I may not be able to carry his things with me everywhere I go, but I will always have his little hand resting on my arm. I wish I had more time with him, I wish I had more items that he touched...that were truly "his", I wish I had more photos. But, all I can do is be thankful for what I do have...because I'm lucky to have the things and sweet memories that I do.

4 months later

Today Dayton would have been 4 months old. All day I've been thinking of the things that I should have gotten to see him do. I could go on and on about what I wish I could have experienced with Dayton, because I wanted to see and be there for it all! I do know that he would have looked a lot like his older brother Davin! This is Dayton on the left and his big brother Davin on the right.....

I went to the cemetery this morning and took Dayton a small balloon. It was peaceful and quiet out there so I just sat, talked, and cried for a little bit. It was nice. It was the first time I had gone out there by myself. With his grave site being a little over an hour away from where I live I don't get to make it up there too often. But, I was off work today and with it being the 11th, which means another month has passed, I felt I needed to go today.

These past 4 months have been hard. There have been lots of bad days, sadness, tears, anger and confusion. But I do have good days too. My oldest son Davin helps me to have good days!

      He loves donuts!

And Saturday we had a Mommy/Davin movie date and saw Madagascar 3!

My boys mean the world to me. I love them both so much. I wish Dayton was here to get to have fun days with me and Davin, but I'm sure he's watching over us and is glad to see his Mommy and big brother have good days to off set some of the bad/tougher days!

Grief Journey - June

Where am I on my grief journey? It's only just begun. I'm heartbroken, confused, angry, and well.....pissed! I do have my good days, but I also have bad days. And I assume that's just the way it's going to be from here on out. In 4 days it will have been 4 months since I last held him in my arms. In 5 days it will have been 4 months since I last kissed those sweet, soft cheeks. Some days it seems like it's been even longer, and other days it seems like it was just yesterday. I keep hoping that one night I will see him in a dream, but it hasn't happened yet.

We went out to eat tonight. At the booth in front of me (behind my husband) was a beautiful little girl that looked to be maybe a month or two old. I stared at her almost the whole time we were there. She fussed a little bit and I had to hold back the tears. I love looking at newborns/infants but I don't want to hear them cry or hold them. I never heard Dayton's cry and I always wonder what it would sound like. Dayton was the last baby I've held, and I plan to keep it that way for a long while.

So, I guess where I'm at......is right where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be heartbroken, confused, angry, and pissed. How could I not be after losing my baby? My baby that grew inside of me for 36 1/2 weeks. My baby that I had everything bought, washed, and ready for when he came home. My baby that was so beautiful and perfect. My baby that I miss every day and wanted to see grow up for many, many years.....

This is my baby. His pictures make me sad, but also bring a smile because he was just so beautiful. Being a baby loss mom sucks, but I'm proud & glad to be Dayton's mommy! He will always be my baby, my angel.

I am linking up with The Journey @ Still Standing Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to embracing life after loss & infertility.

On my mind today

My mind has been all over the place today. Certain things just popping up out of nowhere and leaving me wondering. I read an article the other day that said 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. Holy crap! I can't imagine losing my baby and also my husband. I've been pretty lucky, my husband has been strong for me, and been here for me, and helped me a lot. Yes, we've had our arguments and our bad days where we are irritated/frustrated and snip at each other over the stupidest things. But we aren't giving up. We've got a long, long road ahead of us and I think we both need each other to push each other along. I hope and pray that we always remember that we need each other so that we don't become part of that 80% statistic.

Looking back at certain things has got me wondering, did I somehow sense something was going to happen with Dayton or was it just a coincidence....

As soon as I found out I was pregnant I went to Books-A-Million to buy a journal. I wanted to keep a pregnancy journal to write down cravings, weight gain, moods, how Dr appts went and stuff like that. The journal I picked out has clouds with angel wings at the top.

I was around 16 weeks pregnant and Jason was in Houston working a tattoo convention. I was hooked on the show The Secret Life of The American Teenager. Since he was gone, after Davin went to bed, I would watch episode after episode to get caught up. Little did I know that in the last season that was on Netflix Adrian delivered her full term baby stillborn. I cried a lot on that episode. I very rarely cry at movies or TV shows, but my pregnancy hormones were out of control! And plus, being pregnant, seeing her have everything ready for this baby, go full term, and then lose it so soon and unexpected scared me to death and I put myself in her shoes....not knowing that in real life I would later actually be in her shoes.

Another show I watched a lot on Netflix and Hulu was Private Practice. I was farther along in my pregnancy while watching this one certain episode, and like last time my hormones were going crazy and I cried my eyes out! I believe I actually watched this one episode a week before losing Dayton. Anyway, it was the one where Addison's mom died. After watching that episode I remember sitting on the couch and thinking that it had been a few years since I had been to a funeral. From 2002-2008 I went to at least 1 funeral every year. I couldn't remember attending a funeral after 2008 and thinking wow, that's good....but is it going to catch up to me this year? I thought of my grandmother, she hasn't been doing too well the past year or so, so I was thinking and wondering if her funeral would be the next I attend. I never expected or even thought about having to attend my son's funeral.

And the last thing that really has my mind boggled:  Jason and I had both decided that Dayton would be the final addition to our family. I always said I wanted 3 kids, he was satisfied with just Davin but I kinda talked him into another. So, we settled on 2. After we got pregnant with Dayton, Jason was dead set on going to get a vasectomy. He mentioned it a few times and every time he would bring it up I would tell him to please wait until I deliver and we get Dayton home. I don't know why I asked him to wait......

This is just some of the random/confusing things going through my head today.

Truth is, I'm barely hanging on

Well, I took the crib down last night. It was hard and I cried a lot while doing it; but honestly I was just tired of looking at the room all together with everything in its place...except a baby to go in the crib. So, now it at least doesn't look baby ready, which is still pretty hard. I'm also trying to get rid of a few of the smaller things I bought. They don't really have any sentimental value because Dayton was never able to use them, but it's still tough to see them go or be put up. I'm tired of keeping his bedroom door shut so tonight it's open. Walking down the hall and looking into the room surely can't be any harder than walking down the hall to see a shut door and knowing that behind it is emptiness and darkness. Today was another rough day, but fortunately my daddy drove up and kept me busy for most of the morning and afternoon. My husband and I are on completely different pages about maybe having another baby down the road and I'm at the point where I just want to scream, break everything in sight, and throw all the baby items we have accumulated on the curb. I'm not mad that he doesn't want to try again; I can't blame him for how he feels. He has every right to feel the way he does. I'm mad at myself for even considering having another. How can I consider putting myself, my husband & my family through the weeks/months of another pregnancy that isn't guaranteed to go the way we all want? There is no guarantee that this won't happen again!

I feel like a failure...to myself, my husband, my sons, my parents, well pretty much everyone. I haven't been there for my husband lately, I haven't listened to him, and I haven't talked to him. I've never really talked to him. I can't talk about my feelings, I just cry. So instead of talking, I write. Will our marriage make it through this? Through this horrible, tragic event that the majority of couples don't experience? Yes, of course I want us to be strong and be there for each other and support each other and make our marriage last. I pray that our marriage lasts because I can't imagine my life without him. I love him deeply, but I feel like I'm failing him as a wife and failing our marriage. I haven't been there for Davin either. I know I'm a good mom and that he has everything he wants and needs. Except for a baby brother. When we first talked about having a baby he would tell us no he didn't want one, then later he said he wanted a sister (probably so he wouldn't have to share his boy toys), but then as he saw my belly getting bigger you could see the excitement on his face. He would place his hand on my belly and rub it, he was going to teach his baby brother how to count, and his ABC's, and he was going to help me feed him and make him laugh. Now, he doesn't get to do those things. He still has a baby brother, but he doesn't get to teach him things or make him laugh. I feel like I don't play with him enough or actually spend time with him doing things he wants to do. I feel like I'm failing him. I know no one blames me for what happened with Dayton, but it feels like they do. I know it's not my fault, but it feels like it was. I've been listening to Selah - I will carry you over and over every day and it's stuck in my head. I love the lyrics but the part that sticks out to me the most is "People say I am brave but I'm not, Truth is I'm barely hanging on" because that's really what it's like. Everyone say's I'm so strong or I'm an amazing person/mother and they look up to me. How am I strong, and why are you looking up to me? Yes, I'm not suicidal or going through major depression, but I'm not strong or brave. I'm doing what I have to.....be here for my husband, Davin, and my family. I have prayed at times and wished that I could be with Dayton, but he doesn't need me. He's safe and has tons of family rocking him and taking care of him. The people who do need me are here on Earth, so I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm here for them as much as I possibly can be. But I don't see how I'm brave, or a strong woman when I feel like I'm falling apart and picking up just enough pieces to go on day to day.

Random Thoughts

How is it possible to still have baby fever after losing your baby? Why do I look at baby things every day? I'm sad and miss Dayton terribly, but I still want a baby in my arms and waking me up by crying every hour. Am I a horrible mom/person for wanting another baby eventually?  What do you do when you think that eventually you will want to try again but your partner is for sure set on no? I know I still need time to heal mentally and emotionally and grieve for Dayton a lot more, but there's still a part of me that is dead set on wanting another baby down the road. I kinda wish I didn't feel like having another baby because I don't in any way want anyone to think I'm just trying to replace Dayton. I don't want to replace him, I couldn't replace him. And I wish I didn't feel like having another baby because having to go 9 months worrying every day if everything's OK....how am I going to handle that?!? But how do you tell yourself to stop feeling this way and to stop wanting a baby so badly? If I got rid of all the baby items in the house would that help? Maybe I should just tell Jason to go have the surgery. That way it's done....the decision is made. What do you tell your 5 year old when he asks you if there will be another baby in your belly? How can I not want to try and give him another brother/sister when he was so excited and proud of the first one? Why haven't we had any "friends" ask us how we're doing? It's like people think if they talk about it it will happen to them or something. Or that by not talking about it or bringing him up helps us so we aren't thinking about it. We think about Dayton every day....no one has to say anything, he's just there in our thoughts every day. So actually it would be quite nice if someone would show a little compassion and think about him too by bringing him up or asking how we're doing.

Mommy - Davin time

I had a really good, long weekend. I was off Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday! Jason was in Houston working but got home at 1am Monday, and Davin was with me all day every day except Friday he was at daycare. I had some tough moments and cried here and there because I missed Dayton but I was strong and didn't get stuck in a sad/depressed mood. I knew I needed some much needed Mommy - Davin time and didn't want to be sad and depressed all weekend.
Friday evening we went and watched my niece in her dance recital.

Saturday and Sunday we spent most of the day with Grandma (Mommy's mommy) as Davin calls her and painted.

He was such a big helper too! If he wasn't helping us paint, he was helping us by handing us things or by just playing with his DSi or toys and staying out of our way. Some people said I was brave for letting him help us paint, but I wasn't worried because he's my neat child. He likes his toys to be organized and his room fairly clean. He doesn't like for his hands to be messy or his clothes to be dirty. Every time a little bit of paint dripped on him he ran to the bathroom to wash it off! However, he doesn't mind getting messy while eating cake.....

 

 

This kid loves some cake! He doesn't eat candy or chocolate but he will devour some cake, brownies, or sugar cookies! Jason came home early Monday morning and brought back Davin some new shirts. Here's one that he wore Monday.....

From yesterday afternoon to this morning he collected $5 from me, his daddy, his Aunt Jen, Auntie Janet, & Grampers. So, today when I pick him up from daycare we are going to Target to buy a new monster truck with his hard earned money. 

Silence

Sometimes you need it, sometimes you want it, other times you dread it. Today was not a day that I wanted silence. I might have needed it, and I may be grateful for it later, but right now I am not enjoying it. Davin is at school, Jason is in Houston (the last time he was in Houston I was pregnant with Dayton), my dad is not coming up until later this evening, and I have the day off with nothing to do and nothing to watch on TV. I have been reading blogs, websites, listening to music, and crying. I miss Dayton every day and think of him every day, but today is one of those rough days. One of those days where you don't need to be in silence. One of those days where everything I read, everything I hear, everything I see reminds me of Dayton and reminds me that he is not physically here with me.

Silence also has me irritable today, well I guess it's not really the silence that has me irritable but rather Facebook. Is everyone on my friends list pregnant? Or trying to get pregnant? Or just delivered a healthy baby that they get to take home? Probably not everyone on my friends list, but there is a good handful that fall into those 3 categories. It's not that I'm not happy for them because I am. I hope the people trying to become pregnant get their wish. I hope the people that are pregnant go full term and deliver a healthy baby. And I hope the people that just delivered their baby continue to have a healthy baby. I would never want or wish for anyone to have to go through what me and my family have with losing Dayton. But every time I see those ecstatic posts or pictures I can't help but wonder "why me."  Why me? Why my baby? There will never be an answer to why, and even if there was it wouldn't make this journey any easier.....

The things we remember....

Normally, my memory is horrible. I can't remember things my husband has told me, where I have put things, and sometimes what I wore the day before. But the days February 9-12 of 2012, I remember every minor detail as if it just happened.
Thursday February 9: I was wearing my turquoise Aeropostale sweat pants and a white t-shirt and had just gotten home from picking up Davin from daycare. I got out of my vehicle and went to throw away some trash, came back to get Davin out of the vehicle and tripped on our brick planters that line our carport. I fell, landing on my leg and wrist. I sat there for a minute, in shock and unsure of what to do. I didn't remember hitting my belly, but what if I did? I started to panic and cry, got Davin out of the car and then called Jason. He tried to calm me down the best he could but I was still scared so I called my Dr. Of course, with if being after 5pm I had to explain to his answering service what had happened and then they would call my Dr for me. About 10 minutes later my Dr called me and I explained again what had happened. He assured me that even if I had landed on my belly that babies have a lot more protection around them than we realize, and the only time he had even seen something happen to a baby after a small minor fall was in the movies. So, for the remainder of the evening I was to relax and as long as I felt the baby move and there was no cramping or bleeding then everything was fine. I felt a lot calmer now so I laid back in the recliner while Davin played and watched TV. After about 30 minutes of relaxing I finally felt Dayton move....a tiny hand or foot nudging up under my rib! I smiled and rubbed it as I normally did. Later, Jason came home and saw my swollen and bruised leg. We decided to do Little Caesar's pizza for supper. After eating I laid back down on the couch and propped my feet up in Jason's lap. Dayton always seemed to wake up to show me his kung-fu moves every time I laid down, but I didn't feel him. I rolled over to my left side trying to feel him that way....still nothing. I became concerned, but I also worry very easily! Jason told me he's probably just tired because of the fall and me stressing and worrying, which made complete sense so I didn't think much of it for the rest of the night.
Friday February 10: That morning I woke up and laid in bed for a few minutes waiting for the kicks....still nothing. Jason lightly shook my belly saying "wake up man" but still nothing. Looking back now, I wish I would have gone to the hospital immediately after falling Thursday evening. But, I had no cramping, no bleeding and I had felt Dayton move once or twice. I think in my gut I knew something wasn't right but I didn't want to be "that mom" that freaks out and runs to the Dr over a runny nose or something. So I just kept telling myself  "he's ok, he's tired, he's running out of room and can't move much, he's resting getting ready for delivery...etc" My daddy normally always comes up on Friday's and we have lunch and grocery shop. I was wearing my black Aeropostale sweat pants and a lime green long sleeve hooded shirt. We had lunch at Cici's and then went to see my oldest sister at a rummage sale she was helping with. I bought a vibrating bouncer and baby clothes. Then we did a little grocery shopping. After we had finished and my dad had left to go back home I got in the recliner to relax.....hands on belly, waiting for movement. I text Jason and told him I was really starting to worry. It was Friday and my Dr isn't in the office on Friday's so I called and talked to a nurse in labor and delivery. She told me to drink something that was really cold and has caffeine and then lay on my left side for an hour. I had pretty much cut out caffeine and was drinking mostly just water while pregnant, but luckily we had some Mt. Dew in the refrigerator so I drank a big glass of it and laid down. An hour later...nothing. I called back and told her and she told me to come on up to labor and delivery and they would run some tests. At this moment I really wasn't scared or panicking. It had never once crossed my mind that my baby wasn't alive anymore! Once you get past the 1st trimester, and miscarriage rates drastically decrease, you just assume you're in the clear and you WILL be bringing home a baby from the hospital. I checked into labor and delivery, filled out some paperwork, and they got me in a room. Did a quick urine sample, put on the backless garment and laid in the bed....calm & ready to see my baby and hear his heartbeat. The first nurse came in, talked to me asking why I was there and then proceeded to look for a heartbeat. After about 20 minutes of not finding it she said "he may just be positioned wrong, we'll give him a few minutes and try again." Positioned wrong? Over the past 7-8 months my Dr has always found the heartbeat withing 5-7 seconds! Then I started to panic, but tried to stay calm. A couple minutes later another nurse came in. She was a little rougher, pushing my belly every which way trying to find a heart beat. Still nothing. At that point they told me Dr. Wilson would be in to do an ultrasound in a few minutes, but I might want to get in touch with my husband and tell him to come up here to be with me. Jason arrived pretty quick, and about 5 minutes after he showed up Dr. Wilson came in to do the ultrasound. He did the ultrasound, I saw my baby laying there, no red and blue flashes indicating blood flow or a heartbeat. I was confused. I had had no bleeding, no cramping, I had felt him move!! Dr. Wilson sat down and I could tell he was fighting back tears. He didn't know what to say to us. He said there was no way that this was a result of the fall, and mostly likely after delivery he will find a knot in the cord or it will be around his neck. So, I got checked into labor and delivery and wheeled down the hall to my room. Jason ended up with phone duty and got to call and break the news to everyone. I was in shock for a while, unable to cry and truly process what was happening. I just kept thinking that the machines were broken and that my baby was fine....they would see soon that he's fine. It was a long night....4 doses of pitocin before labor really started to progress.
Saturday February 11: At 3:06 am Dayton Asher was born. 7lbs 4oz, and 20in long. That's when my world truly came crumbling down around me. That's when I first saw my baby and realized my Dr wasn't wrong, the machines weren't broken....my baby really wasn't breathing. I cried long and hard. He looked so perfect and just like his big brother. What was I going to tell Davin? And how was he going to take it? He had been so excited lately about all the things he was going to get to teach his baby brother. He had drawn pictures of our family and included Dayton. He was going to help mommy feed him and hold him, but not help with the diapers... Dr. Wilson didn't find a knot in the cord and it wasn't around his neck either. Once again, I could see him fighting back tears because he didn't know what to tell us. He found no reason as to why our baby was not alive and breathing. A little over an hour after delivery, after he had gotten cleaned up and they had done footprints, handprints, and photos I finally got to hold Dayton. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep had come to take photos of everyone holding him. Me and Jason, my mom, my dad, my oldest sister, Jason's mom, Jason's sister and Jason's oldest niece all got to hold him and have their photos taken holding him. I was unsure at first when they said someone would come take photos. Why would someone come take photos of my baby that isn't breathing? But now I am so glad I have these photos and don't know what I would do without them! I do wish Davin would have gotten to be there though and hold his baby brother. With it being 4 in the morning when we got to see Dayton though I knew it would have been a lot more stressful with a sleepy, cranky 5 year old that was unsure of what was happening. The rest of Saturday involved trying to plan a funeral. Where/when and what we wanted to have done......
Sunday February 12: It was a cold & windy day. Also, a very sad day and a day that no parent should ever have to experience. The day Jason and I had to bury our youngest boy, our baby. The day Davin got to see his baby brother for the first time, but had to tell him goodbye moments later. I will never forget walking up to Dayton in his casket and telling Davin that that was his baby brother. Davin's eyes lit up! He was so proud and did not leave Dayton's side the whole time we were there. Anytime someone came into the room he would grab them by the hand, point and say come look at Dayton so proudly! He IS a great big brother...not WAS! It was also the day grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends came to say hello and goodbye at the same time. Dayton looked so adorable! He was dressed in a blue onesie with a train on it, wrapped in a fleece blanket with trains, and had a blue cap that my mom had made for him. Luckily, I had told her a month back that he was probably going to have Jason's big head and she made a bigger one. The ceremony was beautiful. My mom wrote a poem and we all wrote special notes on blue balloons and released them together.
It's been a little over 3 months and not a day goes by that I don't think about Dayton. I constantly wonder what his cry would sound like, if he would snore and breath heavy like Davin when he sleeps, what his brown eyes would look like (the only way I know they are brown is because of the autopsy results), what his smile would look like and so on.... I still blame myself even though I know I shouldn't. The autopsy didn't give us a reason so I constantly wonder if he would be here with us if I hadn't have fallen? What if I would have gone to the hospital Thursday night...would they have noticed something wrong and been able to save him? That one time I felt his hand or foot nudging under my rib and I thought he was telling me he was ok, was he really telling me goodbye? I've made some progress picking up the pieces to my shattered life, but I've got a long road ahead of me. I know I will never "get over" this....losing a child isn't something you get over...EVER! I just have to continue on in this new life.....for me, my husband, our oldest son, and our families.